I think I have it. Baby fever that is. For the past few days all I can think about is how much I want a baby and how badly I want to be pregnant. I don't want to TTA any longer. Hmph. It doesn't help either that I'm surrounded by pregnant people and people with babies. Everywhere I go there are babies babies babies. I hate this. I hate that I'm like this and that I can't appreciate what I've got and enjoy where I am in life. Why do I keep wishing my life away? Why do I want the months to fly by so that we can try again? Why? And while we're on the topic of why, why did my babies die? Why did God take them away from me? Why couldn't I have been able to keep at least one of them? Why couldn't I have an easy pregnancy? Why couldn't I be holding a baby in my arms right now? The upcoming holidays are going to be hard. This would have been babies first Christmas. I could have had 9 month old twins or a 3 month old for Christmas. But I don't. I have empty arms and an empty uterus. No cute Baby's First Christmas things. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I want it. I want a baby of my own. I want to give Dan a child that he can be proud of. I want to hear people say how great Dan is with his baby and how proud he looks. Dan would make such a wonderful father, I know he would. And I feel like I've failed him a bit. I can't give him a baby even though all my friends are capable of giving their husbands a child. I get to hear how great all of them are such great fathers, so proud of their children. I want that. I want it all so badly.
My heart is just heavy today. Heavy, hurting and sad. I want all the what could have beens. I want all those dreams back. I want my life to be how I thought it would be right now. But instead I'm sitting here at work full of pain.