Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Sickness

I don't think that I will ever take good health for granted again. When you feel good, you just feel normal and go on with your day and never have a second thought about how good you really feel. It isn't until you are sick that you realize how fortunate you were to have felt good for so long. I feel like crap. There is no other way of describing it. I feel like every part of me is falling apart. My head hurts every day, my eyes hurt, my throat hurts, my tummy hurts, my arms and legs hurt, my ribcage hurts... everything hurts. I have this heavy feeling about me that makes me feel like my head is too big for my body. I have hot flashes and then chills, I'm lightheaded. And yet, the doctors can't find anything wrong with me. My bloodwork comes back normal, my blood pressure is normal, I have no fever, everything looks good. But really, I'm not dumb. Something is wrong with me. I'm not making up this dreadful sickness that has overcome me. I have no energy to do anything and all I ever want to do is sleep. I am sick.

I'm also discouraged. Being sick for so long and not knowing why and with no end in sight, is discouraging. I've quit thinking that maybe one day I'll feel better. I feel like I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I just wish that someone could do something to make me feel better. I want to be able to eat a normal meal and go on a date with my husband. I want to be able to make plans and then carry through with them. I want to feel like me again. But instead I just get thinner and thinner and sicker and sicker and sadder and sadder.

I don't know if I should take a leave of absence from work or if I should stick it out. I don't know if I should cancel all my plans or continue to make them and hope I feel okay. I don't know if I should be begging my doctor to do more tests or if I should just wait patiently to see the specialist. I just don't know anymore. I feel so small and so weak. Like I'm fading away into nothing, slowly and painfully.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Jenn. You must be beyond frustrated. Sending lots of T&Ps. xo

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