Thursday, November 26, 2015

A Day in the Life 2015

It's time for my yearly day in the life post! I started this in 2013 and enjoyed it so much that I decided it would be a tradition, although to be honest I nearly forgot this year. If you want to read past years, click here or here.

I chose Tuesday of this week to be my day to document, but halfway through I hit a roadblock and felt completely overwhelmed with life and everything that has been going on. So please remember that I am real and emotional and totally not perfect and my days are sometimes full of knitting.

The alarm rings at 6:30am but we ignore it for a bit. Dan finally gets up since he has to head to work and I roll over and go back to sleep. Yup, I'm a super supportive wife when I'm tired. I at least kiss him goodbye. I finally roll out of bed after 7:30.

I roll towards the window, since that is my side of the bed, and I am delighted to see that it has snowed overnight. I happily gaze through my plants to the yard and enjoy the slivers of sun peering through the trees. What a nice view, I sure am going to miss it.

I head out to the kitchen where I enjoy my breakfast of toast with peanut butter and homemade applesauce from my mom. So good. I then give Mia some morning snuggles, because we love each other.

After breakfast and snuggles, I hit the shower and get dressed. This always helps me have a more productive day. Or at least I like to think so.

I head out to my living room to try and tackle the mess but change my mind. It's too overwhelming at the moment so I skip it and head to the basement for some blogging.

Once I decide I've spent enough time on the computer, I head back upstairs to clean up the kitchen. I want to get some packing done in there today but need to clean off the counters first.

After cleaning the kitchen I stop for a snack before starting the packing. I have some leftover pancakes but forget to take a picture of them. So you get a photo of an empty plate instead.

Once I have some food in my belly, I move on to packing. There is so much stuff in my kitchen.

I make good progress but after four boxes, realize I am out of boxes. Well so much for getting most of the kitchen packed.

I check the time and get discouraged, I haven't filled enough of the day yet and I'm running out of things to do.

I decide to knit for a while and call my mom.

I talk for 45 minutes before deciding I need to get off and find some lunch. I choose spaghetti and wolf down most of the bowl before remembering I'm supposed to be photographing my day. Oops.

After my lunch I feel sadder and more overwhelmed. I vote for more knitting.

Still feeling sad. Dramatically lie on the bed.

It doesn't help and my dog is even getting bored with me.

I get over myself (sort of) and change the sheets and make my bed. It helps me feel a little better so I move on to organizing the piles all over the livingroom and packing one more box I unearthed in the organizing.

Since I'm still feeling discouraged, I vote for some more knitting before starting supper. It's also at this point that I forget about my photo log of the day and don't take any more pictures. Like I said, the day turned out a little rough emotionally.

I make stir fry for supper, Dan and I watch some Big Bang, and then I head out to Knit Night (a girls night of knitting and food and chatting, it's awesome). When I get back, we watch some more Big Bang and then head to bed by 10:30pm.

There you have it folks, a day in the life of me. Until next year!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

"Project Me"

On Monday in my working out post I shared that joining a gym was part of a whole project that I was working on and promised to share more about it with you later this week. Well guess what? It's later this week!

This project has been in the works for a little while now and over the last month and a bit I've been brainstorming ideas and starting lists. When I was pretty sure that our last cycle was a bust, I sat down and finalized my plans. Except for then me being pregnant happened and everything was put on pause for a bit, first because I was pregnant and second because I was having wallow week. But my brain was still working and I put some things into motion.

I decided to call this project "Project Me" because it pretty much only focuses on me. Which I'm aware is kind of selfish and self centered, but I don't care. After five years of infertility and loss and especially after this past year of treatments, it's time to focus on me. My goal through all of this is self care and helping me feel healthier and better about myself. Like I said, all about me.

There are so many things I haven't done lately because I was feeling sick from medication or because I might get pregnant or because my arms were too weak from blood draws or because I was too depressed and discouraged. I have decided that it is now time to take my life back! And it all starts with "Project Me".

"Project Me"
1) Work Out
As most of you know, every summer I take up running and actually sort of enjoy it for the few months I do it. But that is basically where all forms of exercise end for me, with my summer running. Winter is too cold and dreary out to encourage me to do much and I'm really not self motivated enough to work out at home with videos. I'm just too lazy. But I'm also aware that exercise is good for me in many ways and I want to benefit from it. I want to feel healthier and stronger and happier, but I also want to have a better love for my body. I don't necessarily hate my body but I do have a bone to pick with it. It has failed me in doing what it is supposed to do. Having a baby is what it was designed to do and it can't even do that. It has let me down and I sometimes often feel like I'm broken. I want to feel good about my body and see what it can do, instead of focusing on what it can't do. So that is why I have joined a gym, to work out and gain strength and feel pride when it comes to my body instead of anger and disappointment. To be happier and healthier and all together better.

