Thursday, March 31, 2011

Welcome to My Life

The other day I was reading on The Bump and one of the ladies there made a comment that got me thinking. She said that she now can safely say what the worst day of her life was. The day she lost her baby. It hit me hard. I think that the hardest part for me is I don't know if I could just choose one day. This past year has been such a rollercoaster of a ride and I don't think that I could choose just one bad day. I have had many. Would it be the day that I found out I would most likely miscarry Jaimie? Or what about the day I was told Casey's heart had stopped beating. The day that I bled like crazy and rushed to the hospital thinking I had lost Dustin was pretty bad. But that couldn't top the crushing disappointment to hear that Dustin's heart had stopped after fighting to hold on to life. And then there are all those days mashed in between of heart break and despair. Yes, I have had many bad days. And the sad part is, there is probably more to come. I don't think that I could pick just one day to be labelled as the "worst". I would feel guilty choosing one over the other as there are three days that my world came crashing down. The three days when I found out my babies had died.

But there are also the good days in life. Once again, how can you choose the "best" day? Would it be my wedding day? Or the day Dan proposed? How about the day that I found out I would be a mother? Or seeing Casey's heart beating away on that screen. The second time I took a pregnancy test I was defnitely excited but it wasn't the same innocent joy I had felt the first time. There was relief when I saw Dustin's heart beating too. Oh so many happy moments. Why does life have to have so many ups and downs? Why is life so hard?

I want to go back to my childhood of wearing my pink skirt and daydreaming of the day that I would get married and have babies and life happily ever after. Why can't it be that easy? I feel like I've been cheated in a way. Cheated out of the pure bliss of a first pregnancy. Cheated out of the innocence of thinking everything about my baby would be fine. Cheated out of a perfect ultrasound. Cheated out of ever hearing the cries of my precious babies. Yes, I may go on to have more children. Or I may not. But even if I do, they won't replace Casey, Jaimie, and Dustin. Nothing ever will. A good friend of my family who has gone through many more miscarriages than me reminded me of this. No children will ever replace the ones that I have lost. I will just have to be content in knowing that one day I will meet my angel babies. But in the meantime, I have to learn to be content in my situation and learn how to survive and make it through my life. Because no matter how much I don't like what has happened, it has and I need to accept it. The events of this past year are shaping me into the person I am going to be.

1 comment:

  1. Jennie, well expressed, those frustrations. I am glad to see that you are working throught the ocean of emotions, coming and going, like waves on the shore, some bigger than others.
    Life isn't a "happily ever after" story, but I wish for you too that you could return to read-headed, pink-skirted, day-dreaming Jennie.
    I love you, just wanted you to know.