Thursday, December 22, 2011

Alone and Pain

This week sucks. There is no way around that fact. I had a huge breakdown on Saturday and spent a couple hours crying in bed. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and discouraged with being sick. I have now been sick for 6 months. That is way too long. And I still have no idea what is wrong with me. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm really going to lose it soon. I don't know what to do or how to help myself or what might make it better. I'm contemplating just stopping everything come January. No more plans or events or anything. Just me at home taking it easy. I need to stress less and just calm down. I feel so alone. Alone in this because no one knows exactly how I am feeling. Alone in the fact that all my friends are now moms. Alone alone alone alone. I know I'm not the only one going through a hard time but right now I just feel lonely.

And pain. I also have this pain in my heart. This pain that keeps reminding me that I should have a baby for this Christmas. I know it doesn't help to focus on this but I can't help it. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my babies. My precious babies that I never go to hold.

I've cried pretty much every day since Saturday and today I found this picture that pretty much summed it all up for me.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

December Already?

Wow! I can't believe that it's already a week into December. Where does the time go? I feel like it was just yesterday that we were getting excited about our house and feeling like it would be forever before we moved. Now we've been there for almost 6 months. Crazy. I love our house and I love how with each passing day, it feels more and more like home. We are pretty settled now and most things are how we want them. We still have some projects to do, such as sanding and restaining our livingroom furniture. Maybe we'll get around to that after Christmas. I'm not starting anything new before then. I already have all my DIY Christmas projects to finish up. Only 19 more days! Eek! I've got to get on that.

In January I plan on posting pics on here of my DIY Christmas gifts that I did just to show everyone how crazy I really am. They didn't seem that hard when I started them but now that I'm in the process, they seem impossible and neverending. But at least the finished product will look nice.

This time last year I was anxiously awaiting the end of our 3 month waiting period before we could TTC again. I was feeling optimistic and hopeful that we would have a baby in our arms by this Christmas. But alas, we don't. And we probably won't next Christmas either. Boo. Unhappy thought that is.

Monday, December 5, 2011

New Blog Layout

So, I've done some changes to my blog. I tried to make it more mine and hopefully you'll have a better feel of who I am. I'm still new at this whole blogging thing and I'm still trying to figure it out. I may still make some more changes and do some more tweaking as I go along but I wanted to know what you guys think of my new "look". Please, tell me what you think.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Who are my readers?

Alright, I'm curious. Who still reads my blog? And for those of you who are following my blog that have some random screen name that I don't at all recognize, would you mind telling me who you are? You can just tell me if you know from the Bump or in real life or whatever. It doesn't have to be detailed. I just want to know who my followers are. Because I'm nosey and it bugs me not knowing. :P

Just leave a comment to this post. That way I will also discover who still reads my blog. Thanks!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Adoption

I have been thinking more and more about adoption lately. I tossed around the idea after our first loss, thinking I couldn't go through that pain again and maybe we should look into adoption. But we decided to try again. Another loss. Adoption came back near the front of my thoughts. Time passed and I said we would try one more time before seriously looking into adoption. Maybe it's because I'm feeling hopeless about actually carrying a baby to term but for whatever reason, I have started researching adoption. I figure it wouldn't hurt to know more about it and maybe after doing more research we'd realize it's not for us. So far, I have found a couple helpful sites. I now know the different types of adoption and their approximate costs. I definitely think it is something that Dan and I will need to discuss in detail and come to a decision on our own and I am perfectly aware that this could take quite a while. We have decided that we will try to have a baby on our own at least one more time. If it ends in another miscarriage, then we will reconvene and discuss adoption more seriously.

Any thoughts on adoption? Have you every considered it? Have any of you adopted? I would love to hear some feedback. I am feeling a little overwhelmed by it all right now and we haven't even made and decisions.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Weight Gain

I am trying to gain weight. I know that as most people read that sentence they are thinking these thoughts: "I could give you 10 pounds", "I'm jealous you're so skinny", "I wish I had to worry about gaining weight", etc etc. You get the picture. But before you have those thoughts, I need you to realize something. Being skinny isn't always that great. I have always been thin and I'm used to the many comments I get from people about how great it would be as thin as me. But, it's hard. It's hard because when I get sick, I lose weight fast. When I lose weight, I become very underweight, and I struggle to gain it back. Over the course of 2 months I lost 10 pounds and it has taken me 2 months to gain back 3. I am just starting to gain back some of my energy and look a little more human and a little less skeletal. So don't judge me for being skinny. Try and understand that it can be hard and unhealthy.

Now that I've got that out of the way, let's talk about my weight gain. So as I said, I have gained 3 pounds. I'm now up to a glorious 109 pounds. Wow! Pretty soon I'll be at the 110 mark and then I'm sure the weight will just keep coming. Hopefully. I'm trying really hard to eat more and I've even started tracking my calorie intake. In all honesty, I know I don't eat enough. It's hard though. I've always been big no small meals and lots of snacks but my stomach has also shrunk over the summer. So I may have to start small and work my way up to my goal. I've signed up for myfitnesspal.com and so far I'm enjoying it. It's usually for people trying to lose weight but I'm using it in the opposite way. It's working fine so far.

So there's my weight gain progress. I want to make it back to my pre-sickness weight of 116 but ideally I would love to hit the 120 pound mark. Wish me luck! And I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Loss

Loss is a terrible thing. I hate that anyone has to go through the pain of losing a baby, no matter how far along you are. Once you see those two pink lines, you love that baby and you dream for that baby. And when you lose it, you must grieve. Another friend of mine just experienced a loss at 11.5 weeks. It's just not fair. She deserved that baby, wanted that baby, loved that baby. Why does this need to happen? It saddens me. I think of all my friends who go through this and my heart breaks for them. I don't want them to be a part of this club of mine. I want everyone to be able to take home a healthy baby. To me, if you experience a loss, you should be able to then have a wonderfully easy healthy pregnancy with a take home baby at the end. I have friends who have had early losses, ectopic pregnancies, stillbirths, everything. And most of these were second or third losses. Why is it that this happens to such good women? I'm not saying I would want it to happen to anyone but I feel like some people deserve to have a baby more than others. These women would make such wonderful mothers and yet, their babies are taken from them. It angers me and saddens me and frustrates me. I want to go and make it all better for my friends. I want to go to their houses and hug them and take away their pain. But I can't.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Baby Fever

I think I have it. Baby fever that is. For the past few days all I can think about is how much I want a baby and how badly I want to be pregnant. I don't want to TTA any longer. Hmph. It doesn't help either that I'm surrounded by pregnant people and people with babies. Everywhere I go there are babies babies babies. I hate this. I hate that I'm like this and that I can't appreciate what I've got and enjoy where I am in life. Why do I keep wishing my life away? Why do I want the months to fly by so that we can try again? Why? And while we're on the topic of why, why did my babies die? Why did God take them away from me? Why couldn't I have been able to keep at least one of them? Why couldn't I have an easy pregnancy? Why couldn't I be holding a baby in my arms right now? The upcoming holidays are going to be hard. This would have been babies first Christmas. I could have had 9 month old twins or a 3 month old for Christmas. But I don't. I have empty arms and an empty uterus. No cute Baby's First Christmas things. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I want it. I want a baby of my own. I want to give Dan a child that he can be proud of. I want to hear people say how great Dan is with his baby and how proud he looks. Dan would make such a wonderful father, I know he would. And I feel like I've failed him a bit. I can't give him a baby even though all my friends are capable of giving their husbands a child. I get to hear how great all of them are such great fathers, so proud of their children. I want that. I want it all so badly.

