Monday, May 30, 2011

Discouraged

I feel like crap. This weekend has been tough and I came out of it feeling worse than I did when I went into it. I feel discouraged. Discouraged with everything. I want a baby so bad. I want to be pregnant and know that everything is okay. But mostly, I want my babies back. It's no fair that other people get to have perfectly fine pregnancies where everything goes well and it's all puppies and rainbows. I want to be innocent and naive again and just think that once you get pregnant, you get your take home baby. I don't want to be this person that has a fear deep down inside of her that it will happen again. I know that pregnancies don't always have happy outcomes. I know that miscarriages do happen and that there is nothing you can do. I just hate that other people can get pregnant and stay pregnant and I can't. I'm discouraged about that.

I'm also discouraged that my apartment is a complete disaster. It needs to be cleaned so badly but when I get home in the evenings I just don't have the motivation or energy to do it. I don't want to do the dishes or clean the bathroom or vacuum up the dust bunnies. I don't want to do the laundry or make a meal plan or go grocery shopping. I don't want to do any of it. And so I don't. But then it discourages me. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm discouraged about my job. The longer I work the more I hate it. I hate having to get up in the mornings and go to an office and sit at a desk and do nothing. I hate that I've been here for nearly two years and it looks like I will be here for another. My plan was to work for a year and then get pregnant. I've never wanted to work. It was just a part time thing to get me through until I had a baby. And each time I got pregnant I thought "Yay, I'm almost out of here!". But no, that wasn't how it worked. Each time I got pregnant I had a miscarriage and so I am stuck in this dead end job that I hate. I want to stay at home and take care of the house and get a puppy and plant a garden and be a housewife. That is all I've ever wanted to do. Why isn't anything going the way I planned? Stupid stupid life.

And lastly, I'm discouraged with myself. I feel like I should be fine. I should have gotten over my losses by now and been able to move on to a normal life. But no, I still have weekly breakdowns and I still cry over what I'm missing. I feel like a failure and an emotional mess and everything else crappy. I can't seem to pick myself up and go on with life. I have a good life. I have good health, an amazing husband, a brand new house, a job that pays me well. All of these things should be enough but they're not. I feel good for a bit and I think I can continue on and then I get knocked down again. And it hurts. It hurts to constantly be falling and not making progress. I hate it all. I know that chances are I will feel a little better tomorrow. Or maybe it will be a hard week and I will feel better next week. I don't know. All I know is that right now I feel discouraged and that's that. I am in a hole of discouragement and I'm stuck.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

June

I am excited for June. June is the month of exciting times. My sister and nephew are coming in June for a visit, I have my doctor's visit on the 16th, and we are moving into our house. Those are the high points of June. I have so much faith that June will be a good month and we will enjoy ourselves and everything will be good. Life won't be as hard in June. I know that this is not true at all and June could turn into a crappy month but for now I have placed June way up there on cloud 3. Not cloud 9 because that is a little too happy. That cloud is reserved for when I get my take home baby. And I will get my take home baby.

I know that I shouldn't be looking forward to June so much. I will probably feel let down when things don't go quite as well as planned. My doctor's appointment may reveal nothing. He may tell me that there is nothing to be done until after three losses and just try again. He may not want to refer me to a specialist. He may just send me on my way. I'm trying to remain optimistic and think that he will help in some way. Even if all he has to do is fill out a referral and I will go somewhere else, I am hoping some good will come from this appointment. It's in less than a month now. I feel like it's been a long time coming. I just want to be told that all the tests and things can be done quickly and we can get results quickly and we can try again. I am sick of waiting. Although really, we would still be waiting no matter what. It hasn't been the recommended three cycles since my D&C yet. But the fact that we most likely still have another three months to wait is a little disheartening sometimes. But that's okay. In those three months we get to move into our very first house! I can't wait.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Jumbled Thoughts

My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts today. Thoughts that I can continue on and life will be normal again and I will eventually be a happy person. And then my thoughts jump to all that I've lost and I feel sorry for myself and wish I could go back in time. Next I think about how we will be moving in 6 weeks and I should really start to make a plan for purging, packing, cleaning, etc. Then I think about how much I love my husband. I'm sick of my job. Good thing spring is on its way. My tummy hurts. It could go on and on. But I will stop. My mind is just full and that's okay.

I want to try and be a happier person. I don't know how to go about doing it but there must be a way. And I will find that way. I know that I will fall and I will have my bad days but I am starting down the right path. I want to learn to find joy in every situation. So maybe that's more like it, I want to be a more joyful person.

I want to share something that a wise man told me this week. I can't remember everything he said but this is the gist of it. He told me that I am grieving the loss of my  babies. It is not something that you get over quickly, it is a process. The grief is there and it is real. Grief is like the ocean. When you first get plunged into it you are in the middle of a storm. The waves are high and overwhelming and you feel like you are drowning. But eventually, the storm quiets and the waves are more gentle. Soon the waves are very small and you begin to feel okay again. But every once in a while a big wave comes and it hits you hard. You don't always know where that wave came from and you can't always explain it but it still comes. And you will go under momentarily again. I really liked this definition. I felt that it described how I was feeling really well. The grief was definitely more intense at the beginning but it has subsided. But once in a while something triggers something and I have a meltdown. Sometimes I know why and other times I just have a "bad" day. There's no way around that. It's a slow process.

I think that is enough of my thoughts for today. My mind is going in circles and I'm having troubles writing what I'm thinking.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Mother's Day

I don't fully know how I feel about this day. It didn't even cross my mind at first but as we get closer and closer to it, I realize that I just want to hide from it all. Skip over it maybe. I love my mom and I love that we have a day to recognize all moms out there. But it hurts because I should be celebrating too. I should have two precious little two month olds at home and I should be on maternity leave. But I don't. I lost Casey and Jaimie and no matter how hard it is to bear, that's the fact of it. Another thing that stings is that I would have been 20 weeks pregnant on Sunday with Dustin. 20 weeks. Wow. That means that it has already been 12 weeks since we said good bye. I can't believe how fast time goes. But at the same time, it's passing so slowly. I don't get to celebrate Mother's Day with my babies or a pregnant belly. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

I am going to skip church on Sunday. I know that I couldn't handle sitting there listening to the speaker talk about moms and watch as the sunday school kids pass out carnations to all of the mothers in the crowd. My heart would break and I would most definitely have a meltdown. Dan still has to go. He is doing special music and has to be there. So I will stay home by myself. I will sleep in and cry and feel sorry for myself. But then I will get out of bed. Dan and I will then spend the afternoon together doing something. Anything. Maybe it will be a sunny day and we can go for a picnic and a walk. I don't know what we will do.

I know that I'm not the only one dreading this day. I'm sure there are many other people out there not looking forward to a day celebrating something that we don't have. My thoughts especially go out to my hospital buddy as I know this day will be hard for her. Many hugs to us and anyone else grieving the loss of a baby. We will get through this day. We are strong.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Feeling Weird

I feel kind of weird today. I don't know what it is but something is up. I am antsy and impatient and my mind is going a mile a minute. I don't want to be a work anymore. I'm hungry. I feel like going for a walk. I have the sudden urge to pack. I want a puppy. I want a baby. I want to be pregnant. I guess really it all comes back to the baby thing. Maybe it's with mothers day coming up or maybe its because deep down all I have ever wanted was to be a mom. I just feel like the days are crawling by and we will be TTA forever. I know, dramatic. It'll only be another couple of months hopefully.

Maybe I should start a new hobby. But what? I just need something to keep my mind off of the fact that we don't have a baby. I want to be happy in my circumstances and not be wishing my whole life away. Its just hard sometimes...