Thursday, March 31, 2011

Seriously???

Dan got laid off today. The kicks just keep coming. I hate life!

**Alright, I am going to add to this a little. I was very angry when I first wrote this post but since then things have begun to look up a little bit. Dan's lay off is most likely temporary. They really like him there and will probably hire him back in a month when things pick up a bit. And in the meantime, he will probably have some part time work with a guy he worked for last spring. So life isn't all bad. I just thought it was.**

Welcome to My Life

The other day I was reading on The Bump and one of the ladies there made a comment that got me thinking. She said that she now can safely say what the worst day of her life was. The day she lost her baby. It hit me hard. I think that the hardest part for me is I don't know if I could just choose one day. This past year has been such a rollercoaster of a ride and I don't think that I could choose just one bad day. I have had many. Would it be the day that I found out I would most likely miscarry Jaimie? Or what about the day I was told Casey's heart had stopped beating. The day that I bled like crazy and rushed to the hospital thinking I had lost Dustin was pretty bad. But that couldn't top the crushing disappointment to hear that Dustin's heart had stopped after fighting to hold on to life. And then there are all those days mashed in between of heart break and despair. Yes, I have had many bad days. And the sad part is, there is probably more to come. I don't think that I could pick just one day to be labelled as the "worst". I would feel guilty choosing one over the other as there are three days that my world came crashing down. The three days when I found out my babies had died.

But there are also the good days in life. Once again, how can you choose the "best" day? Would it be my wedding day? Or the day Dan proposed? How about the day that I found out I would be a mother? Or seeing Casey's heart beating away on that screen. The second time I took a pregnancy test I was defnitely excited but it wasn't the same innocent joy I had felt the first time. There was relief when I saw Dustin's heart beating too. Oh so many happy moments. Why does life have to have so many ups and downs? Why is life so hard?

I want to go back to my childhood of wearing my pink skirt and daydreaming of the day that I would get married and have babies and life happily ever after. Why can't it be that easy? I feel like I've been cheated in a way. Cheated out of the pure bliss of a first pregnancy. Cheated out of the innocence of thinking everything about my baby would be fine. Cheated out of a perfect ultrasound. Cheated out of ever hearing the cries of my precious babies. Yes, I may go on to have more children. Or I may not. But even if I do, they won't replace Casey, Jaimie, and Dustin. Nothing ever will. A good friend of my family who has gone through many more miscarriages than me reminded me of this. No children will ever replace the ones that I have lost. I will just have to be content in knowing that one day I will meet my angel babies. But in the meantime, I have to learn to be content in my situation and learn how to survive and make it through my life. Because no matter how much I don't like what has happened, it has and I need to accept it. The events of this past year are shaping me into the person I am going to be.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Oh Happy Day!

Today is a better day. I'm still sad and I could probably still start crying at any moment but I'm trying to think of the good things. I got my period today. I know that this joy won't last too long but I was getting a little concerned. After my first D&C, my period showed up exactly 4 weeks later. So I of course assumed my body would cooperate and do the same thing. Well, it didn't. So ever since Thursday I've been worrying that my body won't adjust and would just screw things up more. Well, today it caught up. And I feel horrible. I'm cramping and feel nauseous but at least I'm on the road to recovery. It's rare that I am happy to see my period arrive. Very rare. I think I can think of two other times in my life where I felt relief to see that blood. Once after my first D&C and the second time was the last cycle before we could start trying again. I know that from now on, I will hate it just like the good old days. But for today, I will take joy in this small thing.

The other happy thing is that we got pre-approved last night for a $250,000 mortgage. And I'm pretty sure we have found our dream house. I know I shouldn't put too much of my heart into this house seeing as we may not even get it but still... I WANT IT!!! Here is a picture of how I look.
We will be visiting the house on Thursday and will see how the interior looks. Yes, I know I'm crazy for wanting this house so badly when I haven't even seen inside. But the pictures look fabulous. I guess I will just have to be patient and wait until Thursday. Updates will follow.

Friday, March 25, 2011

It's A Cruel World

Why is it that when life gets you down, it just keeps kicking you while you're down there? After our second loss, we decided to plan a trip. It was something that we have been wanting to do for a while and figured why not do it now. So we excitedly started planning. We were going to hop on a motorcycle and ride to the Grand Canyon. We started shopping for bikes, I bought some books off of Amazon, and we started stashing away money. Everything seemed great. Yes, money would be a little tight but we could do it. It gave me something to look forward to and helped me cope. It was our dream trip that we were finally going to take. Fast forward 5 weeks...