My heart is just heavy today. Heavy, hurting and sad. I want all the what could have beens. I want all those dreams back. I want my life to be how I thought it would be right now. But instead I'm sitting here at work full of pain.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Decisions

I think that we have decided to TTA for a bit longer. Well, a lot longer if you ask me. I know that really, in the big scheme of things, a couple months isn't a big deal but to me, it feels like it. Dan and I have decided that once I start to feel better (hopefully soon), we will then just enjoy life and each other. No babies, no pregnancies, no losses. We will just be us. The coolest couple ever! And we will rock the world of babyless couples out there. We will focus on us, our relationship, our house, our puppy, our jobs, our dreams, our life. Just plain old us. And to be honest, I'm okay with that. I'm actually kind of looking forward to feeling better and not having to worry about getting pregnant and staying pregnant. We can go on dates and be spontaneous and go on trips and vacations and such. I also want to work hard on budgeting and paying down our mortgage. A lot of decisions going on. But you know what? I'm okay with it.


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Welcome November

November is upon us. The month of cold dark dreary days. The time change that screws up your mind and body. The month of calm before the craziness of December. It also marks 9 months since our last loss. Nine whole months. Sometimes I can't believe how fast time goes and then at other times, I feel like it drags by. I've been feeling really lonely lately. I feel like I'm the only one in this position. This point in life where I want kids so badly but due to physical and emotional reasons, we are waiting. Waiting to try again and possibly fail again. One positive thing about this waiting period is that I'm not pregnant and I don't have that chance of getting heartbroken from another loss again. At least it's sort of safe in that regard. But then it's not safe because everyone else is either pregnant or has a baby. We are the last of our friends around here. Literally, we are the only ones without kids. Who are we supposed to hang out with? I know that we can still hang out with our friends that have kids but it adds a whole new dynamic into it. We are the loners, the losers who can't have a baby. Maybe we need to make new friends. It's just so frustrating. It's been almost a year and a half since we started this road to a baby and yet we're still at the starting line. More like before the starting line, we've gone back instead of forward. We are the ones sitting at the beginning of the race watching everyone else get so far ahead, some finish, and some even come back to lap us. It's discouraging and depressing. Blah. Enough whining, I'll shut up now.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Good bye October

Another month has passed us by and we are that much closer to the new year. In two months it will be 2012. I'm actually kind of looking forward to a new year with new beginnings. I'm really hoping that I will be feeling better come January and we can get back to our normal life of doing normal things. Two months should  be enough  time for me to feel better right? I'm really really hoping so.

2011 was supposed to be a happy year of babies. Twice over it should have been But alas, it wasn't. No babies for us. Oh well. Maybe 2012 will be luckier. I doubt it but hey, I can wish right?

Friday, October 28, 2011

Life is Not Fair

And I need to learn to accept that. No matter how many times I tell myself this and I know it's true, I still kind of hold out hope that it will be one day. That maybe I was wrong in my assumption and that life is fair after all. But it's not. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and sometimes bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. That's just the way it is. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm not pregnant when it feels like everyone else in the world is. I swear some sort of baby epidemic is going around. But I'm not pregnant. And I won't be for a while yet. And even if I do get pregnant, I might not stay pregnant. That's just the way these things work.

I'm sitting at work stuffing my face with chocolate coins. I'm feeling sorry for myself and wishing that I too could go home early like my coworker. But no, I get to sit here for another hour and a half doing absolutely nothing. It's a Friday afternoon and it's slow. So, to make up for my sad lonely deserted feelings, I'm eating chocolate. I'll probably feel sick later because of it but for now, yummy!


Why is it that it always seems other people have it easier than us? The grass is always greener on the other side. It always seems like other people have better jobs, more money, bigger houses, nicer stuff, nicer car, pregnant bellies, kids, a better relationship, prettier hair, nicer clothes. The list can go on and on and I can just keep adding to it. Why aren't I prettier? Why does my hair never cooperate? Why can't I have a designers eye? Why can't my house stay cleaner? Why me? No matter how good you have it, you always want more. I have a great life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, a beautiful house which is ours, a cute puppy who adores me, a good paying job, a car, friends, family.... but yet I want more. I want kids. I want to be pregnant. I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I want the greener grass.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Independence

What makes you independent? That is my question of the day. I don't feel very independent. I feel like I always have someone around and I always have someone to lean on. I don't ever do anything by myself, I never go on adventures by myself or do anything brave. I've never lived alone or been alone. Sometimes all of these things make me feel weak and pathetic. Poor pathetic Jenn who can't even do something by herself. I don't feel independent. At all. But, as my husband lovingly pointed out, it doesn't make me weak and pathetic. It means that I need someone, that I need him. And there is nothing wrong with doing things with someone else. We are married and we go through life together. Yes, things will come up where we will have to learn to be independent and do something by ourselves but for the most part, we are together. And that is okay. And really, I think doing things by yourself is overrated. I'm sure it gets lonely sometimes. And I hate being lonely.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Little Things Make Me Happy

It's the little things in life that make it better. I know that sometimes those little things seem a bit ridiculous and I probably shouldn't get as much pleasure out of them that I do, but hey, who cares right? As long as they make me happy. I am now going to put together a small list of the the little things.

- The fact that my washing machine and dryer sing a little tune once the cycle is done
- The two garbage bags full of giveaway and garbage that I have pulled out of my closet
- The lady at church who told me she is praying for me at least once a week and knows my desire to have children
- Winning a prize from a radio contest
- My cozy slippers that keep my feet warm
- The fact that Mia sleeps all night long
- The sunshine
- My  new house plants, especially my colourful new cactus plants

I think that's it for my little things list. There are plenty of other little things that I love but for now I will just end it there.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Down in the dumps

I'm feeling down today. I saw yet another pregnancy announcement on Facebook this morning and it felt like yet another punch in the gut. I seriously feel like everyone else is pregnant but me. I'm the only one left who seems incapable of reproducing. I feel like it comes so easily to everyone else. They try to get pregnant, they get pregnant, they post an ultrasound picture on facebook, and then voila, 9 months later out pops a healthy baby! I know this isn't true and for all I know they could have experienced a miscarriage before this and also that things still go wrong past the 1st trimester. But, I just feel like everyone else can do it better. And that I'm left behind in the dust, watching everyone with their cute little babies go on into the next step of life while I wait back here. I know I know, I'm being dramatic. I'm young and I still have plenty of time to try for more babies. And chances are, we'll succeed. But today I feel like crap and I will complain and vent and be selfish and pitiful all I want. I started this blog as a place for me to come and write out my feelings. So I'm not going to apologize for what I'm writing. And please don't judge me. I know I'm not the only one going through something hard and that there are far worse things in life than seeing other people have babies. But today, for me, it feels slightly like the end of the world.

I kind of want to put "Anyone out there not pregnant?" as my Facebook status and see who else is part of my club. But then I'd have to be more specific and say "Anyone out there married but not pregnant and not have any kids?" and if I did that I would just sound mean and I would get a lot of comments back I'm sure. But I really need to feel some support. Basically every couple at our church has kids or are pregnant. There are 3 couples left. One of them just got married like a month ago so they don't really count. And the other couple have been married for 3 years but got married really young and seem kind of immature. Like they really aren't even wanting to be at the children stage yet. So really, we are loners. The loners who own a house which means we should be filling it with children. I mean come on, that's the reason why we bought a house right? Why else would you need all that space? Look at that extra room that could be so easily transformed into a nursery? Hint hint. If only those people knew what I was really thinking about them when they make those comments. But they don't and I will never say them. And life will go on.


