Friday, March 25, 2011

It's A Cruel World

Why is it that when life gets you down, it just keeps kicking you while you're down there? After our second loss, we decided to plan a trip. It was something that we have been wanting to do for a while and figured why not do it now. So we excitedly started planning. We were going to hop on a motorcycle and ride to the Grand Canyon. We started shopping for bikes, I bought some books off of Amazon, and we started stashing away money. Everything seemed great. Yes, money would be a little tight but we could do it. It gave me something to look forward to and helped me cope. It was our dream trip that we were finally going to take. Fast forward 5 weeks...

The motor in Dan's car blew. And our very first Subaru has gone to car heaven. No more. Gone. So now we need to purchase a new one. And it will cost approximately the same as a new bike. What does that mean? It means we will not have enough money to buy a bike and if we don't have the bike, we can't go to the Grand Canyon. Just like that. We still haven't admitted it and we just keep saying "we'll see" but really, deep down inside, I know we won't be going. And I hate it.

I hate how life doesn't go as planned. I hate how as soon as I look forward to something it is taken away from me. There is no point in making plans or dreaming of something because it won't happen. I won't have a baby and I won't go on my dream trip. Heck, we probably won't even get a house. I'm feeling down in the dumps and like the world is out to get us. Did we do something wrong? Is everything going wrong because we deserve it? Were we too happy, was life going too well? I feel like my world is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have no motivation for getting up. The only thing that I have to look forward to is working for another million years since I will never get to take maternity leave. Everything feels so far away and bleak and hopeless. I hate everything.

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