The motor in Dan's car blew. And our very first Subaru has gone to car heaven. No more. Gone. So now we need to purchase a new one. And it will cost approximately the same as a new bike. What does that mean? It means we will not have enough money to buy a bike and if we don't have the bike, we can't go to the Grand Canyon. Just like that. We still haven't admitted it and we just keep saying "we'll see" but really, deep down inside, I know we won't be going. And I hate it.

I hate how life doesn't go as planned. I hate how as soon as I look forward to something it is taken away from me. There is no point in making plans or dreaming of something because it won't happen. I won't have a baby and I won't go on my dream trip. Heck, we probably won't even get a house. I'm feeling down in the dumps and like the world is out to get us. Did we do something wrong? Is everything going wrong because we deserve it? Were we too happy, was life going too well? I feel like my world is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have no motivation for getting up. The only thing that I have to look forward to is working for another million years since I will never get to take maternity leave. Everything feels so far away and bleak and hopeless. I hate everything.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Dear Nurse

Thank you for making my day start out so well. Not only do I love getting bloodwork done and waiting in that room that only has bad memories for me, I also love it when people are insensitive and stick their foot in their mouth.

Thank you for asking me if I had my baby yet. I know that I must look joyous and happy and fat enough to have just had a baby. I also know that if I had just had my baby, I would probably be toting along a carseat with a baby in it. But those are just small factors that you probably didn't take into consideration.

Thank you for dropping the subject so quickly when I answered no to the baby question. I know that me averting my eyes and answering in a very small voice probably didn't give it away that it was a sensitive subject. And since you were so observant, I also really appreciated you optimistically telling me that you hoped my numbers were going in the right direction! Yes, I do too. I hope they are going down.

In closing, I want to say that this whole experience has really helped me see that no matter where you go or what you think people should already know, there will always be an idiot amongst them.

Gratefully,
Jenn

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Pleasantly Surprised

I love how in life, such small things can take you by surprise and bring pleasure. I finally figured out why my teacher hadn't responded to my e-mails. He had in fact, just through the confusing way of my online course. And of course I couldn't find out how to read them. So he very nicely forwarded them to my regular e-mail account. He always had positive feedback to my previous assignments I handed in and wrote a very kind response to my "I had a miscarriage and my life is falling apart and I can't get the assignments in on time" e-mail. He told me that he was very sorry and that he couldn't even begin to imagine what I was going through and to take a bit of time to get my life back in order. And then he gave me an extension! I have until April 1st to hand in my last two assignments.
The reason why I am pleasantly surprised is that this whole online course thing has been frustrating from the beginning. I have never liked my teacher and felt that he wasn't doing a good job. I still have bitter feelings towards the course in general but my teacher surprised me. And I like it when people surprise me. It makes me realize that people are usually better than you think and you shouldn't judge others. So now I feel a little better and will spend the next week and a half working hard on my homework. When given a second chance, you must take it. You never know how many chances you will get.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Living in the Moment

Today is a good day. I am doing pretty well emotionally and am even feeling a little optimisitc. I know that tomorrow could very well be a bad day and all of these positive thoughts of today won't matter but right now, I am living for today.

I have decided that TTA for the next little while is a good decision. I think that it will give us time to heal emotionally and physically, it will help us build a better relationship, and will let us enjoy another summer as just the two of us. Going through a miscarriage is hard. It's hard on the woman, it's hard on the man, and it's hard on the couple. Yes, some days it brings you closer together and then some days it drives you farther apart. It's just plain hard. So this summer Dan and I will work on our relationship, on spending time together and enjoying each other. We will go on adventures, some planned and some spontaneous. We will be just us. I am looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to spending time with my husband and enjoying his company and not have babies in the back of my brain. Although truthfully, the topic of babies won't be too far away. I know that it will always be there in my head, tormenting me. But I will do my best to push it aside for now. We will not be having a 2011 baby. That's that and I need to accept it. There is no point in living in yesterday. Yes, I will still grieve and yes I will still have hard days where all I can think about it how much I want a baby. But I want to try and live more for today. Enjoy the little things in life. Take pleasure in a clean kitchen, a flower blooming, or an e-mail from a friend. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be jealous. I want to be me. And maybe parts of this new me will be bitter and jealous but I don't want it to overtake me and consume me. Life is hard. Other people will always seem to have things better than us. Things will come easily to others and they won't have to work for it. But things are always worse too and some things are hard to come by. It's just life. Life isn't fair and I will have to learn to live with that.