Boo for today's dreary weather and down-in-the-dumps kind of feeling. At least I got paid today.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Mixed Feelings

Yesterday my good friend had her baby. A baby boy. While I am so happy for them I also have some feelings of sadness and jealousy mixed in there. This was my friend who was two weeks behind me. The friend who thought it would be so much fun to "be pregnant together". The friend who probably would have stayed a close friend if I had remained pregnant. But no, life doesn't go like that. I had a miscarriage and I lost Dustin while she continued on in her pregnancy. I wouldn't really want it any other way. I wouldn't have wanted her to have a miscarriage or have complications or anything like that. But, I do find it hard that I had to have another miscarriage and go through all that pain all over again while everything was fine for her. Why is life like that? Why can it come so easily to some and not to others? Why? I should be home with a baby right now. I should be presenting Dan a beautiful daughter or son. We should be showing people pictures of our beautiful child and have people tell us how proud Dan looks or how happy I am. We should be going through all of these happy things too. But we aren't. We aren't because we were the 1 in 4 who experience pregnancy loss. We got to be that one twice though. It's just so frustrating. And it makes me angry. I'm angry today. Angry that my babies died, angry that everyone else is having babies and I'm not, angry that I'm still sick, angry that this isn't coming easy to me, and then angry that I'm angry. I should be happy for everything else that I have, for all the good things. I shouldn't be so selfish. Life is hard and things don't always come easily. And some people have it way worse then me. We haven't been trying that long in the grand scheme of things. I was able to get pregnant easily both times. All my tests have come back normal so far. Really, it was probably just bad luck and my next pregnancy could go fine. But my biggest fear is that it won't. That this will happen again. And that I won't be able to handle it.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 5

Day 5-Your siblings

I have a lot of them. Four to be exact. Three sisters and one brother. I love them all so much and probably won't do them justice in my blog post. I can't really go on and on all day about each one, right? Well, I'll do my best to sum them each up in a shortish paragraph.

Stacey - She is the eldest, the top dog, the firstborn. She paved the way for us younger ones and made our road a little easier. We have very different views of our childhood as she came along 10 years before me. As I get older, I realize that we are the most similar out of all of my siblings. Although she is a tad bit more organized and ambitious than me. She is constantly on the go, running around all the time. She is a chef and married to Eric, also a chef. They make great food. :) They have four children aged 12, 7, 5, and 3. And I need to add that these are by far the cutest children you will ever meet. Just sayin'. Stacey is actually back in school full time taking Business - Accounting. I think. I can't actually remember what the official name of the program is. But she is smart. I just wish we lived closer together.

Jackie - She is the crazy sister who will always put a smile on your face. She always knows the right thing to make you laugh. She also does super adventurous things like travel around Europe, teach elementary school kids, move to Korea for two years to teach English, go bungee jumping, plays guitar, etc. She's wicked cool. She is married to Kevin, another cool person. He plays in a band and writes poetry. They live in Seattle and we are hoping that sometime next year we will make it out to visit them in their super cool city.

Mike - The middle child and only boy. The favourite brother of all. He is kind of a hippy. He travels around, works odd jobs, goes tree planting, has long crazy hair and a scruffy beard, and wears sandals no matter what time of the year it is. He is super cool though. Everyone who meets him thinks so. He married an equally cool person 2 years ago, Tara. They are such the perfect fit. They complement each other perfectly.

Cora - She was/is my best friend. We're only 2 years apart to we are close. We grew up playing Barbies together. We shared a room and were always together. We were the "little sisters". She is a dietician and I am constantly calling her for food advice. Another fabulous thing about her is her ability to dance. Boy can she dance. I'm slightly jealous but I'll get over it as I will never be as good as her at dancing. Swing dancing is her specialty but I do believe she is getting into some other dancing as well. I love watching her dance. She also is really good at visiting me, her faraway little sister. Even though she hates the 7 hour drive she still comes out quite regularly to see us. I think she is the only one of my family who saw all three places that we have lived in.

Well, that about sums them up. I consider myself very lucky to have such wonderful older siblings and to have grown up in such a great environment. Each one has affected me and helped shape me into who I am today. I love it when we all get together in all of our craziness and wish it could happen more often. I love you all.


I chose this picture because it makes me smile. It just shows us, in all of our glory. :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Today

Today, I feel almost a tiny bit close to maybe normal. That's a stretch. But, I am feeling a little bit okay today. I have eaten more today than I have in a while. And I even ate supper! Wow. Like a meal. I ate rice with chicken, carrots, and green beans. Yum! And it was yummy!!! I probably could have eaten a bunch more but I thought I would start with a small amount and see how that settled. My tummy feels a little funny but not too bad. Yet. So, hopefully all will be okay and I'll still feel sort of good tomorrow too. We shall see.

I'm also feeling a little bit better emotionally. Just a little bit. I'm still depressed about being sick but I'm trying to think positive. My mom told me that it isn't healthy to dwell on the crappy things and try and think of good things. So I'm trying. Here is my list of good things from today.
  • I didn't feel too too sick
  • I went for a short walk
  • Dan brought me beautiful flowers at work
  • I ate a tasty supper
  • There is a beautiful fall rain outside and it sounds delightful
  • My diamond ring is sparkly
  • I did my homework and it didn't take me that long
  • It's Wednesday which means the week is more than half over
There, I think that's a decent sized list. I'm in a happy mood and I will now go off and work on my Christmas presents. Have a good evening to anyone who may be reading!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Sickness

I don't think that I will ever take good health for granted again. When you feel good, you just feel normal and go on with your day and never have a second thought about how good you really feel. It isn't until you are sick that you realize how fortunate you were to have felt good for so long. I feel like crap. There is no other way of describing it. I feel like every part of me is falling apart. My head hurts every day, my eyes hurt, my throat hurts, my tummy hurts, my arms and legs hurt, my ribcage hurts... everything hurts. I have this heavy feeling about me that makes me feel like my head is too big for my body. I have hot flashes and then chills, I'm lightheaded. And yet, the doctors can't find anything wrong with me. My bloodwork comes back normal, my blood pressure is normal, I have no fever, everything looks good. But really, I'm not dumb. Something is wrong with me. I'm not making up this dreadful sickness that has overcome me. I have no energy to do anything and all I ever want to do is sleep. I am sick.

I'm also discouraged. Being sick for so long and not knowing why and with no end in sight, is discouraging. I've quit thinking that maybe one day I'll feel better. I feel like I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I just wish that someone could do something to make me feel better. I want to be able to eat a normal meal and go on a date with my husband. I want to be able to make plans and then carry through with them. I want to feel like me again. But instead I just get thinner and thinner and sicker and sicker and sadder and sadder.

I don't know if I should take a leave of absence from work or if I should stick it out. I don't know if I should cancel all my plans or continue to make them and hope I feel okay. I don't know if I should be begging my doctor to do more tests or if I should just wait patiently to see the specialist. I just don't know anymore. I feel so small and so weak. Like I'm fading away into nothing, slowly and painfully.

Monday, September 26, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 4

Well, like I've said before, I suck at this blog challenge. Good thing I'm not even trying to do this on a daily basis. I would have failed a million times by  now. Oh well. It keeps you on your toes right?

