Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Today

Today, I feel almost a tiny bit close to maybe normal. That's a stretch. But, I am feeling a little bit okay today. I have eaten more today than I have in a while. And I even ate supper! Wow. Like a meal. I ate rice with chicken, carrots, and green beans. Yum! And it was yummy!!! I probably could have eaten a bunch more but I thought I would start with a small amount and see how that settled. My tummy feels a little funny but not too bad. Yet. So, hopefully all will be okay and I'll still feel sort of good tomorrow too. We shall see.

I'm also feeling a little bit better emotionally. Just a little bit. I'm still depressed about being sick but I'm trying to think positive. My mom told me that it isn't healthy to dwell on the crappy things and try and think of good things. So I'm trying. Here is my list of good things from today.
  • I didn't feel too too sick
  • I went for a short walk
  • Dan brought me beautiful flowers at work
  • I ate a tasty supper
  • There is a beautiful fall rain outside and it sounds delightful
  • My diamond ring is sparkly
  • I did my homework and it didn't take me that long
  • It's Wednesday which means the week is more than half over
There, I think that's a decent sized list. I'm in a happy mood and I will now go off and work on my Christmas presents. Have a good evening to anyone who may be reading!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Sickness

I don't think that I will ever take good health for granted again. When you feel good, you just feel normal and go on with your day and never have a second thought about how good you really feel. It isn't until you are sick that you realize how fortunate you were to have felt good for so long. I feel like crap. There is no other way of describing it. I feel like every part of me is falling apart. My head hurts every day, my eyes hurt, my throat hurts, my tummy hurts, my arms and legs hurt, my ribcage hurts... everything hurts. I have this heavy feeling about me that makes me feel like my head is too big for my body. I have hot flashes and then chills, I'm lightheaded. And yet, the doctors can't find anything wrong with me. My bloodwork comes back normal, my blood pressure is normal, I have no fever, everything looks good. But really, I'm not dumb. Something is wrong with me. I'm not making up this dreadful sickness that has overcome me. I have no energy to do anything and all I ever want to do is sleep. I am sick.

I'm also discouraged. Being sick for so long and not knowing why and with no end in sight, is discouraging. I've quit thinking that maybe one day I'll feel better. I feel like I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I just wish that someone could do something to make me feel better. I want to be able to eat a normal meal and go on a date with my husband. I want to be able to make plans and then carry through with them. I want to feel like me again. But instead I just get thinner and thinner and sicker and sicker and sadder and sadder.

I don't know if I should take a leave of absence from work or if I should stick it out. I don't know if I should cancel all my plans or continue to make them and hope I feel okay. I don't know if I should be begging my doctor to do more tests or if I should just wait patiently to see the specialist. I just don't know anymore. I feel so small and so weak. Like I'm fading away into nothing, slowly and painfully.

Monday, September 26, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 4

Well, like I've said before, I suck at this blog challenge. Good thing I'm not even trying to do this on a daily basis. I would have failed a million times by  now. Oh well. It keeps you on your toes right?

Day 4-Your parents


Here are my beautiful parents. Fran and Sue. I love them to pieces and couldn't have asked for anyone better to raise me. They are unique. There is a 23 year age gap between the two of them which has always been surprise to everyone I meet. Whenever I tell someone how old my dad is they say, "he is how old???". I don't mind. He retired before I was born so he was always around when I was growing up. Dad was always in the picture and would come home for lunch everyday. No absent father here. He worked hard on our little hobby farm. He was always out cutting wood, fixing fences, helping neighbours, haying, etc. A work-a-holic you would call him. My friends were always amazed and how strong and fit he was for such an "old man". I have always been proud of my dad. In 2006, at the age of 77, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Syndrome. Since then his health has steadily declined. He seems old now. He has trouble walking, he shakes, he loses his balance constantly, he needs help with basically everything, and he's starting to forget. But he will always be my hero. In my mind, he will always be strong, always be funny, and always be my daddy.

My mom. My mom is also my hero. I love how over the years my relationship has changed with her. When I was little, she was just the amazing mom who knew everything. She could do no wrong in my mind. When I was a teenager, she was still sort of cool but mostly just annoying. I realized then that she was actually human and made mistakes and wasn't always perfect. And then, once I got a little older, especially after moving out and getting married, I realized how strong of a woman she really is. She raised five amazing children. She lived on a farm and lived from the land. We always had a huge garden, chickens, cows, full freezers, jars of homemade preserves and pickles, tons of company, and a house full of laughter. The doors were always open at our house and we were always entertaining. Mom knows how to run an efficient household. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

My parents are great. They make mistakes and they fail sometimes but so does everyone. They have raised me well and I feel proud to call them my parents. I love them so much and feel so blessed to be able to call them mom and dad.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hurt Feelings

I'm feeling slightly hurt today. Someone did something that just rubbed me the wrong way. I like to think it wasn't intentional but really, I don't know. I also may be overreacting and it's nothing but today I feel hurt by it. I wasn't invited to something that I should have been invited to. This may be confusing because I'm trying to avoid names but I just need to get it out. If you don't understand, it's not the end of the world.

Something happened this weekend that I should have been invited to. Yes, there may have been a bit of confusion on whether I was around or not but a phone call or a Facebook message could have clarified that. I don't think that would have been too much to ask. But instead, I sat at home all alone all weekend with no invite. And got to look at pictures of said event on Facebook later. Oh well. I'm not too heartbroken that I missed it, I'm more just mad that I wasn't even invited. Dang it! I deserved an invite! Argh.

