Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My Mood Matches the Weather

The weather is much more suiting to my mood than yesterday. Yesterday was happy and warm and full of sunshine but I felt like I was dying inside. Today it's dark and gloomy and rainy and is more fitting to my mood today.
I feel like a part of me has died. I have no motivation and everywhere I go and everything I think reminds me of my loss and how I am not pregnant. I hate how in such a short period of time you can go from soaring above the clouds to a muddy pit in a ditch somewhere. Just a few little words can change everything. "I'm sorry. There's no more heartbeat". Those are the words no one deserves to hear. And yet, I have heard them three times. And each time a small part of my died. I feel like I have lost my innocence, my naivety, my bliss. Never again will I be that happy-go-lucky pregnant person who thinks nothing could ever go wrong. Never will I go happily into appointments expecting the best. Next time, if there is a next time, I will be terrified for the entire 9 months. If I ever make it that far. As soon as I see those two pink lines, a fear will start developing in me that it will all happen again. That I will never get my take home baby. I will be paralyzed with anxiety around the 8 week mark. And if I make it past that point, will I ever calm down? Bad things happen in the world. And they can happen at any time.

I guess a part of me is sort of happy that I'm not that same person I was. Maybe I will be more caring and sensitive now. Maybe I won't say hurtful comments to people who are going through what I have been and never realize it. Maybe now I can be a comfort to others who go through this gut wrenching pain and hurt and confusion. I will never be able to answer the one question that they all ask though. Why? Why did this happen? Why did my baby's heart stop beating? Why me? No one will be able to answer those tough questions but hopefully I will be able to hurt right along with them and help them with their pain.

Maybe I'm not dead inside but just sleeping. Maybe it's self preservation, my way of coping with everything. Maybe I will come back to life slowly, with each passing day. I know that I will never be the same person I was last June but hopefully I won't stay the person that I am right now. In the end, I hope to come out stronger. Because as a wise sister of mine told me once, women are strong. Unbelievably strong.

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