2) Counselling 
My mind is also an important part of me and I want to work on taking care of it as well. As we end this journey of trying to get pregnant, I have so many thoughts whirling around in there and I want to work through them and grieve properly. I want to come to terms with stopping and I want to work on all the feelings that come with it. Not to mention the bitterness and anger that I deal with almost daily. I have tried counselling in the past and it has never really gone well, but I plan on giving it one more shot. This counsellor that I am lined up to see specializes in infertility and is connected to a fertility clinic. I'm hoping that if she has experience in the area, it might go better. We'll see, but I'm giving it one more try.

3) Nutrition
You are what you eat. Right? If that's true, I should be a big cookie by now. Which is why I want to focus more on eating better. I've super slacked over the last year because I had to make myself feel better with each failed cycle or pregnancy announcement. I am very aware that I feel better when I eat better, so it is something that I plan on working on. It is definitely an ongoing battle but I am making an effort and that is what counts. I haven't bought chips and cookies the last two times I went grocery shopping which I am totally considering a win. It also helps that I have a nutritionist sister who can give me tips and advice and cheer me on in my quest!

Those are the main points that I am working on but there are other little things that I am trying to add in to the project, like washing my face every night, showering and shaving more regularly, putting on real clothes (as I sit here in yoga pants), finding new ways to do my hair, buying cute boots, etc. Basically, I just add what I want to the list as time goes on. As long as they are doable things that make me feel better, they get added.

So there you have it, my newest project that is going well so far. It helps to have something to focus on, other than my infertility and I'm hoping it will help me feel better in the long run. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Letting Go

As some of you already know, the IUI cycle we did in October was our last one. And by last one, I really mean it. We're done with treatments, we're done with losses, we're done trying to get pregnant. This is the end.

It feels so strange to type those words. So final. And yet, I'm well aware that the reality of it has not sunk in. I don't think it has really hit me that after five and a half years, this all consuming quest to get pregnant and have a baby is done. It has been such a huge part of our lives and hearts, it's not something that we will be able to let go of quickly.

We are now embarking on the journey of letting go. Letting go of this dream to have a biological child.

It is really hard. All I can think about is everything we will miss out on. We will never see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test. We will never be able to announce to friends and family that I'm pregnant. We will never know what it feels like to be kicked by the baby growing inside me. I will never buy maternity clothes. I will never have a beautiful baby bump that everyone comments on. I will never know what labour feels like. We will never know what the combination of our genes will look like on a baby. We will never get to experience any of this and it hurts so much.

This is a huge loss. This is not something that we will just get over. This is a dream that we need to let go of and yet I am aware that we will never fully let go of it. We will be dealing with the pain that comes from this decision for the rest of our lives. That is a long time. These past five and a half years have affected us in ways we could never imagine and they will continue to do so for a long time. Infertility has changed us and we will never be the same.

We are making the decision to stop and even though it has been so hard to make, we are okay with it. This is not a decision we made lightly, but we are both ready. We are closing a door and taking some time to grieve before facing whatever adventure is next for us. We have been discussing the idea of adoption but have not made any decisions about it, we need more information first and we want to take our time.

That is where we are at and we wanted you to know. You have walked this journey with us so far and we want you to continue walking it with us, if you are willing. Thank you for your love and support, dear readers, you mean the world to me.

We are choosing to be open about this part of our journey because we need the support and love from our friends and family as we move forward. I also want to help raise awareness of infertility and pregnancy loss, helping make it less of a taboo subject. If you are struggling with infertility or have experienced multiple losses like myself, please know you are not alone. This is a hard road to walk down but there are others who can come along you and support you. 

Having said that, it is NEVER appropriate to ask anyone (not just myself) about the status of a woman's uterus. Do not tell us that we will now get pregnant because we have stopped trying. Do not tell us that moving forward with adoption (if we so choose to) will lead us to getting pregnant on our own. Do not tell me about your sister's kid's friend's cousin who stopped trying and then had a baby, IT DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. This is our story and you do not know what the future holds for us. If you tell us any of the above statements, be prepared to be corrected. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers but will not be answering questions we feel uncomfortable answering. We will share parts of our story as we feel led to. Thank you!