I know that everything goes two ways and I shouldn't be mad and it probably wasn't planned but... I just want to be mean back. I know you aren't supposed to return "insult for insult" but sometimes, I just want to lash out and tell these people what I'm really thinking. This past year has been hard and this past year has sucked and I just want to be bitter and mean. But I can't. I know that. I have to deal with this and forgive. But forgiveness is hard to give when I don't want to give it. I think that I really need to work on this. There are a couple people that come to mind that I don't want to forgive. I want to harbour my angry feelings towards them. In some weird way it makes me feel better. Okay, end of vent.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Mish Mash

Sorry to all my faithful followers who have been lacking in updates. I kind of suck at this whole blogging thing, if you hadn't noticed. Oh well. It's more for me than you, so I hope you aren't too disappointed. :P

I'm still sick and feeling more and more discouraged with each passing day. I feel like it's never going to end and I'll just be sick forever. I'm still losing weight and still feeling like crap 98% of the time. It just overall sucks. So that has been getting me down. And I just feel like whenever I write, it's always about the same thing. I'm sick, my life is still good, and I'm not pregnant. That's about it. I never really have anything good to write about. Whenever I start to feel better and think that maybe life can go back to normal, I have another set back. There is no point in feeling motivated and wanting to do anything productive. I have no energy and can't really get anything done around the house. Consequently, my house is a disaster. I finally broke down and vacuumed tonight, it had been over 3 weeks. The floor still needs to be mopped but vacuuming took up all my energy for the night. Now I just feel like curling up in front of a movie. But, I have a to do list for this weekend and I at least want to make a good dent in it. Dan bought me some big rubbermaid containers so that I could get started on sorting out the storage room. I kept saying that I would do it once we had some containers but now that we have containers... I don't really feel like doing it. Maybe tomorrow...

Something crazy that I have volunteered to do this year is host Thanksgiving dinner for Dan's side of the family. There will be 10 of us for dinner. While that's not a huge number, it's definitely bigger than my normal two. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start by planning a menu and figuring out a schedule. We also need to pick up some more folding chairs and get a bigger table. And some more dishes... Maybe I shouldn't have volunteered for this. But it will be fun. And I think it's important for family to get together and celebrate holidays together. I'm all about family and traditions. I think that I might also start planning some decorations and how I will make my house look pretty. Some of the people coming have never seen our house and some haven't seen it since moving day. I want it to look nice for them. I won't go all out our anything. Maybe just some decorations for the table and a pot of mums for the counter. I plan on going cheap. I'm really into DIY things and cheap projects lately. It's great fun. I'm making all my own Christmas gifts this year and I'm having lots of fun coming up with ideas and shopping and working on them. I'm already half way done my moms gift and just about done my two nieces gifts. It's quite exciting. I know it's only September but I wanted to get started on them early so that I'm not rushed near the end. And it keeps me busy while I'm feeling dreadful all the time.


Now that I've written a nice little bit, I'm going to go and do something more productive with my time. Like eat supper, do the dishes, and get started on that storage room! (Or I may just end up watching a movie)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

September has Arrived

It's here. September. This was supposed to be a happy month. A month of new beginnings, of new life, of change. This was the month that Dustin was supposed to arrive. We should be welcoming a baby into our world in just a few short weeks. But we're not. Because that is how life is. These are the cards we were dealt and this is how the game is being played. And that is okay. I'm trying not to dwell on the what should have beens and think more of what is going on now. But it's hard. I want my babies back.

But, I am determined to make the best of it. I have been feeling half decent this week. Last week was bad health wise and I stayed home from work for a couple of days. But this week is good. I have cut out gluten and even though that may not be why I'm feeling better, I'm going to stick with it for a little bit. I will be starting my two online courses next week and that will be something to keep me busy and occupied. I'm also thinking about starting up some form of exercise. I know that I usually lose motivation really quickly and I don't last very long at whatever new thing I have decided to do, but hey, why not start something. I don't know what yet though. I'll have to think about it. I keep coming back to kickboxing but I think I need to build up my fitness level first. I just keep joking about how if a certain someone gets pregnant with their second baby before I am with my first, I'm going to need some serious therapy and anger management. I may as well get a head start seeing as the chances of that happening keep going up with each passing day.

Something else that I have decided to do is take a step back from The Bump. Even though I love the online forums and I have made some good friendships, I need to step back and focus on myself, Dan, and our life. It gets me down going on there and seeing all the people getting pregnant and moving on or at least be able to try and get pregnant. I just get jealous that we're not really close to that point. I just need to step away from all the pregnant people. There are so many people now who are either pregnant of have babies or are trying to have babies. And then there are us. The loners with no kids. Boo.

But no, I am trying to be positive and focus on the bright side of things. We have a busy month coming up. We have something going on every weekend. I don't know how we keep doing this to ourselves. We just get so booked up so far in advance and then we run around like crazy. We need to cut back. But I don't know how. It just happens.

Onto another happy note. I am going dress shopping. I'm not too sure when exactly but I am going to go out and find myself a stunningly beautiful new dress that I will look fabulous in. Because I am embracing the fact that I am young and beautiful and thin. If I can't be pregnant, I will look dang good in a new dress!

Alright, enough of the ranting and randomness. I need to blog more often so that these posts are more spread out and less overwhelming. I just don't always have time. Oh well. No one really reads this thing anyways. It's more for my peace of mind and venting. And in case you actually are reading my blog, here is a yummy cupcake for your viewing pleasure!