Day 4-Your parents


Here are my beautiful parents. Fran and Sue. I love them to pieces and couldn't have asked for anyone better to raise me. They are unique. There is a 23 year age gap between the two of them which has always been surprise to everyone I meet. Whenever I tell someone how old my dad is they say, "he is how old???". I don't mind. He retired before I was born so he was always around when I was growing up. Dad was always in the picture and would come home for lunch everyday. No absent father here. He worked hard on our little hobby farm. He was always out cutting wood, fixing fences, helping neighbours, haying, etc. A work-a-holic you would call him. My friends were always amazed and how strong and fit he was for such an "old man". I have always been proud of my dad. In 2006, at the age of 77, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Syndrome. Since then his health has steadily declined. He seems old now. He has trouble walking, he shakes, he loses his balance constantly, he needs help with basically everything, and he's starting to forget. But he will always be my hero. In my mind, he will always be strong, always be funny, and always be my daddy.

My mom. My mom is also my hero. I love how over the years my relationship has changed with her. When I was little, she was just the amazing mom who knew everything. She could do no wrong in my mind. When I was a teenager, she was still sort of cool but mostly just annoying. I realized then that she was actually human and made mistakes and wasn't always perfect. And then, once I got a little older, especially after moving out and getting married, I realized how strong of a woman she really is. She raised five amazing children. She lived on a farm and lived from the land. We always had a huge garden, chickens, cows, full freezers, jars of homemade preserves and pickles, tons of company, and a house full of laughter. The doors were always open at our house and we were always entertaining. Mom knows how to run an efficient household. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

My parents are great. They make mistakes and they fail sometimes but so does everyone. They have raised me well and I feel proud to call them my parents. I love them so much and feel so blessed to be able to call them mom and dad.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hurt Feelings

I'm feeling slightly hurt today. Someone did something that just rubbed me the wrong way. I like to think it wasn't intentional but really, I don't know. I also may be overreacting and it's nothing but today I feel hurt by it. I wasn't invited to something that I should have been invited to. This may be confusing because I'm trying to avoid names but I just need to get it out. If you don't understand, it's not the end of the world.

Something happened this weekend that I should have been invited to. Yes, there may have been a bit of confusion on whether I was around or not but a phone call or a Facebook message could have clarified that. I don't think that would have been too much to ask. But instead, I sat at home all alone all weekend with no invite. And got to look at pictures of said event on Facebook later. Oh well. I'm not too heartbroken that I missed it, I'm more just mad that I wasn't even invited. Dang it! I deserved an invite! Argh.

I know that everything goes two ways and I shouldn't be mad and it probably wasn't planned but... I just want to be mean back. I know you aren't supposed to return "insult for insult" but sometimes, I just want to lash out and tell these people what I'm really thinking. This past year has been hard and this past year has sucked and I just want to be bitter and mean. But I can't. I know that. I have to deal with this and forgive. But forgiveness is hard to give when I don't want to give it. I think that I really need to work on this. There are a couple people that come to mind that I don't want to forgive. I want to harbour my angry feelings towards them. In some weird way it makes me feel better. Okay, end of vent.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Mish Mash

Sorry to all my faithful followers who have been lacking in updates. I kind of suck at this whole blogging thing, if you hadn't noticed. Oh well. It's more for me than you, so I hope you aren't too disappointed. :P

I'm still sick and feeling more and more discouraged with each passing day. I feel like it's never going to end and I'll just be sick forever. I'm still losing weight and still feeling like crap 98% of the time. It just overall sucks. So that has been getting me down. And I just feel like whenever I write, it's always about the same thing. I'm sick, my life is still good, and I'm not pregnant. That's about it. I never really have anything good to write about. Whenever I start to feel better and think that maybe life can go back to normal, I have another set back. There is no point in feeling motivated and wanting to do anything productive. I have no energy and can't really get anything done around the house. Consequently, my house is a disaster. I finally broke down and vacuumed tonight, it had been over 3 weeks. The floor still needs to be mopped but vacuuming took up all my energy for the night. Now I just feel like curling up in front of a movie. But, I have a to do list for this weekend and I at least want to make a good dent in it. Dan bought me some big rubbermaid containers so that I could get started on sorting out the storage room. I kept saying that I would do it once we had some containers but now that we have containers... I don't really feel like doing it. Maybe tomorrow...

Something crazy that I have volunteered to do this year is host Thanksgiving dinner for Dan's side of the family. There will be 10 of us for dinner. While that's not a huge number, it's definitely bigger than my normal two. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start by planning a menu and figuring out a schedule. We also need to pick up some more folding chairs and get a bigger table. And some more dishes... Maybe I shouldn't have volunteered for this. But it will be fun. And I think it's important for family to get together and celebrate holidays together. I'm all about family and traditions. I think that I might also start planning some decorations and how I will make my house look pretty. Some of the people coming have never seen our house and some haven't seen it since moving day. I want it to look nice for them. I won't go all out our anything. Maybe just some decorations for the table and a pot of mums for the counter. I plan on going cheap. I'm really into DIY things and cheap projects lately. It's great fun. I'm making all my own Christmas gifts this year and I'm having lots of fun coming up with ideas and shopping and working on them. I'm already half way done my moms gift and just about done my two nieces gifts. It's quite exciting. I know it's only September but I wanted to get started on them early so that I'm not rushed near the end. And it keeps me busy while I'm feeling dreadful all the time.


Now that I've written a nice little bit, I'm going to go and do something more productive with my time. Like eat supper, do the dishes, and get started on that storage room! (Or I may just end up watching a movie)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

September has Arrived

It's here. September. This was supposed to be a happy month. A month of new beginnings, of new life, of change. This was the month that Dustin was supposed to arrive. We should be welcoming a baby into our world in just a few short weeks. But we're not. Because that is how life is. These are the cards we were dealt and this is how the game is being played. And that is okay. I'm trying not to dwell on the what should have beens and think more of what is going on now. But it's hard. I want my babies back.

But, I am determined to make the best of it. I have been feeling half decent this week. Last week was bad health wise and I stayed home from work for a couple of days. But this week is good. I have cut out gluten and even though that may not be why I'm feeling better, I'm going to stick with it for a little bit. I will be starting my two online courses next week and that will be something to keep me busy and occupied. I'm also thinking about starting up some form of exercise. I know that I usually lose motivation really quickly and I don't last very long at whatever new thing I have decided to do, but hey, why not start something. I don't know what yet though. I'll have to think about it. I keep coming back to kickboxing but I think I need to build up my fitness level first. I just keep joking about how if a certain someone gets pregnant with their second baby before I am with my first, I'm going to need some serious therapy and anger management. I may as well get a head start seeing as the chances of that happening keep going up with each passing day.

Something else that I have decided to do is take a step back from The Bump. Even though I love the online forums and I have made some good friendships, I need to step back and focus on myself, Dan, and our life. It gets me down going on there and seeing all the people getting pregnant and moving on or at least be able to try and get pregnant. I just get jealous that we're not really close to that point. I just need to step away from all the pregnant people. There are so many people now who are either pregnant of have babies or are trying to have babies. And then there are us. The loners with no kids. Boo.

But no, I am trying to be positive and focus on the bright side of things. We have a busy month coming up. We have something going on every weekend. I don't know how we keep doing this to ourselves. We just get so booked up so far in advance and then we run around like crazy. We need to cut back. But I don't know how. It just happens.

