Tuesday, June 21, 2011


I have a love hate relationship with Facebook. I love going on there and being able to keep in touch with friends and look at people's pictures but then I hate going on and seeing pregnancy announcements or belly pics or really anything pregnancy related. I know this is wrong of me but it just rubs me the wrong way. These people have every right to be excited and post exciting updates but to me, it's like a punch in the gut. I will never announce on Facebook or post pictures for the public. Maybe I'll make a private album... I don't know. I just know that it really really hurts me and I never want to give others this same hurt. That's just my personal opinion. Although really, today's punch, serves me right. I was snooping and lurking and found out someone was pregnant. It's not like they wrote to me or that it was even on my newsfeed, I just clicked on something which led me to another page which made me find out... you know the story oh too well. And now I feel like I've been knocked off my chair. I've been doing so well this past week with feeling optimistic and positive and looking towards the future but now I feel all down again. I find it really hard when people who got married after me (some significantly after me) are getting pregnant and getting take home babies. It's irrational but it's how I feel. Blah.

On a more positive note though, we get our house in 2 days! I'm trying to keep thinking about this because it makes me happy. To think that this time on Thursday I will be standing in our new house and it will be all ours. No more renting. Our house. :) Here is a pic of us in front of our house that we took back in April when we got the home inspection done.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Appointment with OB/GYN

It went really well and I'm feeling really good about it. He sent me immediately for a basic bloodwork workup to test thyroid and some other things that I can't quite remember. He also requested some chromosomal testing for both me and Dan. He said that it could either be bad luck, something treatable, or something that could be identified but not fixable. I think that he feels it's most likely bad luck but he didn't laugh at me and feels that it's good to do some testing. I should get the results back in a couple of weeks for the basic stuff and it will be a couple of months before the chromosomal test results are back. He gave me a prescription for some infection that can be common but hard to find and he said that the antibiotics wouldn't hurt so he gave them for both of us to take.

He also told me that as soon as I'm pregnant next time, I can call him and he will give me a prescription for progesterone and baby aspirin and we will go from there. All in all, it was good and I feel like we have a plan in place.

Which leads me to this next part. As Dan and I move forward into this next phase, we are going to keep it more private. We don't want people asking all the time about whether we are pregnant or not. We will choose when we will start trying again and we will also choose as to when we will tell people that we are pregnant. Please do not ask us. We will tell you when we are ready to tell you. I know that we are loved and you are concerned and just want to be there for support but we will come to you when we are ready. Please respect our desire for privacy as we continue on this quest for our take home baby.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Rain on my Parade

I feel a little defeated. You see, I'm having a good day. I went to my appointment with my family doctor and she is very nice. It was just a get to know you meeting and we discussed my health. She didn't really say anything amazing but I came home inspired to be a healthier me. I know that with my past two pregnancies, drinking my milk and taking my folic acid and eating flax seed didn't help at all with the outcome. I felt like it was a slap in the face. And so, for the past couple of months I have completely let myself go. When I get depressed I tend not to eat instead of comfort eat. I still have my comfort foods (Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Welch's fruit gummies, and mini eggs) but I tend to not eat well. Today I felt motivated to get myself back into good shape and health. I'm not going to go crazy and eat buttered tofu (don't worry mom) but I plan on trying to improve my eating habits. So I went grocery shopping and I bought good snacks that I can bring to work. For example, cucumbers & tzaziki, celery & peanut butter, yogurt & granola, crackers & cheese, and fruit. I am feeling good about this.

Another thing I wanted to work on was exercise. More like just getting off my butt. I am so out of shape. Not that I've ever been in shape, but today it hit me. I was walking up a slight incline on the way back to my car and called Dan to tell him how my appointment went. By the time I reached the car, Dan asked if I was okay. He said I sounded winded. And I was. Embarrassingly enough, a small hill, a moderate pace, and me talking on the phone completely winded me. It was then that I realized I have to get moving more. So this evening, I decided to go for a walk. Dan was out and I ran out of boxes to pack in. So I grabbed my keys and cellphone and headed out into the cool evening for a walk around the block. Literally 2 minutes down the road and it started raining. Not like a light drizzle that I could continue walking in but a steady heavy rain. I only had a sweater on so I turned back. Now I feel a little discouraged. So much for my motivation. Maybe it will continue over into tomorrow...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Another Miserable Post

I thought that if you don't feel like reading another rant and complaining session from me, you could tell from the title that you should skip over it. I'm in such a flippin' bad mood today, again. I hate my job. I really do. I know that I need to stick with it at least until Dan is back to work and we are used to paying our monthly expenses but I just don't want to anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that I should appreciate this job and the money it pays and how helpful it is to us. But it usually doesn't work. I just want to run away from it. I want to stay at home and be grumpy. And then get stuff done. I'm sick of having to work all day and then go home and have to do all the housework. I can't stay on top of it. I'm not superwoman like other people. Some people thrive off of working, for me it just sucks everything out of me.

I don't know how to deal with this all. I know that I need to just suck it up and go on. Sometimes in life you have to do things you don't want to and this is one of those times. But I don't know how. I feel like each new day just brings me lower. I get more and more discouraged with the passing weeks. My job just seems to loom into eternity, never ending. And I hate it. I hate hate hate hate it. I feel like I'm suffocating here. But I don't know how to make it better.

My counselling went okay. I cried for the entire hour and told her all about Casey, Jaimie, and Dustin. I left feeling a little refreshed. But I don't think I'll go back. I felt like she was a little strange and I'm not sure how comfortable I feel with her. Also, I feel like it's a waste of money to go in and tell someone else my problems and then have her tell me stuff I already know. I know that I am dealing with intense grief and I know that time will heal and I know that I am doing the right thing by acknowledging they existed. I am doing all the right stuff. If I need to get these feelings out then I can blog about them or journal. I don't think I'm harbouring it all. I don't know. Maybe I'm just grumpy today and not thinking straight. But for today, I think counselling is a waste of time.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I hate that it is only Tuesday morning. I still have 4 more days to suffer through. All I want to do is go cry in the bathroom.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


I am in a miserable mood today. This whole yo-yo of emotions is really getting to me. I have a good day, then a bad day, then a good day, then a bad day. It's crazy. I hate being like this. But today I feel like absolute crap. All I want to do is crumple up in a little ball and cry. I hate work, I hate coming to work, I hate sitting at work, I hate it all. I just want to quit. I've almost put in two years, isn't that enough? Why do I need to stay here forever? I want to get away. All I've ever wanted to do was not work here forever. That's what I always say. It's not a lifetime career, it's just for now. Well I want now to be over. OVER! No more of this pouting and dreading each day and putting a fake smile on and pretending like I enjoy my job. I'm sick of being nice to people. I just want to stay at home. FRIG!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Getting Help

I have decided that is is time to see a counsellor. I think I need some help to get out of this place that I'm in. It took me a while to come to terms with that fact that seeking counselling isn't a sign of weakness. For some reason I have always felt that counselling was for those who were weak. I don't know. A part of me was embarrassed to admit that I may need some help. It took me a while to even ask a friend if she knew of any Christian counsellors in the area. And it also took me a while to get up the nerve to make the phone call. But I did. I have an appointment for tomorrow at 6:30pm. to see if I like her and can work with her. I'm really hoping that it goes well and this will help me to start feeling better. I need to heal in some areas of my life. The grief from my miscarriages have triggered some other hidden feelings that have surfaced their ugly faces. I also have a lot of bitterness and jealousy inside that needs to be dealt with before it overtakes me. I am really hoping that this will be a positive thing and will help me down the path of healing. June is starting out well I think.