Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 22. It was supposed to be my first birthday with my precious babies. I had a wonderful day and Dan made sure I felt special. He blew up 80 balloons and hung streamers from the ceiling and light fixtures. He invited our friends and we celebrated. It was a blast. But I still didn't have my babies. I tried not to think about it and I did pretty good. But it's still there, in the back of my head that I should have had Casey and Jaimie with me. I hate this. I hate how happy occasions turn a little sad because we will never have our babies with us. It just makes me angry. Angry at the world, angry that anyone should have to go through this. Angry angry angry.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what our next steps should be in this whole baby journey. I don't know if I should push for testing and see what's going on or if we should just try again. I don't know who I should contact or what I should ask or how I go about doing anything. I'm lost and alone and want someone to help me through all of this. I want to talk to someone here, in the same city as me, who has gone through something similar. I want to know what they did, what they're experiences were, how they moved forward. I'm just confused and sad. So very sad. I want this sadness to end and I want to be happy. Maybe I need a good cry. I haven't had one of those in at least a week. Bah! What a pathetic life.