Monday, November 28, 2011

Who are my readers?

Alright, I'm curious. Who still reads my blog? And for those of you who are following my blog that have some random screen name that I don't at all recognize, would you mind telling me who you are? You can just tell me if you know from the Bump or in real life or whatever. It doesn't have to be detailed. I just want to know who my followers are. Because I'm nosey and it bugs me not knowing. :P

Just leave a comment to this post. That way I will also discover who still reads my blog. Thanks!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Adoption

I have been thinking more and more about adoption lately. I tossed around the idea after our first loss, thinking I couldn't go through that pain again and maybe we should look into adoption. But we decided to try again. Another loss. Adoption came back near the front of my thoughts. Time passed and I said we would try one more time before seriously looking into adoption. Maybe it's because I'm feeling hopeless about actually carrying a baby to term but for whatever reason, I have started researching adoption. I figure it wouldn't hurt to know more about it and maybe after doing more research we'd realize it's not for us. So far, I have found a couple helpful sites. I now know the different types of adoption and their approximate costs. I definitely think it is something that Dan and I will need to discuss in detail and come to a decision on our own and I am perfectly aware that this could take quite a while. We have decided that we will try to have a baby on our own at least one more time. If it ends in another miscarriage, then we will reconvene and discuss adoption more seriously.

Any thoughts on adoption? Have you every considered it? Have any of you adopted? I would love to hear some feedback. I am feeling a little overwhelmed by it all right now and we haven't even made and decisions.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Weight Gain

I am trying to gain weight. I know that as most people read that sentence they are thinking these thoughts: "I could give you 10 pounds", "I'm jealous you're so skinny", "I wish I had to worry about gaining weight", etc etc. You get the picture. But before you have those thoughts, I need you to realize something. Being skinny isn't always that great. I have always been thin and I'm used to the many comments I get from people about how great it would be as thin as me. But, it's hard. It's hard because when I get sick, I lose weight fast. When I lose weight, I become very underweight, and I struggle to gain it back. Over the course of 2 months I lost 10 pounds and it has taken me 2 months to gain back 3. I am just starting to gain back some of my energy and look a little more human and a little less skeletal. So don't judge me for being skinny. Try and understand that it can be hard and unhealthy.

Now that I've got that out of the way, let's talk about my weight gain. So as I said, I have gained 3 pounds. I'm now up to a glorious 109 pounds. Wow! Pretty soon I'll be at the 110 mark and then I'm sure the weight will just keep coming. Hopefully. I'm trying really hard to eat more and I've even started tracking my calorie intake. In all honesty, I know I don't eat enough. It's hard though. I've always been big no small meals and lots of snacks but my stomach has also shrunk over the summer. So I may have to start small and work my way up to my goal. I've signed up for myfitnesspal.com and so far I'm enjoying it. It's usually for people trying to lose weight but I'm using it in the opposite way. It's working fine so far.

So there's my weight gain progress. I want to make it back to my pre-sickness weight of 116 but ideally I would love to hit the 120 pound mark. Wish me luck! And I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Loss

Loss is a terrible thing. I hate that anyone has to go through the pain of losing a baby, no matter how far along you are. Once you see those two pink lines, you love that baby and you dream for that baby. And when you lose it, you must grieve. Another friend of mine just experienced a loss at 11.5 weeks. It's just not fair. She deserved that baby, wanted that baby, loved that baby. Why does this need to happen? It saddens me. I think of all my friends who go through this and my heart breaks for them. I don't want them to be a part of this club of mine. I want everyone to be able to take home a healthy baby. To me, if you experience a loss, you should be able to then have a wonderfully easy healthy pregnancy with a take home baby at the end. I have friends who have had early losses, ectopic pregnancies, stillbirths, everything. And most of these were second or third losses. Why is it that this happens to such good women? I'm not saying I would want it to happen to anyone but I feel like some people deserve to have a baby more than others. These women would make such wonderful mothers and yet, their babies are taken from them. It angers me and saddens me and frustrates me. I want to go and make it all better for my friends. I want to go to their houses and hug them and take away their pain. But I can't.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Baby Fever

I think I have it. Baby fever that is. For the past few days all I can think about is how much I want a baby and how badly I want to be pregnant. I don't want to TTA any longer. Hmph. It doesn't help either that I'm surrounded by pregnant people and people with babies. Everywhere I go there are babies babies babies. I hate this. I hate that I'm like this and that I can't appreciate what I've got and enjoy where I am in life. Why do I keep wishing my life away? Why do I want the months to fly by so that we can try again? Why? And while we're on the topic of why, why did my babies die? Why did God take them away from me? Why couldn't I have been able to keep at least one of them? Why couldn't I have an easy pregnancy? Why couldn't I be holding a baby in my arms right now? The upcoming holidays are going to be hard. This would have been babies first Christmas. I could have had 9 month old twins or a 3 month old for Christmas. But I don't. I have empty arms and an empty uterus. No cute Baby's First Christmas things. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I want it. I want a baby of my own. I want to give Dan a child that he can be proud of. I want to hear people say how great Dan is with his baby and how proud he looks. Dan would make such a wonderful father, I know he would. And I feel like I've failed him a bit. I can't give him a baby even though all my friends are capable of giving their husbands a child. I get to hear how great all of them are such great fathers, so proud of their children. I want that. I want it all so badly.

My heart is just heavy today. Heavy, hurting and sad. I want all the what could have beens. I want all those dreams back. I want my life to be how I thought it would be right now. But instead I'm sitting here at work full of pain.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Decisions

I think that we have decided to TTA for a bit longer. Well, a lot longer if you ask me. I know that really, in the big scheme of things, a couple months isn't a big deal but to me, it feels like it. Dan and I have decided that once I start to feel better (hopefully soon), we will then just enjoy life and each other. No babies, no pregnancies, no losses. We will just be us. The coolest couple ever! And we will rock the world of babyless couples out there. We will focus on us, our relationship, our house, our puppy, our jobs, our dreams, our life. Just plain old us. And to be honest, I'm okay with that. I'm actually kind of looking forward to feeling better and not having to worry about getting pregnant and staying pregnant. We can go on dates and be spontaneous and go on trips and vacations and such. I also want to work hard on budgeting and paying down our mortgage. A lot of decisions going on. But you know what? I'm okay with it.


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Welcome November

November is upon us. The month of cold dark dreary days. The time change that screws up your mind and body. The month of calm before the craziness of December. It also marks 9 months since our last loss. Nine whole months. Sometimes I can't believe how fast time goes and then at other times, I feel like it drags by. I've been feeling really lonely lately. I feel like I'm the only one in this position. This point in life where I want kids so badly but due to physical and emotional reasons, we are waiting. Waiting to try again and possibly fail again. One positive thing about this waiting period is that I'm not pregnant and I don't have that chance of getting heartbroken from another loss again. At least it's sort of safe in that regard. But then it's not safe because everyone else is either pregnant or has a baby. We are the last of our friends around here. Literally, we are the only ones without kids. Who are we supposed to hang out with? I know that we can still hang out with our friends that have kids but it adds a whole new dynamic into it. We are the loners, the losers who can't have a baby. Maybe we need to make new friends. It's just so frustrating. It's been almost a year and a half since we started this road to a baby and yet we're still at the starting line. More like before the starting line, we've gone back instead of forward. We are the ones sitting at the beginning of the race watching everyone else get so far ahead, some finish, and some even come back to lap us. It's discouraging and depressing. Blah. Enough whining, I'll shut up now.