Saturday, July 23, 2011

Jealousy

Jealousy is a horrible thing. It really eats away at you. I hate being jealous of every pregnant person out there. I am happy for them and I don't know their story so I can't judge, but I'm jealous. I'm jealous that they are pregnant and I am not. I should be 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I hate that I'm not. I hate that my body can't seem to carry a baby past 8 weeks. Why can't it? I'm jealous of cute little baby bumps. I want one. I want to have my baby growing inside of me and I want to be feeling him/her kick. We should be preparing a nursery and getting ready to welcome a new baby into the world. But we're not. And I'm jealous of everyone else who is.

Why is miscarriage such a taboo subject? You barely ever hear of other people going through a miscarriage or having had one. Until you share that you have. And then women feel like they can open up. But for the most part, we suffer in silence. Miscarriages are very common. You are in a minority if you haven't had one. A lucky minority that is.

I feel like my mind is all over the place tonight. The next thing I would like to say is, I LOVE CHARTING MY CYCLE! It's weird but it makes me feel like I'm in more control and understand what's going on inside of me. I like knowing when my period is arriving and when I'm ovulating. It just makes me feel smart. I love to stare at my chart and see how my temps rise. I know it's dumb and really it can't really tell me much. Well the chart as a whole does but I'm addicted to staring at it on a daily basis. I'm so glad that I got into charting.

Alright. My mind is fried. I'm blaming it on this heat. I feel like my entire body is melting. Yuck!

1 comment:

  1. I seriously could have written this post. It sounds, like ME. I totally get it. I'm very jealous when I see people blissfully pregnant with not a care in the world, and I hate that people don't talk more about miscarriage. We need to talk about it to get resources. I also love charting. I took a break for a while, after my most recent loss, but I'm getting back into it this cycle. I love knowing what my body is doing! When I explained charting to someone just the other day, I said exactly what you did. It makes me feel more in control. :)

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