 I am thankful for:
  • My job in a wonderful office with caring and understanding staff
  • My car that allows me to drive to work instead of having to wait at the bus stop
  • My apartment that is homey and welcoming to come home to
  • My wonderful husband who loves me no matter how crazy I can be
  • My casserole exchange buddies who provide me with suppers so that I don't have to cook each night
  • My Cadbury egg that I had in my lunch
  • My family who cares about me enough to ask how I am doing
  • My TTCAL buddies who are going through the same things as me and can relate
I know that I still have a long hard road ahead of me and I will fall and stumble and occasionally give up. But I can make it! I will make it! And one day, I will have my take-home baby. What a wonderful day that will be!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...

I have this song in my head as I trudge through Friday afternoon. Today marks exactly one month since my last ultrasound. The ultrasound where they told me Dustin's heart had stopped beating. Exactly four weeks ago today I was curled up in a little ball thinking I couldn't go on, there was no way I could handle this heartbreak for a second time. But, here I am. Alive and well and working. I have to go on. I need to think that there will be better days ahead of me and the sun will shine in my life again. I need to keep a positive attitude and believe that one day God will bless us with a baby. We will pick ourselves up and we will try again. How many times we will try is a whole other topic. I guess we will just have to face that bridge when we cross it. I am just taking each day as it comes and hopefully each day will bring me a little closer to healing. I will survive!
Moving on to other things... I called PIPC today to see if they had contacted the specialist in Toronto yet to schedule me an appointment. I was hoping they had and my phone had just been acting up so I didn't get the message. High hopes I guess. It's on my file as a "to do" but they haven't done it yet. Blah. So maybe next week. Next week I have to go and get my hcg levels checked to see if they are down to less than 5. I am so hoping that they will be. I don't know how many times I can get blood drawn. I'm pretty sure I can still see all four marks on my arms from my IVs (and them trying to get my IVs in). I hate needles and the farther I can stay away from them the better. My Dr. was also hoping to see if the specialist required any blood tests before I started the pill but if she hasn't even made the appointment yet... I probably won't get that done. If my body cooperates on the same schedule as last time, I should be getting my period next Thursday. And I'm supposed to start the pill on the first day of my period. What are the chances that she will call the doctor, get an appointment made, and bloodwork paperwork done before Thursday? Slim to none I think. Oh well. That's life I guess.

On days like today, I wish I lived closer to my family. I would love to hang out with my wonderful understanding sisters who know that I am hurting and what I'm going through sucks. I would love to get a hug from my big strong brother. I would love to hear my dad say "I love you" in his sweet voice that is so familiar and comforting to me. And I would love to climb up in the rocking chair like when I was little and curl up in my moms arms.

... There'd Be Days Like This Mama Said.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My Mood Matches the Weather

The weather is much more suiting to my mood than yesterday. Yesterday was happy and warm and full of sunshine but I felt like I was dying inside. Today it's dark and gloomy and rainy and is more fitting to my mood today.
I feel like a part of me has died. I have no motivation and everywhere I go and everything I think reminds me of my loss and how I am not pregnant. I hate how in such a short period of time you can go from soaring above the clouds to a muddy pit in a ditch somewhere. Just a few little words can change everything. "I'm sorry. There's no more heartbeat". Those are the words no one deserves to hear. And yet, I have heard them three times. And each time a small part of my died. I feel like I have lost my innocence, my naivety, my bliss. Never again will I be that happy-go-lucky pregnant person who thinks nothing could ever go wrong. Never will I go happily into appointments expecting the best. Next time, if there is a next time, I will be terrified for the entire 9 months. If I ever make it that far. As soon as I see those two pink lines, a fear will start developing in me that it will all happen again. That I will never get my take home baby. I will be paralyzed with anxiety around the 8 week mark. And if I make it past that point, will I ever calm down? Bad things happen in the world. And they can happen at any time.

I guess a part of me is sort of happy that I'm not that same person I was. Maybe I will be more caring and sensitive now. Maybe I won't say hurtful comments to people who are going through what I have been and never realize it. Maybe now I can be a comfort to others who go through this gut wrenching pain and hurt and confusion. I will never be able to answer the one question that they all ask though. Why? Why did this happen? Why did my baby's heart stop beating? Why me? No one will be able to answer those tough questions but hopefully I will be able to hurt right along with them and help them with their pain.

