Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Am I a Quitter?

This is my question of the day. I have wanted to quit a lot of things in my life but never have. I wanted to quit highschool (what teenager hasn't at some point), I wanted to quit various jobs (some more than others), I wanted to quit learning to drive standard, and I'm sure there are other things too. But now, now I really really want to quit this dumb online course that I'm taking. I hate it with a passion. I think it's unhealthy for me. I know that part of my problem now is that I have procrastinated and I have too much to do in too short of a time. But I think I have a valid reason for procrastinating. For some reason I didn't feel like researching ice cream and writing a business plan when I didn't know if my baby's heart was still beating. I didn't feel like finding the break even point and contribution margin when I knew that there was a lifeless little being inside of me. And I didn't feel like doing cashflows and balance sheets when I was recovering from my D&C. And now, now it is all due. But all I seem to be good at lately is crying. I cry all the time now. I told Dan that my tear ducts must be broken because they keep leaking at the stupidest things. Every little thing can bring on the waterworks. I know that it's a part of the grieving process and I have to get through it but it still sucks.

Would it make me a bad person to just throw in the towel and say screw it? Would it be irresponsible of me to waste the $400 that was put out for this course? Or would it be better for my wellbeing and healing if I just gave it up? Those are the questions that keep running through my head. But quitting hasn't really been an option in the past. You just suck it up and move on.

I just feel so down lately. Every little thing sets me off. Going home to my messy house with no food in the fridge or cupboards makes me want to cry. Seeing the teenage moms pushing their babies in strollers makes me want to cry. My ham sandwich makes me want to cry. Thinking about homework makes me want to cry. Getting up in the morning makes me want to cry. Seeing pregnant bellies makes me want to cry. But the worst thing of all: thinking. Thinking about the what should have beens just kills me. I should have been welcoming two beautiful little babies into the world. I would have had Casey and Jaimie by now since twins don't usually go to 40 weeks. They would have been beautiful. I know they would have been. I can just imagine the proud look on Dan's face as he gazed upon his gorgeous children. I should be overtired from lack of sleep, I should be doing 10 loads of laundry a day, I should be taking care of my children. But I'm not. I'm still at work, still in school, and still going through my day to day activities with no babies at home. And no baby in my tummy. I should at least be 12 weeks pregnant right now. I should have had my second appointment and heard the beautiful sound of a heartbeat. I don't even know what that sounds like because I've never made it far enough to hear it. But I know it would be beautiful. It would be one of the most beautiful sounds in the world.

I hate that I feel like this. I hate that I can't stay pregnant. I hate that my babies had to die. I hate that I can't give Dan the son he so badly wants. I hate that I hate all pregnant women. I hate the feeling of jealousy and bitterness that is inside of me on a daily basis. I hate this desk and this office and the shirt. I even hate the sunshine today.

I think that this post is long enough as it is and I could probably vent all day long so I will stop now.

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