Monday, March 21, 2011

Living in the Moment

Today is a good day. I am doing pretty well emotionally and am even feeling a little optimisitc. I know that tomorrow could very well be a bad day and all of these positive thoughts of today won't matter but right now, I am living for today.

I have decided that TTA for the next little while is a good decision. I think that it will give us time to heal emotionally and physically, it will help us build a better relationship, and will let us enjoy another summer as just the two of us. Going through a miscarriage is hard. It's hard on the woman, it's hard on the man, and it's hard on the couple. Yes, some days it brings you closer together and then some days it drives you farther apart. It's just plain hard. So this summer Dan and I will work on our relationship, on spending time together and enjoying each other. We will go on adventures, some planned and some spontaneous. We will be just us. I am looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to spending time with my husband and enjoying his company and not have babies in the back of my brain. Although truthfully, the topic of babies won't be too far away. I know that it will always be there in my head, tormenting me. But I will do my best to push it aside for now. We will not be having a 2011 baby. That's that and I need to accept it. There is no point in living in yesterday. Yes, I will still grieve and yes I will still have hard days where all I can think about it how much I want a baby. But I want to try and live more for today. Enjoy the little things in life. Take pleasure in a clean kitchen, a flower blooming, or an e-mail from a friend. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be jealous. I want to be me. And maybe parts of this new me will be bitter and jealous but I don't want it to overtake me and consume me. Life is hard. Other people will always seem to have things better than us. Things will come easily to others and they won't have to work for it. But things are always worse too and some things are hard to come by. It's just life. Life isn't fair and I will have to learn to live with that.

 I am thankful for:
  • My job in a wonderful office with caring and understanding staff
  • My car that allows me to drive to work instead of having to wait at the bus stop
  • My apartment that is homey and welcoming to come home to
  • My wonderful husband who loves me no matter how crazy I can be
  • My casserole exchange buddies who provide me with suppers so that I don't have to cook each night
  • My Cadbury egg that I had in my lunch
  • My family who cares about me enough to ask how I am doing
  • My TTCAL buddies who are going through the same things as me and can relate
I know that I still have a long hard road ahead of me and I will fall and stumble and occasionally give up. But I can make it! I will make it! And one day, I will have my take-home baby. What a wonderful day that will be!

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