Onto another happy note. I am going dress shopping. I'm not too sure when exactly but I am going to go out and find myself a stunningly beautiful new dress that I will look fabulous in. Because I am embracing the fact that I am young and beautiful and thin. If I can't be pregnant, I will look dang good in a new dress!

Alright, enough of the ranting and randomness. I need to blog more often so that these posts are more spread out and less overwhelming. I just don't always have time. Oh well. No one really reads this thing anyways. It's more for my peace of mind and venting. And in case you actually are reading my blog, here is a yummy cupcake for your viewing pleasure!

Friday, August 19, 2011

August 19th - Day of Hope

Today is a day to talk about miscarriages, stillbirth, and infant/child loss. Please see the paragraph below that I copied and pasted from their Facebook page.

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

This is so important. So many women suffer in silence because it is just something not talked about. It makes people uncomfortable, it is too sad, it hurts too much, etc. There are many reasons why people don't talk about loss. But today is the day to speak out.

I am speaking out. I put up a picture as my profile picture on Facebook and wrote in my status that today I remember my babies that were lost. My name is Jenn, and I have had two miscarriages. I have lost three babies in the short span of 6 months. Today, I recognize that them. I miss them. I want to have my Casey, Jaimie, and Dustin back with me.

Have you experienced pregnancy, infancy, and child loss? Will you speak out?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Feeling Optimistic Today

Today I am actually feeling relatively normal. Wait, let me reword that. This afternoon I am actually feeling relatively normal. Some of you already know but others may not, but I've been sick for over 3 weeks now. It's just an upset stomach, feeling nauseous, overall crappy kind of feeling. Oh, and add in some pain in my lower ribcage and you've got one happy camper. I was pretty sure I was dying. Not quite, but I complained a lot. After a week of feeling like this, I went to the doctor. Not my doctor because she was on vacation but the extended hours doctor. He thought it might be GERD. So he told me to take Zantac and see if it helped. Well, it helped with the ribcage pain but I still feel nauseous and crappy. So yesterday I went to see my doctor and she thinks it's some virus that I caught. She gave me a stronger antacid and sent me for bloodwork. I have a follow up in 2 weeks. Hopefully we can get this under control and I can go back to being healthy little me. Wow, that was quite the intro. All this to say that this afternoon I feel normal(ish). Maybe its the meds or maybe I'm on the mend. We'll see.

I'm also feeling optimistic about life in general. Yes, Dan and I would like kids. And yes, some days that feeling is overwhelming, but today it's not. Today I am content with our situation in life. We have a beautiful house and a beautiful dog, we both have good jobs, and we are saving up some money. We have each other and right now, that's all I really need. Having a baby would be great but it would also throw a lot of change into our little lifestyle we have built. And I will take the change anyday. But for now I am enjoying this stage. This stage that we have as a couple, being able to have date nights and hang out together just the two of us. We can work on budgeting and getting used to owning a house and the expenses that come with it. We can do some projects that we have lined up. We can go on fun vacations together. We are just a couple and that is good. Couples are good. We are our own little family. You don't need kids to make a family. There is Dan, me, and Mia. We are our own little family. And we can be a blessing to others. We can use our gift of hospitality and open up our house and invite others in. August has been a crazy month for company and it will continue to be so until the end. Basically every weekend has been and will be filled up with people coming and staying at our house. While it's exhausting and it's nice to have our house to ourselves again, it's rewarding having people there. I thrive off of people.

Maybe it's the fact that summer is coming to a close and the school year is starting up and this is the time of year that I always feel motivated. I feel like it's a new start as we get back into the grind of things. New things are happening. I am taking two online courses towards my accounting certificate. Once these two are done I will only have three more to go! Hopefully by the end of next summer I will be done. I'm excited for these. I know that once the first few weeks are over I will begin to dread these courses because that's the way it always is. But a benefit of completing this certificate is that in the future, when we have kids and I will be a stay-at-home mom, I can use these skills to bring in some extra income. I could do payroll for some smaller companies. Just a few hours a week can bring in a bit of extra cash. That is something happy to think about. Because since today I am being optimistic, I say when we have kids, not if. We will have kids.

This weekend I plan on buying five dozen corn and freezing them. I need to build up my freezer supply again. I almost cried this spring when we ate our last bag of corn. I love corn. I could live off of corn. So, even though it is a lot of work, I plan on freezing five dozen again. To me, it is worth it. I'm also going to try and freeze some other vegetables. I have zucchini already in the freezer and some beans. I need to do more of both. I want to get broccoli and beets frozen as well. The fruits won't be as much this year. We didn't go strawberry or raspberry picking so we will have to make do with the leftovers from last year. I did freeze some peaches though. Maybe I should get more...

Alright. This post has become ridiculously long. I just feel happy and content and wanted to get it all out. Hopefully you didn't get too bored while reading...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 3

I've had a couple of people mention that I haven't been really keeping up with my 30 day blog challenge so I apologize to them and here goes. I've just been busy. Sorry.

Day 3-Your first love
My first love was and is Dan. I dated one other person before Dan but I know that I didn't actually love him. We were in high school and it was just the cool thing to do. I liked him a lot but it just wasn't love. So when I met Dan, I fell head over heels in love with him. He was kind, funny, good looking, respectful, honest, hardworking, loving, trustworthy, caring, and so many more wonderful attributes. He was just plain amazing. But, I admit, I wasn't fast to give my love away. I didn't want to be that person who told someone they loved them but didn't really mean it. I wanted to be sure before I said those three little words. Dan told me he loved me within a week of dating. I may have freaked just a little bit. I told him that I would prefer he didn't tell me he loved me yet because I didn't believe that he could have known so quickly. And it made me uncomfortable because I never knew what to say in return. I wasn't ready to say "I love you".


I think it may have been 8 months into our relationship before I actually told Dan I loved him. I'm pretty sure that I loved him before I actually said it but I was young and scared and didn't admit it to myself. One night in October Dan was dropping me off at my apartment for the night and as he was leaving said, "I love you Jennie". And I said "I love you too". It was a pretty great feeling. Later Dan told me that he had never been that happy. He pretty much floated out of there and was in pure bliss. After that we got pretty good at telling each other "I love you". 

And for your viewing pleasure, here is one of my favourite pictures of Dan. The one and only man I love. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

One year ago today...

I was blissfully unaware that my world was about to turn upside down. I had my 9 week ultrasound to check on the development of Casey and Jaimie and see what was going on. I was so naive and innocent that it never even crossed my mind that something was wrong. I should have known. I should have known as soon as the image came up on the screen. But I didn't. I didn't worry that I couldn't actually make out the blobs and I didn't worry when the tech didn't say one word to me. I also didn't worry when she just said she was done and sent me on my way without showing me any heartbeats. I just didn't worry. I thought for sure everything would be fine. At the very least, Jaimie may have passed but definitely not Casey. Casey had a healthy heartbeat at 7 weeks, why would it stop beating? Oh to go back to those days of thinking that getting pregnant was easy and staying pregnant was easier. Never did it cross my mind that I would have a miscarriage, let alone multiple miscarriages. I figured if any problems came our way, it would be in the getting pregnant stage. I worried that it would take a while. I always said, "what if we can't get pregnant?". I never thought, "what if I can't stay pregnant?".