Maybe I'm not dead inside but just sleeping. Maybe it's self preservation, my way of coping with everything. Maybe I will come back to life slowly, with each passing day. I know that I will never be the same person I was last June but hopefully I won't stay the person that I am right now. In the end, I hope to come out stronger. Because as a wise sister of mine told me once, women are strong. Unbelievably strong.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Am I a Quitter?

This is my question of the day. I have wanted to quit a lot of things in my life but never have. I wanted to quit highschool (what teenager hasn't at some point), I wanted to quit various jobs (some more than others), I wanted to quit learning to drive standard, and I'm sure there are other things too. But now, now I really really want to quit this dumb online course that I'm taking. I hate it with a passion. I think it's unhealthy for me. I know that part of my problem now is that I have procrastinated and I have too much to do in too short of a time. But I think I have a valid reason for procrastinating. For some reason I didn't feel like researching ice cream and writing a business plan when I didn't know if my baby's heart was still beating. I didn't feel like finding the break even point and contribution margin when I knew that there was a lifeless little being inside of me. And I didn't feel like doing cashflows and balance sheets when I was recovering from my D&C. And now, now it is all due. But all I seem to be good at lately is crying. I cry all the time now. I told Dan that my tear ducts must be broken because they keep leaking at the stupidest things. Every little thing can bring on the waterworks. I know that it's a part of the grieving process and I have to get through it but it still sucks.

Would it make me a bad person to just throw in the towel and say screw it? Would it be irresponsible of me to waste the $400 that was put out for this course? Or would it be better for my wellbeing and healing if I just gave it up? Those are the questions that keep running through my head. But quitting hasn't really been an option in the past. You just suck it up and move on.

I just feel so down lately. Every little thing sets me off. Going home to my messy house with no food in the fridge or cupboards makes me want to cry. Seeing the teenage moms pushing their babies in strollers makes me want to cry. My ham sandwich makes me want to cry. Thinking about homework makes me want to cry. Getting up in the morning makes me want to cry. Seeing pregnant bellies makes me want to cry. But the worst thing of all: thinking. Thinking about the what should have beens just kills me. I should have been welcoming two beautiful little babies into the world. I would have had Casey and Jaimie by now since twins don't usually go to 40 weeks. They would have been beautiful. I know they would have been. I can just imagine the proud look on Dan's face as he gazed upon his gorgeous children. I should be overtired from lack of sleep, I should be doing 10 loads of laundry a day, I should be taking care of my children. But I'm not. I'm still at work, still in school, and still going through my day to day activities with no babies at home. And no baby in my tummy. I should at least be 12 weeks pregnant right now. I should have had my second appointment and heard the beautiful sound of a heartbeat. I don't even know what that sounds like because I've never made it far enough to hear it. But I know it would be beautiful. It would be one of the most beautiful sounds in the world.

I hate that I feel like this. I hate that I can't stay pregnant. I hate that my babies had to die. I hate that I can't give Dan the son he so badly wants. I hate that I hate all pregnant women. I hate the feeling of jealousy and bitterness that is inside of me on a daily basis. I hate this desk and this office and the shirt. I even hate the sunshine today.

I think that this post is long enough as it is and I could probably vent all day long so I will stop now.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Starting to Put a Plan in Place

So today was the beginning of our next step. My doctor is referring us to a specialist in Toronto to get further testing done to make sure everything is okay with me. I really would like to find this out before getting pregnant again and see if there is something that we can do to help it. She is going to get back to me hopefully later this week about which specialist had an opening for me. I'm hoping we won't have to wait too long to get in, although in the long run it doesn't really matter. We will be TTA for at least 6 months, maybe more. I have to go in next week for bloodwork to make sure my hcg levels have gone back down after my D&C. I also got a prescription to go back on the pill. It makes it seem more real now. We won't be getting our take home baby in 2011. And maybe not even 2012. It's kind of depressing to think of the future... it seems so bleak.

But, on a positive note. The waiting room was completely empty when I got to my appointment which I appreciated so much. I always find it hard sitting there with all the pregnant women with beautiful little baby bumps. I think that God was making it easier on me. Especially since today was my EDD for Casey & Jaimie. The sun is shining and life will continue on. It has to.

Joining the Blogging World

So it is official, I have decided to start a blog. I know that everyone has one and I'm a little behind in times but I wasn't sure how I felt about them. I may not tell anyone about my blog for a bit and just get a feel for it. I'm new to this whole blog thing and have no idea how to go about making it look cool. I will learn as I go I guess.

I am hoping that writing out my feelings and emotions will help me in my healing process. And hopefully this blog will one day end with a baby. Welcome to my blog and I hope you don't get too bored.