Monday, November 23, 2015

I Work Out!

Yup, you read that right. I totally work out now.

Or more like I joined a gym and am trying not to die from sore muscles. Seriously, I could barely move last week and my legs hurt so bad that Dan couldn't even touch them without me wincing. Ouch.

You may be wondering what the heck I'm thinking, joining a gym and all, but it has actually been on my mind for a long time now (like, over a year). So last Monday, I got my butt out the door and signed up.

You hear that? I am an amazing, strong woman. BOOYA!

I've now gone a total of 4 times already and am feeling motivated to keep it up. I'm sore and a little overwhelmed by it all, but I'm feeling good and proud of myself for making such an awesome decision towards my health. This step is part of a whole project I've been working on and will be sharing with you later this week.

Since it seemed like the thing to do, I took some before pictures of myself this past weekend. My goal in joining the gym is to feel better, both health-wise and self love wise. If that makes sense. I also would love to gain some muscle and consequently some weight. And I want to look awesome.

So there you have it, my crazy revelation of the day. Now excuse me as I go lie on the couch and die.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Five Things Friday

It's Friday!!!! And you all know what that means, don't you? Time for some random photos and thoughts from your favourite Canadian housewife.

1. Spying on the new house showed a super exciting SOLD sign out front! When my mom was visiting, we had to show her the new house and may have slowly driven by it three times. Yup, we're cool stalkerish like that. Seeing the sign was pretty fun though.

2. Colouring soothes my soul. And my new colouring book makes my life better. Every picture I colour in it is my new favourite, but I think I really do mean it for this one. So pretty.

3. I went to a Beth Moore conference a few weeks back and it was incredible. There were over 5,000 women at this event and it felt amazing to be a part of it.

4. Date nights in the garage can be fun too. Last weekend Dan had to sort through his copper stash (he trades it in for money) but I wanted to watch The Big Bang Theory, so we compromised. He brought the tv out to the garage and we watched Big Bang while sorting copper. Perfect way to spend a Friday evening together!

5. I got cute new boots and I am totally adorable in them! Plus, our storage unit is getting full. Gosh we have a lot of stuff. We move in a little over a week, it's creeping up on us! (Don't you agree about the boots though?)

Anyone else have any random thoughts to share? What have you all been up to lately?

Thursday, November 19, 2015


First of all, sorry for the long silence from me. Although I'm sure you all understand and aren't at all upset. I needed some time to get away and wallow and not have to think about anything, so the blog got a little neglected. I'm back though, if only sporadically.

Over the past five and a half years, we have been through a lot. We have had four losses, dealt with health issues, infertility and consequently fertility treatments, my Dad passed away, we've moved a few times, we got a dog, raised some chickens and traveled. There have been good times and there have been down right miserable times. There has been a lot of grief. Gosh there's been a lot of grief.

One thing I have learned though, is that we are incredibly blessed by an amazing support system. Through all the stuff we have gone through these past few years, we have felt such an outpouring of love from friends and family and even strangers. Love is bigger than grief.

These past few weeks have shown that to us yet again. As soon as people heard that we were going through another loss, the love started flowing in.

Thank you to everyone who sent us cards, texts, emails, flowers, prayers, care packages, colouring books, food and cookies. Or who lent us shows to distract us. We appreciated every little thing and soaked up the love that came with them. We can't even really begin to express how much it all meant to us. You guys held us up, yet again.

And an especially huge thank you to my mom, who dropped everything and made the 7 hour drive to be with us during this time. It was so nice to have someone who didn't care what the house looked like or that I never put on real pants or that we ate junk food 90% of the time. You are incredible Mom and your in person support meant so much to us. Wallow week wouldn't have been the same without you.

Love is bigger than grief. That is what I keep telling myself as we navigate through these waters of grief again.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Just a Few Days

That's all this baby had. I just got the call from the nurse, the beta on Friday was 10. Which means that this pregnancy is over.

We were happy and excited and loved this baby for a few days only. That is all we had.

I'm mad. I'm heartbroken. I'm devastated. I'm bitter. I'm just plain pissed that this happened to us again. This is our fourth loss. How completely unfair is this?

I wanted you all to know. And I also wanted to thank you so much for all the kind messages you sent our way and for celebrating this little life with us. Because it was worth celebrating.

Thank you for the prayers and good vibes, we felt every one. I may be a little absent from the blog for a bit. And from life.