At least the weather matches my mood. It's dark and gloomy outside and that is how I'm feeling. I don't know how to cheer up. I'm just so depressed and sad that I lost my babies and that it's already been a year and I'm still not pregnant. I feel like everyone else around here is. Out of all the couples who go to our church there are only 2 others who aren't pregnant. But they are both younger than me and not planning on having kids for a while. Everyone else is pregnant or has kids. We are just the loners left behind in this stage of life. The childless stage. I know I shouldn't be so dramatic and in the grand scheme of things a year isn't that long but right now I just feel sad.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 2

Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name

Hmm... this one is going to be pretty straight forward I think. Our Road to a Baby is to document our road to a baby. All the bumps and potholes and hills and everything. I want to be able to look back on this in the future when I'm holding our little rainbow baby in my arms and see the road that it took to get us to that point. I don't want to forget these feelings that I feel now. So, that is why I named it what I named it. No secret meaning or anything.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 1

I have decided to do this really cool 30 Day Blog Challenge I found on someone's blog. Although it won't be 30 consecutive days. I really don't have enough time to dedicate to doing that. So it will be more like when I think of it. But I thought it could be enjoyable for my followers to read some fun stuff amongst my depressing posts. So here goes.

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts 

My names is Jennie but on this blog I go by Jenn. My husband and I just bought a house this summer and we are loving it here. We recently just got a black lab named Mia.That's all I can think of because like I said in a previous post, my brain is fried due to the heat. 

 This picture is actually from February but I couldn't find a newer one. So it's recent enough. 


Now for 15 interesting facts...
1 - I am the youngest of 5 kids.
2 - My lips are naturally red and I never wear lipstick.
3 - I am 22 and my Dad is 82. He is by far the coolest father ever.
4 - I can hoola hoop very well.
5 - My party trick is walking through a broomstick. I won't even try to explain it. 
6 - We went bowling at our wedding reception.
7 - I hate coconut with a passion.
8 - The couch that I'm sitting on in my picture was my heirloom couch from my parents. Dan made me sell it. :(
9 - I've only ever kissed one guy. My husband.
10 - I am terrified of heights.
11 - I have two middle names.
12 - When I was 5 I wanted to be a pirate.
13 - I got married at 19. 
14 - I was home schooled until grade 9.
15 - I love to cook for my husband.

Jealousy

Jealousy is a horrible thing. It really eats away at you. I hate being jealous of every pregnant person out there. I am happy for them and I don't know their story so I can't judge, but I'm jealous. I'm jealous that they are pregnant and I am not. I should be 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I hate that I'm not. I hate that my body can't seem to carry a baby past 8 weeks. Why can't it? I'm jealous of cute little baby bumps. I want one. I want to have my baby growing inside of me and I want to be feeling him/her kick. We should be preparing a nursery and getting ready to welcome a new baby into the world. But we're not. And I'm jealous of everyone else who is.

Why is miscarriage such a taboo subject? You barely ever hear of other people going through a miscarriage or having had one. Until you share that you have. And then women feel like they can open up. But for the most part, we suffer in silence. Miscarriages are very common. You are in a minority if you haven't had one. A lucky minority that is.

I feel like my mind is all over the place tonight. The next thing I would like to say is, I LOVE CHARTING MY CYCLE! It's weird but it makes me feel like I'm in more control and understand what's going on inside of me. I like knowing when my period is arriving and when I'm ovulating. It just makes me feel smart. I love to stare at my chart and see how my temps rise. I know it's dumb and really it can't really tell me much. Well the chart as a whole does but I'm addicted to staring at it on a daily basis. I'm so glad that I got into charting.

Alright. My mind is fried. I'm blaming it on this heat. I feel like my entire body is melting. Yuck!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

An Ode to Oreos

I love Oreos. So much. They are one of the most amazing cookies. You can eat them so many different ways. You can just shove the whole chocolatey creamy cookie in your mouth and enjoy the mixed flavours and textures. Or you can split it in two, lick out the creamy interior and then eat the chocolate cookies separately. Or you can dunk the whole thing in milk or divide, lick and then dunk. Or you can crumble them up on top of ice cream. Or you can buy Oreo ice cream sandwiches. Or make an Oreo cheesecake. Not to mention all the different forms Oreos come in! Oreo cookies, Oreo Cakesters, Oreo Stix, Mint Oreos, Double Stuffed Oreos, Double Chocolate Oreos... So many wonderful ways to eat Oreos! I am feeling the need to purchase some. I have no good chocolate anything at home. I finished my Easter mini eggs and my brownie ice cream. Now all I have is... nothing. That tells me it's just about time to purchase some Oreos!

Here are some pictures of Oreos for your viewing pleasure.

This is me, by the way.



Oreos and Milk



Looks so good!



My new magnets I need to purchase



A nice treat for a cold summer day



Drool!



P.S. Sorry if this post made you go out and buy some Oreos!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Thoughts

Here are my thoughts right now:
  • I love my house
  • I love my newly planted flowers
  • I wish I was 29 weeks pregnant right now
  • Mia is a great distraction
  • Chocolate sounds heavenly
  • I have the best husband around
  • Wouldn't it be nice to quit my job and stay at home all day?
  • I can't wait until my sister and her family come in August!
  • I hope my first loaf of bread in my new bread machine turns out
  • I'm sleepy
  • Life is good
 I've been doing really good these past couple of weeks. Yes, I have my odd moments of sadness but I haven't had any significant meltdowns. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I cried. This is like a new record for me. It's been forever since I have felt this normal. I'm hoping it will continue on although I know that is wishful thinking. I will probably fall into some sort of pit again. But for now I will glory in my happy feelings. Maybe it's because it's summer and the sun shines and our house is great and I'm busy. I don't know, but I am feeling content lately. July has been a content month.

A year ago I was pregnant. A whole year has passed since I was blissfully 6 weeks pregnant with Casey & Jaimie. This time last year I imagined this summer going very differently. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would have a miscarriage and not have my babies with me. That just wouldn't happen to me. But it did. It happened twice. And now a year has passed and my uterus is still empty. No babies in my arms, not babies in my tummy. It's weird how life is.

Enough crazy ramblings, I could go on all night. Now for some pictures of my new house! (For those of you who have me on facebook, sorry for the duplicates)








Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Something that bugs me

I wanted to write this out because it's been bugging me lately. It really bugs me when I see that people are pregnant with twins. Well, seeing anyone that is pregnant bugs me but it really rubs me the wrong way when I find out its twins. I should have had twins. My first pregnancy was twins and I was going to be part of that special twins mommy group. And now I'm not. My twins died. I just feel so empty. Every pregnancy and every baby is a miracle but twins just seem so special. I get especially jealous of those who are pregnant with twins. Jealous and obsessed. I kind of creepily stalk people when I know there are twins in there. Odd I know. I just kind of wish I didn't feel this way. Bah.

On a happier note, we're moved in! Well, our boxes are there and a lot of them are unpacked. We still have quite a bit of work to do though. Slowly but surely. It's so fabulous. I basically just walk around all day smiling at it. I love owning our own place and being able to decorate it and set it up how I want it and know that it's all ours. I am happy.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Facebook

I have a love hate relationship with Facebook. I love going on there and being able to keep in touch with friends and look at people's pictures but then I hate going on and seeing pregnancy announcements or belly pics or really anything pregnancy related. I know this is wrong of me but it just rubs me the wrong way. These people have every right to be excited and post exciting updates but to me, it's like a punch in the gut. I will never announce on Facebook or post pictures for the public. Maybe I'll make a private album... I don't know. I just know that it really really hurts me and I never want to give others this same hurt. That's just my personal opinion. Although really, today's punch, serves me right. I was snooping and lurking and found out someone was pregnant. It's not like they wrote to me or that it was even on my newsfeed, I just clicked on something which led me to another page which made me find out... you know the story oh too well. And now I feel like I've been knocked off my chair. I've been doing so well this past week with feeling optimistic and positive and looking towards the future but now I feel all down again. I find it really hard when people who got married after me (some significantly after me) are getting pregnant and getting take home babies. It's irrational but it's how I feel. Blah.

