Friday, May 6, 2011

Mother's Day

I don't fully know how I feel about this day. It didn't even cross my mind at first but as we get closer and closer to it, I realize that I just want to hide from it all. Skip over it maybe. I love my mom and I love that we have a day to recognize all moms out there. But it hurts because I should be celebrating too. I should have two precious little two month olds at home and I should be on maternity leave. But I don't. I lost Casey and Jaimie and no matter how hard it is to bear, that's the fact of it. Another thing that stings is that I would have been 20 weeks pregnant on Sunday with Dustin. 20 weeks. Wow. That means that it has already been 12 weeks since we said good bye. I can't believe how fast time goes. But at the same time, it's passing so slowly. I don't get to celebrate Mother's Day with my babies or a pregnant belly. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

I am going to skip church on Sunday. I know that I couldn't handle sitting there listening to the speaker talk about moms and watch as the sunday school kids pass out carnations to all of the mothers in the crowd. My heart would break and I would most definitely have a meltdown. Dan still has to go. He is doing special music and has to be there. So I will stay home by myself. I will sleep in and cry and feel sorry for myself. But then I will get out of bed. Dan and I will then spend the afternoon together doing something. Anything. Maybe it will be a sunny day and we can go for a picnic and a walk. I don't know what we will do.

I know that I'm not the only one dreading this day. I'm sure there are many other people out there not looking forward to a day celebrating something that we don't have. My thoughts especially go out to my hospital buddy as I know this day will be hard for her. Many hugs to us and anyone else grieving the loss of a baby. We will get through this day. We are strong.

1 comment:

  1. Dearest Jennie, Mother's Days can be really hard when you are walking the path you are on. One of the things that helped me through was when I realized that it was not only me that felt the pain that day. It was my unmarried sister who didn't get to be a wife or a MOM. It was the the friend who didn't marry until after her child bearing years. It was the family who lost their two school age children to drowning, leaving them with an empty nest.
    What I started to do, and still do, is take holidays like Mother's Day and look around my circle of family and friends and see who needed someone to 'love' them. Then I would invite them for a meal, take a meal to them, sned a loaf of bread, or something along the food line. You know me, I love to eat! What I am saying is I had to learn to move outside my own pain and see it in others. I learned to focus on trying to help others and in doing so my pain and lonliness grew less. I was still childless but it didn't consume me the same way.
    I ache with you and for you.
    Love, Anne Van