Monday, October 31, 2011

Good bye October

Another month has passed us by and we are that much closer to the new year. In two months it will be 2012. I'm actually kind of looking forward to a new year with new beginnings. I'm really hoping that I will be feeling better come January and we can get back to our normal life of doing normal things. Two months should  be enough  time for me to feel better right? I'm really really hoping so.

2011 was supposed to be a happy year of babies. Twice over it should have been But alas, it wasn't. No babies for us. Oh well. Maybe 2012 will be luckier. I doubt it but hey, I can wish right?

Friday, October 28, 2011

Life is Not Fair

And I need to learn to accept that. No matter how many times I tell myself this and I know it's true, I still kind of hold out hope that it will be one day. That maybe I was wrong in my assumption and that life is fair after all. But it's not. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and sometimes bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. That's just the way it is. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm not pregnant when it feels like everyone else in the world is. I swear some sort of baby epidemic is going around. But I'm not pregnant. And I won't be for a while yet. And even if I do get pregnant, I might not stay pregnant. That's just the way these things work.

I'm sitting at work stuffing my face with chocolate coins. I'm feeling sorry for myself and wishing that I too could go home early like my coworker. But no, I get to sit here for another hour and a half doing absolutely nothing. It's a Friday afternoon and it's slow. So, to make up for my sad lonely deserted feelings, I'm eating chocolate. I'll probably feel sick later because of it but for now, yummy!

Why is it that it always seems other people have it easier than us? The grass is always greener on the other side. It always seems like other people have better jobs, more money, bigger houses, nicer stuff, nicer car, pregnant bellies, kids, a better relationship, prettier hair, nicer clothes. The list can go on and on and I can just keep adding to it. Why aren't I prettier? Why does my hair never cooperate? Why can't I have a designers eye? Why can't my house stay cleaner? Why me? No matter how good you have it, you always want more. I have a great life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, a beautiful house which is ours, a cute puppy who adores me, a good paying job, a car, friends, family.... but yet I want more. I want kids. I want to be pregnant. I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I want the greener grass.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


What makes you independent? That is my question of the day. I don't feel very independent. I feel like I always have someone around and I always have someone to lean on. I don't ever do anything by myself, I never go on adventures by myself or do anything brave. I've never lived alone or been alone. Sometimes all of these things make me feel weak and pathetic. Poor pathetic Jenn who can't even do something by herself. I don't feel independent. At all. But, as my husband lovingly pointed out, it doesn't make me weak and pathetic. It means that I need someone, that I need him. And there is nothing wrong with doing things with someone else. We are married and we go through life together. Yes, things will come up where we will have to learn to be independent and do something by ourselves but for the most part, we are together. And that is okay. And really, I think doing things by yourself is overrated. I'm sure it gets lonely sometimes. And I hate being lonely.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Little Things Make Me Happy

It's the little things in life that make it better. I know that sometimes those little things seem a bit ridiculous and I probably shouldn't get as much pleasure out of them that I do, but hey, who cares right? As long as they make me happy. I am now going to put together a small list of the the little things.

- The fact that my washing machine and dryer sing a little tune once the cycle is done
- The two garbage bags full of giveaway and garbage that I have pulled out of my closet
- The lady at church who told me she is praying for me at least once a week and knows my desire to have children
- Winning a prize from a radio contest
- My cozy slippers that keep my feet warm
- The fact that Mia sleeps all night long
- The sunshine
- My  new house plants, especially my colourful new cactus plants

I think that's it for my little things list. There are plenty of other little things that I love but for now I will just end it there.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Down in the dumps

I'm feeling down today. I saw yet another pregnancy announcement on Facebook this morning and it felt like yet another punch in the gut. I seriously feel like everyone else is pregnant but me. I'm the only one left who seems incapable of reproducing. I feel like it comes so easily to everyone else. They try to get pregnant, they get pregnant, they post an ultrasound picture on facebook, and then voila, 9 months later out pops a healthy baby! I know this isn't true and for all I know they could have experienced a miscarriage before this and also that things still go wrong past the 1st trimester. But, I just feel like everyone else can do it better. And that I'm left behind in the dust, watching everyone with their cute little babies go on into the next step of life while I wait back here. I know I know, I'm being dramatic. I'm young and I still have plenty of time to try for more babies. And chances are, we'll succeed. But today I feel like crap and I will complain and vent and be selfish and pitiful all I want. I started this blog as a place for me to come and write out my feelings. So I'm not going to apologize for what I'm writing. And please don't judge me. I know I'm not the only one going through something hard and that there are far worse things in life than seeing other people have babies. But today, for me, it feels slightly like the end of the world.