On a more positive note though, we get our house in 2 days! I'm trying to keep thinking about this because it makes me happy. To think that this time on Thursday I will be standing in our new house and it will be all ours. No more renting. Our house. :) Here is a pic of us in front of our house that we took back in April when we got the home inspection done.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Appointment with OB/GYN

It went really well and I'm feeling really good about it. He sent me immediately for a basic bloodwork workup to test thyroid and some other things that I can't quite remember. He also requested some chromosomal testing for both me and Dan. He said that it could either be bad luck, something treatable, or something that could be identified but not fixable. I think that he feels it's most likely bad luck but he didn't laugh at me and feels that it's good to do some testing. I should get the results back in a couple of weeks for the basic stuff and it will be a couple of months before the chromosomal test results are back. He gave me a prescription for some infection that can be common but hard to find and he said that the antibiotics wouldn't hurt so he gave them for both of us to take.

He also told me that as soon as I'm pregnant next time, I can call him and he will give me a prescription for progesterone and baby aspirin and we will go from there. All in all, it was good and I feel like we have a plan in place.

Which leads me to this next part. As Dan and I move forward into this next phase, we are going to keep it more private. We don't want people asking all the time about whether we are pregnant or not. We will choose when we will start trying again and we will also choose as to when we will tell people that we are pregnant. Please do not ask us. We will tell you when we are ready to tell you. I know that we are loved and you are concerned and just want to be there for support but we will come to you when we are ready. Please respect our desire for privacy as we continue on this quest for our take home baby.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Rain on my Parade

I feel a little defeated. You see, I'm having a good day. I went to my appointment with my family doctor and she is very nice. It was just a get to know you meeting and we discussed my health. She didn't really say anything amazing but I came home inspired to be a healthier me. I know that with my past two pregnancies, drinking my milk and taking my folic acid and eating flax seed didn't help at all with the outcome. I felt like it was a slap in the face. And so, for the past couple of months I have completely let myself go. When I get depressed I tend not to eat instead of comfort eat. I still have my comfort foods (Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Welch's fruit gummies, and mini eggs) but I tend to not eat well. Today I felt motivated to get myself back into good shape and health. I'm not going to go crazy and eat buttered tofu (don't worry mom) but I plan on trying to improve my eating habits. So I went grocery shopping and I bought good snacks that I can bring to work. For example, cucumbers & tzaziki, celery & peanut butter, yogurt & granola, crackers & cheese, and fruit. I am feeling good about this.

Another thing I wanted to work on was exercise. More like just getting off my butt. I am so out of shape. Not that I've ever been in shape, but today it hit me. I was walking up a slight incline on the way back to my car and called Dan to tell him how my appointment went. By the time I reached the car, Dan asked if I was okay. He said I sounded winded. And I was. Embarrassingly enough, a small hill, a moderate pace, and me talking on the phone completely winded me. It was then that I realized I have to get moving more. So this evening, I decided to go for a walk. Dan was out and I ran out of boxes to pack in. So I grabbed my keys and cellphone and headed out into the cool evening for a walk around the block. Literally 2 minutes down the road and it started raining. Not like a light drizzle that I could continue walking in but a steady heavy rain. I only had a sweater on so I turned back. Now I feel a little discouraged. So much for my motivation. Maybe it will continue over into tomorrow...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Another Miserable Post

I thought that if you don't feel like reading another rant and complaining session from me, you could tell from the title that you should skip over it. I'm in such a flippin' bad mood today, again. I hate my job. I really do. I know that I need to stick with it at least until Dan is back to work and we are used to paying our monthly expenses but I just don't want to anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that I should appreciate this job and the money it pays and how helpful it is to us. But it usually doesn't work. I just want to run away from it. I want to stay at home and be grumpy. And then get stuff done. I'm sick of having to work all day and then go home and have to do all the housework. I can't stay on top of it. I'm not superwoman like other people. Some people thrive off of working, for me it just sucks everything out of me.

I don't know how to deal with this all. I know that I need to just suck it up and go on. Sometimes in life you have to do things you don't want to and this is one of those times. But I don't know how. I feel like each new day just brings me lower. I get more and more discouraged with the passing weeks. My job just seems to loom into eternity, never ending. And I hate it. I hate hate hate hate it. I feel like I'm suffocating here. But I don't know how to make it better.

My counselling went okay. I cried for the entire hour and told her all about Casey, Jaimie, and Dustin. I left feeling a little refreshed. But I don't think I'll go back. I felt like she was a little strange and I'm not sure how comfortable I feel with her. Also, I feel like it's a waste of money to go in and tell someone else my problems and then have her tell me stuff I already know. I know that I am dealing with intense grief and I know that time will heal and I know that I am doing the right thing by acknowledging they existed. I am doing all the right stuff. If I need to get these feelings out then I can blog about them or journal. I don't think I'm harbouring it all. I don't know. Maybe I'm just grumpy today and not thinking straight. But for today, I think counselling is a waste of time.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I hate that it is only Tuesday morning. I still have 4 more days to suffer through. All I want to do is go cry in the bathroom.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I DON'T WANT TO WORK!

I am in a miserable mood today. This whole yo-yo of emotions is really getting to me. I have a good day, then a bad day, then a good day, then a bad day. It's crazy. I hate being like this. But today I feel like absolute crap. All I want to do is crumple up in a little ball and cry. I hate work, I hate coming to work, I hate sitting at work, I hate it all. I just want to quit. I've almost put in two years, isn't that enough? Why do I need to stay here forever? I want to get away. All I've ever wanted to do was not work here forever. That's what I always say. It's not a lifetime career, it's just for now. Well I want now to be over. OVER! No more of this pouting and dreading each day and putting a fake smile on and pretending like I enjoy my job. I'm sick of being nice to people. I just want to stay at home. FRIG!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Getting Help

I have decided that is is time to see a counsellor. I think I need some help to get out of this place that I'm in. It took me a while to come to terms with that fact that seeking counselling isn't a sign of weakness. For some reason I have always felt that counselling was for those who were weak. I don't know. A part of me was embarrassed to admit that I may need some help. It took me a while to even ask a friend if she knew of any Christian counsellors in the area. And it also took me a while to get up the nerve to make the phone call. But I did. I have an appointment for tomorrow at 6:30pm. to see if I like her and can work with her. I'm really hoping that it goes well and this will help me to start feeling better. I need to heal in some areas of my life. The grief from my miscarriages have triggered some other hidden feelings that have surfaced their ugly faces. I also have a lot of bitterness and jealousy inside that needs to be dealt with before it overtakes me. I am really hoping that this will be a positive thing and will help me down the path of healing. June is starting out well I think.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Discouraged

I feel like crap. This weekend has been tough and I came out of it feeling worse than I did when I went into it. I feel discouraged. Discouraged with everything. I want a baby so bad. I want to be pregnant and know that everything is okay. But mostly, I want my babies back. It's no fair that other people get to have perfectly fine pregnancies where everything goes well and it's all puppies and rainbows. I want to be innocent and naive again and just think that once you get pregnant, you get your take home baby. I don't want to be this person that has a fear deep down inside of her that it will happen again. I know that pregnancies don't always have happy outcomes. I know that miscarriages do happen and that there is nothing you can do. I just hate that other people can get pregnant and stay pregnant and I can't. I'm discouraged about that.

