Friday, August 19, 2011

August 19th - Day of Hope

Today is a day to talk about miscarriages, stillbirth, and infant/child loss. Please see the paragraph below that I copied and pasted from their Facebook page.

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

This is so important. So many women suffer in silence because it is just something not talked about. It makes people uncomfortable, it is too sad, it hurts too much, etc. There are many reasons why people don't talk about loss. But today is the day to speak out.

I am speaking out. I put up a picture as my profile picture on Facebook and wrote in my status that today I remember my babies that were lost. My name is Jenn, and I have had two miscarriages. I have lost three babies in the short span of 6 months. Today, I recognize that them. I miss them. I want to have my Casey, Jaimie, and Dustin back with me.

Have you experienced pregnancy, infancy, and child loss? Will you speak out?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Feeling Optimistic Today

Today I am actually feeling relatively normal. Wait, let me reword that. This afternoon I am actually feeling relatively normal. Some of you already know but others may not, but I've been sick for over 3 weeks now. It's just an upset stomach, feeling nauseous, overall crappy kind of feeling. Oh, and add in some pain in my lower ribcage and you've got one happy camper. I was pretty sure I was dying. Not quite, but I complained a lot. After a week of feeling like this, I went to the doctor. Not my doctor because she was on vacation but the extended hours doctor. He thought it might be GERD. So he told me to take Zantac and see if it helped. Well, it helped with the ribcage pain but I still feel nauseous and crappy. So yesterday I went to see my doctor and she thinks it's some virus that I caught. She gave me a stronger antacid and sent me for bloodwork. I have a follow up in 2 weeks. Hopefully we can get this under control and I can go back to being healthy little me. Wow, that was quite the intro. All this to say that this afternoon I feel normal(ish). Maybe its the meds or maybe I'm on the mend. We'll see.

I'm also feeling optimistic about life in general. Yes, Dan and I would like kids. And yes, some days that feeling is overwhelming, but today it's not. Today I am content with our situation in life. We have a beautiful house and a beautiful dog, we both have good jobs, and we are saving up some money. We have each other and right now, that's all I really need. Having a baby would be great but it would also throw a lot of change into our little lifestyle we have built. And I will take the change anyday. But for now I am enjoying this stage. This stage that we have as a couple, being able to have date nights and hang out together just the two of us. We can work on budgeting and getting used to owning a house and the expenses that come with it. We can do some projects that we have lined up. We can go on fun vacations together. We are just a couple and that is good. Couples are good. We are our own little family. You don't need kids to make a family. There is Dan, me, and Mia. We are our own little family. And we can be a blessing to others. We can use our gift of hospitality and open up our house and invite others in. August has been a crazy month for company and it will continue to be so until the end. Basically every weekend has been and will be filled up with people coming and staying at our house. While it's exhausting and it's nice to have our house to ourselves again, it's rewarding having people there. I thrive off of people.

Maybe it's the fact that summer is coming to a close and the school year is starting up and this is the time of year that I always feel motivated. I feel like it's a new start as we get back into the grind of things. New things are happening. I am taking two online courses towards my accounting certificate. Once these two are done I will only have three more to go! Hopefully by the end of next summer I will be done. I'm excited for these. I know that once the first few weeks are over I will begin to dread these courses because that's the way it always is. But a benefit of completing this certificate is that in the future, when we have kids and I will be a stay-at-home mom, I can use these skills to bring in some extra income. I could do payroll for some smaller companies. Just a few hours a week can bring in a bit of extra cash. That is something happy to think about. Because since today I am being optimistic, I say when we have kids, not if. We will have kids.

This weekend I plan on buying five dozen corn and freezing them. I need to build up my freezer supply again. I almost cried this spring when we ate our last bag of corn. I love corn. I could live off of corn. So, even though it is a lot of work, I plan on freezing five dozen again. To me, it is worth it. I'm also going to try and freeze some other vegetables. I have zucchini already in the freezer and some beans. I need to do more of both. I want to get broccoli and beets frozen as well. The fruits won't be as much this year. We didn't go strawberry or raspberry picking so we will have to make do with the leftovers from last year. I did freeze some peaches though. Maybe I should get more...

Alright. This post has become ridiculously long. I just feel happy and content and wanted to get it all out. Hopefully you didn't get too bored while reading...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 3

I've had a couple of people mention that I haven't been really keeping up with my 30 day blog challenge so I apologize to them and here goes. I've just been busy. Sorry.

Day 3-Your first love
My first love was and is Dan. I dated one other person before Dan but I know that I didn't actually love him. We were in high school and it was just the cool thing to do. I liked him a lot but it just wasn't love. So when I met Dan, I fell head over heels in love with him. He was kind, funny, good looking, respectful, honest, hardworking, loving, trustworthy, caring, and so many more wonderful attributes. He was just plain amazing. But, I admit, I wasn't fast to give my love away. I didn't want to be that person who told someone they loved them but didn't really mean it. I wanted to be sure before I said those three little words. Dan told me he loved me within a week of dating. I may have freaked just a little bit. I told him that I would prefer he didn't tell me he loved me yet because I didn't believe that he could have known so quickly. And it made me uncomfortable because I never knew what to say in return. I wasn't ready to say "I love you".

I think it may have been 8 months into our relationship before I actually told Dan I loved him. I'm pretty sure that I loved him before I actually said it but I was young and scared and didn't admit it to myself. One night in October Dan was dropping me off at my apartment for the night and as he was leaving said, "I love you Jennie". And I said "I love you too". It was a pretty great feeling. Later Dan told me that he had never been that happy. He pretty much floated out of there and was in pure bliss. After that we got pretty good at telling each other "I love you". 

And for your viewing pleasure, here is one of my favourite pictures of Dan. The one and only man I love. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

One year ago today...

I was blissfully unaware that my world was about to turn upside down. I had my 9 week ultrasound to check on the development of Casey and Jaimie and see what was going on. I was so naive and innocent that it never even crossed my mind that something was wrong. I should have known. I should have known as soon as the image came up on the screen. But I didn't. I didn't worry that I couldn't actually make out the blobs and I didn't worry when the tech didn't say one word to me. I also didn't worry when she just said she was done and sent me on my way without showing me any heartbeats. I just didn't worry. I thought for sure everything would be fine. At the very least, Jaimie may have passed but definitely not Casey. Casey had a healthy heartbeat at 7 weeks, why would it stop beating? Oh to go back to those days of thinking that getting pregnant was easy and staying pregnant was easier. Never did it cross my mind that I would have a miscarriage, let alone multiple miscarriages. I figured if any problems came our way, it would be in the getting pregnant stage. I worried that it would take a while. I always said, "what if we can't get pregnant?". I never thought, "what if I can't stay pregnant?".

At least the weather matches my mood. It's dark and gloomy outside and that is how I'm feeling. I don't know how to cheer up. I'm just so depressed and sad that I lost my babies and that it's already been a year and I'm still not pregnant. I feel like everyone else around here is. Out of all the couples who go to our church there are only 2 others who aren't pregnant. But they are both younger than me and not planning on having kids for a while. Everyone else is pregnant or has kids. We are just the loners left behind in this stage of life. The childless stage. I know I shouldn't be so dramatic and in the grand scheme of things a year isn't that long but right now I just feel sad.