I kind of want to put "Anyone out there not pregnant?" as my Facebook status and see who else is part of my club. But then I'd have to be more specific and say "Anyone out there married but not pregnant and not have any kids?" and if I did that I would just sound mean and I would get a lot of comments back I'm sure. But I really need to feel some support. Basically every couple at our church has kids or are pregnant. There are 3 couples left. One of them just got married like a month ago so they don't really count. And the other couple have been married for 3 years but got married really young and seem kind of immature. Like they really aren't even wanting to be at the children stage yet. So really, we are loners. The loners who own a house which means we should be filling it with children. I mean come on, that's the reason why we bought a house right? Why else would you need all that space? Look at that extra room that could be so easily transformed into a nursery? Hint hint. If only those people knew what I was really thinking about them when they make those comments. But they don't and I will never say them. And life will go on.

Boo for today's dreary weather and down-in-the-dumps kind of feeling. At least I got paid today.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Mixed Feelings

Yesterday my good friend had her baby. A baby boy. While I am so happy for them I also have some feelings of sadness and jealousy mixed in there. This was my friend who was two weeks behind me. The friend who thought it would be so much fun to "be pregnant together". The friend who probably would have stayed a close friend if I had remained pregnant. But no, life doesn't go like that. I had a miscarriage and I lost Dustin while she continued on in her pregnancy. I wouldn't really want it any other way. I wouldn't have wanted her to have a miscarriage or have complications or anything like that. But, I do find it hard that I had to have another miscarriage and go through all that pain all over again while everything was fine for her. Why is life like that? Why can it come so easily to some and not to others? Why? I should be home with a baby right now. I should be presenting Dan a beautiful daughter or son. We should be showing people pictures of our beautiful child and have people tell us how proud Dan looks or how happy I am. We should be going through all of these happy things too. But we aren't. We aren't because we were the 1 in 4 who experience pregnancy loss. We got to be that one twice though. It's just so frustrating. And it makes me angry. I'm angry today. Angry that my babies died, angry that everyone else is having babies and I'm not, angry that I'm still sick, angry that this isn't coming easy to me, and then angry that I'm angry. I should be happy for everything else that I have, for all the good things. I shouldn't be so selfish. Life is hard and things don't always come easily. And some people have it way worse then me. We haven't been trying that long in the grand scheme of things. I was able to get pregnant easily both times. All my tests have come back normal so far. Really, it was probably just bad luck and my next pregnancy could go fine. But my biggest fear is that it won't. That this will happen again. And that I won't be able to handle it.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 5

Day 5-Your siblings

I have a lot of them. Four to be exact. Three sisters and one brother. I love them all so much and probably won't do them justice in my blog post. I can't really go on and on all day about each one, right? Well, I'll do my best to sum them each up in a shortish paragraph.

Stacey - She is the eldest, the top dog, the firstborn. She paved the way for us younger ones and made our road a little easier. We have very different views of our childhood as she came along 10 years before me. As I get older, I realize that we are the most similar out of all of my siblings. Although she is a tad bit more organized and ambitious than me. She is constantly on the go, running around all the time. She is a chef and married to Eric, also a chef. They make great food. :) They have four children aged 12, 7, 5, and 3. And I need to add that these are by far the cutest children you will ever meet. Just sayin'. Stacey is actually back in school full time taking Business - Accounting. I think. I can't actually remember what the official name of the program is. But she is smart. I just wish we lived closer together.

Jackie - She is the crazy sister who will always put a smile on your face. She always knows the right thing to make you laugh. She also does super adventurous things like travel around Europe, teach elementary school kids, move to Korea for two years to teach English, go bungee jumping, plays guitar, etc. She's wicked cool. She is married to Kevin, another cool person. He plays in a band and writes poetry. They live in Seattle and we are hoping that sometime next year we will make it out to visit them in their super cool city.

Mike - The middle child and only boy. The favourite brother of all. He is kind of a hippy. He travels around, works odd jobs, goes tree planting, has long crazy hair and a scruffy beard, and wears sandals no matter what time of the year it is. He is super cool though. Everyone who meets him thinks so. He married an equally cool person 2 years ago, Tara. They are such the perfect fit. They complement each other perfectly.

Cora - She was/is my best friend. We're only 2 years apart to we are close. We grew up playing Barbies together. We shared a room and were always together. We were the "little sisters". She is a dietician and I am constantly calling her for food advice. Another fabulous thing about her is her ability to dance. Boy can she dance. I'm slightly jealous but I'll get over it as I will never be as good as her at dancing. Swing dancing is her specialty but I do believe she is getting into some other dancing as well. I love watching her dance. She also is really good at visiting me, her faraway little sister. Even though she hates the 7 hour drive she still comes out quite regularly to see us. I think she is the only one of my family who saw all three places that we have lived in.

Well, that about sums them up. I consider myself very lucky to have such wonderful older siblings and to have grown up in such a great environment. Each one has affected me and helped shape me into who I am today. I love it when we all get together in all of our craziness and wish it could happen more often. I love you all.

I chose this picture because it makes me smile. It just shows us, in all of our glory. :)