Monday, May 30, 2011

Discouraged

I feel like crap. This weekend has been tough and I came out of it feeling worse than I did when I went into it. I feel discouraged. Discouraged with everything. I want a baby so bad. I want to be pregnant and know that everything is okay. But mostly, I want my babies back. It's no fair that other people get to have perfectly fine pregnancies where everything goes well and it's all puppies and rainbows. I want to be innocent and naive again and just think that once you get pregnant, you get your take home baby. I don't want to be this person that has a fear deep down inside of her that it will happen again. I know that pregnancies don't always have happy outcomes. I know that miscarriages do happen and that there is nothing you can do. I just hate that other people can get pregnant and stay pregnant and I can't. I'm discouraged about that.

I'm also discouraged that my apartment is a complete disaster. It needs to be cleaned so badly but when I get home in the evenings I just don't have the motivation or energy to do it. I don't want to do the dishes or clean the bathroom or vacuum up the dust bunnies. I don't want to do the laundry or make a meal plan or go grocery shopping. I don't want to do any of it. And so I don't. But then it discourages me. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm discouraged about my job. The longer I work the more I hate it. I hate having to get up in the mornings and go to an office and sit at a desk and do nothing. I hate that I've been here for nearly two years and it looks like I will be here for another. My plan was to work for a year and then get pregnant. I've never wanted to work. It was just a part time thing to get me through until I had a baby. And each time I got pregnant I thought "Yay, I'm almost out of here!". But no, that wasn't how it worked. Each time I got pregnant I had a miscarriage and so I am stuck in this dead end job that I hate. I want to stay at home and take care of the house and get a puppy and plant a garden and be a housewife. That is all I've ever wanted to do. Why isn't anything going the way I planned? Stupid stupid life.

And lastly, I'm discouraged with myself. I feel like I should be fine. I should have gotten over my losses by now and been able to move on to a normal life. But no, I still have weekly breakdowns and I still cry over what I'm missing. I feel like a failure and an emotional mess and everything else crappy. I can't seem to pick myself up and go on with life. I have a good life. I have good health, an amazing husband, a brand new house, a job that pays me well. All of these things should be enough but they're not. I feel good for a bit and I think I can continue on and then I get knocked down again. And it hurts. It hurts to constantly be falling and not making progress. I hate it all. I know that chances are I will feel a little better tomorrow. Or maybe it will be a hard week and I will feel better next week. I don't know. All I know is that right now I feel discouraged and that's that. I am in a hole of discouragement and I'm stuck.

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