Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Mixed Feelings

Yesterday my good friend had her baby. A baby boy. While I am so happy for them I also have some feelings of sadness and jealousy mixed in there. This was my friend who was two weeks behind me. The friend who thought it would be so much fun to "be pregnant together". The friend who probably would have stayed a close friend if I had remained pregnant. But no, life doesn't go like that. I had a miscarriage and I lost Dustin while she continued on in her pregnancy. I wouldn't really want it any other way. I wouldn't have wanted her to have a miscarriage or have complications or anything like that. But, I do find it hard that I had to have another miscarriage and go through all that pain all over again while everything was fine for her. Why is life like that? Why can it come so easily to some and not to others? Why? I should be home with a baby right now. I should be presenting Dan a beautiful daughter or son. We should be showing people pictures of our beautiful child and have people tell us how proud Dan looks or how happy I am. We should be going through all of these happy things too. But we aren't. We aren't because we were the 1 in 4 who experience pregnancy loss. We got to be that one twice though. It's just so frustrating. And it makes me angry. I'm angry today. Angry that my babies died, angry that everyone else is having babies and I'm not, angry that I'm still sick, angry that this isn't coming easy to me, and then angry that I'm angry. I should be happy for everything else that I have, for all the good things. I shouldn't be so selfish. Life is hard and things don't always come easily. And some people have it way worse then me. We haven't been trying that long in the grand scheme of things. I was able to get pregnant easily both times. All my tests have come back normal so far. Really, it was probably just bad luck and my next pregnancy could go fine. But my biggest fear is that it won't. That this will happen again. And that I won't be able to handle it.

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