I'm also discouraged that my apartment is a complete disaster. It needs to be cleaned so badly but when I get home in the evenings I just don't have the motivation or energy to do it. I don't want to do the dishes or clean the bathroom or vacuum up the dust bunnies. I don't want to do the laundry or make a meal plan or go grocery shopping. I don't want to do any of it. And so I don't. But then it discourages me. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm discouraged about my job. The longer I work the more I hate it. I hate having to get up in the mornings and go to an office and sit at a desk and do nothing. I hate that I've been here for nearly two years and it looks like I will be here for another. My plan was to work for a year and then get pregnant. I've never wanted to work. It was just a part time thing to get me through until I had a baby. And each time I got pregnant I thought "Yay, I'm almost out of here!". But no, that wasn't how it worked. Each time I got pregnant I had a miscarriage and so I am stuck in this dead end job that I hate. I want to stay at home and take care of the house and get a puppy and plant a garden and be a housewife. That is all I've ever wanted to do. Why isn't anything going the way I planned? Stupid stupid life.

And lastly, I'm discouraged with myself. I feel like I should be fine. I should have gotten over my losses by now and been able to move on to a normal life. But no, I still have weekly breakdowns and I still cry over what I'm missing. I feel like a failure and an emotional mess and everything else crappy. I can't seem to pick myself up and go on with life. I have a good life. I have good health, an amazing husband, a brand new house, a job that pays me well. All of these things should be enough but they're not. I feel good for a bit and I think I can continue on and then I get knocked down again. And it hurts. It hurts to constantly be falling and not making progress. I hate it all. I know that chances are I will feel a little better tomorrow. Or maybe it will be a hard week and I will feel better next week. I don't know. All I know is that right now I feel discouraged and that's that. I am in a hole of discouragement and I'm stuck.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

June

I am excited for June. June is the month of exciting times. My sister and nephew are coming in June for a visit, I have my doctor's visit on the 16th, and we are moving into our house. Those are the high points of June. I have so much faith that June will be a good month and we will enjoy ourselves and everything will be good. Life won't be as hard in June. I know that this is not true at all and June could turn into a crappy month but for now I have placed June way up there on cloud 3. Not cloud 9 because that is a little too happy. That cloud is reserved for when I get my take home baby. And I will get my take home baby.

I know that I shouldn't be looking forward to June so much. I will probably feel let down when things don't go quite as well as planned. My doctor's appointment may reveal nothing. He may tell me that there is nothing to be done until after three losses and just try again. He may not want to refer me to a specialist. He may just send me on my way. I'm trying to remain optimistic and think that he will help in some way. Even if all he has to do is fill out a referral and I will go somewhere else, I am hoping some good will come from this appointment. It's in less than a month now. I feel like it's been a long time coming. I just want to be told that all the tests and things can be done quickly and we can get results quickly and we can try again. I am sick of waiting. Although really, we would still be waiting no matter what. It hasn't been the recommended three cycles since my D&C yet. But the fact that we most likely still have another three months to wait is a little disheartening sometimes. But that's okay. In those three months we get to move into our very first house! I can't wait.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Jumbled Thoughts

My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts today. Thoughts that I can continue on and life will be normal again and I will eventually be a happy person. And then my thoughts jump to all that I've lost and I feel sorry for myself and wish I could go back in time. Next I think about how we will be moving in 6 weeks and I should really start to make a plan for purging, packing, cleaning, etc. Then I think about how much I love my husband. I'm sick of my job. Good thing spring is on its way. My tummy hurts. It could go on and on. But I will stop. My mind is just full and that's okay.

I want to try and be a happier person. I don't know how to go about doing it but there must be a way. And I will find that way. I know that I will fall and I will have my bad days but I am starting down the right path. I want to learn to find joy in every situation. So maybe that's more like it, I want to be a more joyful person.

I want to share something that a wise man told me this week. I can't remember everything he said but this is the gist of it. He told me that I am grieving the loss of my  babies. It is not something that you get over quickly, it is a process. The grief is there and it is real. Grief is like the ocean. When you first get plunged into it you are in the middle of a storm. The waves are high and overwhelming and you feel like you are drowning. But eventually, the storm quiets and the waves are more gentle. Soon the waves are very small and you begin to feel okay again. But every once in a while a big wave comes and it hits you hard. You don't always know where that wave came from and you can't always explain it but it still comes. And you will go under momentarily again. I really liked this definition. I felt that it described how I was feeling really well. The grief was definitely more intense at the beginning but it has subsided. But once in a while something triggers something and I have a meltdown. Sometimes I know why and other times I just have a "bad" day. There's no way around that. It's a slow process.

I think that is enough of my thoughts for today. My mind is going in circles and I'm having troubles writing what I'm thinking.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Mother's Day

I don't fully know how I feel about this day. It didn't even cross my mind at first but as we get closer and closer to it, I realize that I just want to hide from it all. Skip over it maybe. I love my mom and I love that we have a day to recognize all moms out there. But it hurts because I should be celebrating too. I should have two precious little two month olds at home and I should be on maternity leave. But I don't. I lost Casey and Jaimie and no matter how hard it is to bear, that's the fact of it. Another thing that stings is that I would have been 20 weeks pregnant on Sunday with Dustin. 20 weeks. Wow. That means that it has already been 12 weeks since we said good bye. I can't believe how fast time goes. But at the same time, it's passing so slowly. I don't get to celebrate Mother's Day with my babies or a pregnant belly. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

I am going to skip church on Sunday. I know that I couldn't handle sitting there listening to the speaker talk about moms and watch as the sunday school kids pass out carnations to all of the mothers in the crowd. My heart would break and I would most definitely have a meltdown. Dan still has to go. He is doing special music and has to be there. So I will stay home by myself. I will sleep in and cry and feel sorry for myself. But then I will get out of bed. Dan and I will then spend the afternoon together doing something. Anything. Maybe it will be a sunny day and we can go for a picnic and a walk. I don't know what we will do.

I know that I'm not the only one dreading this day. I'm sure there are many other people out there not looking forward to a day celebrating something that we don't have. My thoughts especially go out to my hospital buddy as I know this day will be hard for her. Many hugs to us and anyone else grieving the loss of a baby. We will get through this day. We are strong.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Feeling Weird

I feel kind of weird today. I don't know what it is but something is up. I am antsy and impatient and my mind is going a mile a minute. I don't want to be a work anymore. I'm hungry. I feel like going for a walk. I have the sudden urge to pack. I want a puppy. I want a baby. I want to be pregnant. I guess really it all comes back to the baby thing. Maybe it's with mothers day coming up or maybe its because deep down all I have ever wanted was to be a mom. I just feel like the days are crawling by and we will be TTA forever. I know, dramatic. It'll only be another couple of months hopefully.

Maybe I should start a new hobby. But what? I just need something to keep my mind off of the fact that we don't have a baby. I want to be happy in my circumstances and not be wishing my whole life away. Its just hard sometimes...