Tuesday, August 9, 2011

One year ago today...

I was blissfully unaware that my world was about to turn upside down. I had my 9 week ultrasound to check on the development of Casey and Jaimie and see what was going on. I was so naive and innocent that it never even crossed my mind that something was wrong. I should have known. I should have known as soon as the image came up on the screen. But I didn't. I didn't worry that I couldn't actually make out the blobs and I didn't worry when the tech didn't say one word to me. I also didn't worry when she just said she was done and sent me on my way without showing me any heartbeats. I just didn't worry. I thought for sure everything would be fine. At the very least, Jaimie may have passed but definitely not Casey. Casey had a healthy heartbeat at 7 weeks, why would it stop beating? Oh to go back to those days of thinking that getting pregnant was easy and staying pregnant was easier. Never did it cross my mind that I would have a miscarriage, let alone multiple miscarriages. I figured if any problems came our way, it would be in the getting pregnant stage. I worried that it would take a while. I always said, "what if we can't get pregnant?". I never thought, "what if I can't stay pregnant?".

At least the weather matches my mood. It's dark and gloomy outside and that is how I'm feeling. I don't know how to cheer up. I'm just so depressed and sad that I lost my babies and that it's already been a year and I'm still not pregnant. I feel like everyone else around here is. Out of all the couples who go to our church there are only 2 others who aren't pregnant. But they are both younger than me and not planning on having kids for a while. Everyone else is pregnant or has kids. We are just the loners left behind in this stage of life. The childless stage. I know I shouldn't be so dramatic and in the grand scheme of things a year isn't that long but right now I just feel sad.

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