Thursday, May 12, 2011

Jumbled Thoughts

My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts today. Thoughts that I can continue on and life will be normal again and I will eventually be a happy person. And then my thoughts jump to all that I've lost and I feel sorry for myself and wish I could go back in time. Next I think about how we will be moving in 6 weeks and I should really start to make a plan for purging, packing, cleaning, etc. Then I think about how much I love my husband. I'm sick of my job. Good thing spring is on its way. My tummy hurts. It could go on and on. But I will stop. My mind is just full and that's okay.

I want to try and be a happier person. I don't know how to go about doing it but there must be a way. And I will find that way. I know that I will fall and I will have my bad days but I am starting down the right path. I want to learn to find joy in every situation. So maybe that's more like it, I want to be a more joyful person.

I want to share something that a wise man told me this week. I can't remember everything he said but this is the gist of it. He told me that I am grieving the loss of my  babies. It is not something that you get over quickly, it is a process. The grief is there and it is real. Grief is like the ocean. When you first get plunged into it you are in the middle of a storm. The waves are high and overwhelming and you feel like you are drowning. But eventually, the storm quiets and the waves are more gentle. Soon the waves are very small and you begin to feel okay again. But every once in a while a big wave comes and it hits you hard. You don't always know where that wave came from and you can't always explain it but it still comes. And you will go under momentarily again. I really liked this definition. I felt that it described how I was feeling really well. The grief was definitely more intense at the beginning but it has subsided. But once in a while something triggers something and I have a meltdown. Sometimes I know why and other times I just have a "bad" day. There's no way around that. It's a slow process.

I think that is enough of my thoughts for today. My mind is going in circles and I'm having troubles writing what I'm thinking.

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