Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Do I look young?

Okay, so I know that I obviously don't look old but do I look especially young? This comes from being told "Good Girl" in a voice that you would use with your 3 year old who just successfully went potty. I know it wasn't meant that way but that's how I took it. And maybe I do look young? Should I do my hair differently? Actually take time in the morning to put on make up? Maybe I should get a new wardrobe for work. It's mostly in my work life that it bugs me. When I'm at home or with friends, I could care less if I look young but at work I feel like it puts me on this lower level. I'm the "youngster", the one who is naive and doesn't know much. I'm beginning to get frustrated with this. I want to be taken seriously and not thought of as the little one who just doesn't know better. But I don't know how to go about fixing this... Any suggestions?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Getting in to see a doctor...

Is more complicated than I thought! So last week I decided that it was time for me to move away from the pregnancy clinic that I've been to for the last two pregnancies and get in to see an OB/GYN. So, I called the ob/gyn's office to see what I needed to do to get an appointment. I needed a referral. Fine, that sounded easy enough. So I called the clinic and asked them to send over a referral. Well, they didn't want to. They told me that the ob/gyn wouldn't be able to see me for months and then he wouldn't even be able to help me. Thanks for the encouragement. After much persuasion, I convinced them to send a referral. Fast forward a week. I called yesterday to make sure the referral had been received. It hadn't. Great. So I called the clinic to find out what had happened. They rudely told me that it had been faxed last Tuesday, like I had asked. They then reminded me again that the ob/gyn wouldn't be able to help me. Bah! I'm kind of glad to be getting away from them.

I still haven't done anything about it yet. I may call the ob/gyn's office tomorrow to check again and then offer to hand deliver it for them. I know that it may take a while to get an appointment but it would go a whole lot faster if the dang referral was sent in the first place! I'm so frustrated with it all.

My plan of action right now is to get in to see this ob/gyn. Hopefully he will be able to help me out a little bit. At least refer me to see a specialist or something. I want to get tests done and see if there are any problems before trying again. If there is a way to prevent another miscarriage, I will take it. The past few days have been really tough. I cry every night and feel like my world is crashing down. It's like I'm drowning in a sea of sadness. I know that I couldn't handle another loss anytime soon (not that it's ever easy) but at the same time I want a baby so badly that having to wait multiple months feels like an eternity. Although at this point, I don't know what would make me happy. I feel so alone in this. Like no one really understands what I'm going through.

Monday, April 18, 2011

No Hope Here

I am feeling so down lately. This past week has been tough and I find everything ticks me off and sends me on a downward spiral. I feel like nothing is going as planned. I am feeling sorry for myself and having a pity party. I know it's dumb and it won't help me feel any better but that is how I feel right now and so that's the way it will be.

I hate my job. Each day makes me dislike it even more. Yes the office is great and the paycheque is nice but I am so incredibley sick of getting up in the morning and coming and sitting at my desk and being bored out of my mind. I want to quit and stay home and make bread and get a dog and have babies. That's all I've ever wanted to do. I wanted to get married and have kids. That's it, pointe final. But that isn't the way it's working. The whole baby thing is getting me down and I feel like I will never have kids. I will just be stuck at the dead end job forever and continue on with life how it is now. I feel like everything is never ending and this depression and sadness is overwhelming. I must be a real treat to be around.

How do I get out of this slump? How do I continue on with life without feeling this constant weight upon me? Help!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Screw You School

I'm supposed to be studying tonight for my exam on Friday. It's worth 50% of my mark. :S But I'm in such a bad place emotionally tonight that I'm not even opening my textbook. I feel like crap and I just want to be miserable. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my friend who gets to have a happy first pregnancy where everything is going fine. I'm jealous that she gets to go shopping for curtains for the nursery. I'm jealous she got to hear her baby's heartbeat. I'm jealous that she is starting to show. I'm jealous that she isn't working and gets to stay home and daydream about her baby. I'm just so incredibly jealous and it is consuming me. I hate that it is. I'm happy for her, don't get me wrong. It's just a happiness that is overpowered with jealousy. Sigh...

Friday, April 8, 2011

Birthdays and Babies

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 22. It was supposed to be my first birthday with my precious babies. I had a wonderful day and Dan made sure I felt special. He blew up 80 balloons and hung streamers from the ceiling and light fixtures. He invited our friends and we celebrated. It was a blast. But I still didn't have my babies. I tried not to think about it and I did pretty good. But it's still there, in the back of my head that I should have had Casey and Jaimie with me. I hate this. I hate how happy occasions turn a little sad because we will never have our babies with us. It just makes me angry. Angry at the world, angry that anyone should have to go through this. Angry angry angry.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what our next steps should be in this whole baby journey. I don't know if I should push for testing and see what's going on or if we should just try again. I don't know who I should contact or what I should ask or how I go about doing anything. I'm lost and alone and want someone to help me through all of this. I want to talk to someone here, in the same city as me, who has gone through something similar. I want to know what they did, what they're experiences were, how they moved forward. I'm just confused and sad. So very sad. I want this sadness to end and I want to be happy. Maybe I need a good cry. I haven't had one of those in at least a week. Bah! What a pathetic life.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Phewf!

Good news. After some nervewracking time this morning of being concerned about our mortgage, Dan just called to tell me the good news. We have our financing! The banks found out this morning that Dan had gotten laid off and they weren't really impressed. So after some frantic times of getting letters from employers, running around, etc, we sent off all the information they requested. And all is good. The last condition to remove is the home inspection on Friday and then we will be out of our conditional period! I am feeling very relieved. And as a treat, I will post a picture of our new house. :)

Monday, April 4, 2011

I carry you in my heart

Remember that grief is not something you get over
It is something that you walk through...
My shoes are worn and my feet hurt from this walk.
~Author Unknown~

I found this poem and I thought it to be very applicable. I need to remember that my grief is real and will not disappear. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and be all better. That I will be happy and content and life won't seem so harsh. I know that I can never go back to the old me but I want to be a happier me. I am still so sad sometimes and my mood can change in an instant. I need to remember that this is part of the grieving process and that I can't just skip over it. I need to walk through it. And day by day I will become stronger. I will never forget my babies but the hurt will get better with time.

Casey, Jaimie, and Dustin, I will carry you in my heart always.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Today, I miss my babies

Today I am really missing my babies. This past week I've been busy with the house stuff and all the excitement that comes with that, but today I just want to be a mom. I know that I am a mom and I always will be even if I don't get to have any children at home, but I'm really feeling the loss today. I feel like all my friends either have a baby or are pregnant and get to be stay-at-home moms. I feel left out and it hurts. I want to have Casey and Jaimie at home with me. And if I can't have them, I still want Dustin safe and sound and growing inside of me. I should have been 15 weeks today. I wonder how it feels to be that far along...

Friday, April 1, 2011

We bought a house

Wow. Things moved really quickly and we bought a house! Amazing eh? We are pretty much thrilled and feel like for once things are turning around a bit.Life may not be so bad after all. At least for today. I am so excited!!!!