Friday, January 27, 2012

All you need is love...

Love. A word that holds so much meaning. A word that I need to learn to employ in my everyday life. I'm feeling angry lately, at a lot of things and a lot of people. I need to learn to love everyone no matter what, that it shouldn't be conditional. My newest bad habit is to harbour bitter feelings toward anyone and everyone who is either pregnant or has a child. Even people I don't know. But it is definitely worse with the people I do know. I just feel like I've been robbed of so much. Why is it that everyone else seems to have easy pregnancies and get to have multiple babies and stay at home with them? All I have ever wanted to be is a mom and with each passing day I become more and more bitter that I'm not. And I look at everyone who is and a part of me turns colder. Pregnancy announcements hurt. I don't want to be bitter for the rest of my life, I don't want to pick and choose my friends depending on the status of their uterus, I don't want to be that girl that everyone whispers about, I want to be normal again. I want to be me. I want to be happy with my life and where I am and not compare it to where I thought I would be. I want to live for today and not wish for tomorrow.

Now if only I knew how to do that....

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I'm jealous of other blogs

Pathetic, I know. But sometimes when I read other people's blogs and see how their words are all nice and flow just right... it makes me a little green with envy. My words are usually all jumbled over themselves and the same thing gets repeated and sentences don't flow right. I'm not a good writer. I know I could be better if I actually took the time to but it doesn't really come naturally for me. In reality, I shouldn't let this bug me. My blog is not for the purpose of bringing other people joy at reading it, it is for me to vent and get my feelings out. This is my place to write what I'm really feeling. To a degree. I can't write everything here since it is public and anyone can read it. I save my true inner feelings for my personal diary. I call this diary my Baby Book. It's actually the second one I've had. I started the first one back in early 2010. I decided to write about my journey to a baby so I started before I was even pregnant. And once we lost Casey and Jaimie, that book became a safe place for me to let everything out. I carry it in my purse so wherever I am, if I have the desire to write, I can. I finished that book up last February and had to start a new one. The new one is the most depressing though because there are no happy "I'm pregnant" entries. It's just full of this past year of craziness. The only person who gets to read my "baby books" is myself and Dan. No one else needs to see the true extent of my craziness. Those books is where my true self comes out, no matter how ugly.

I wonder how other people deal with their pain. Do they have blogs, secret diaries, close friends to talk to, a therapist? I've always been one to write out my feelings and I realize that it's not always the best way. I've never been good at serious talks. I prefer to write. But talking is also a necessary part of healing. And I believe it's a part of my healing process that I need to tackle next. I need to talk through my feelings more. I need to learn to express everything that I have bottled up inside whether it's to Dan, Vicky, or a therapist. But mostly to Dan.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Why God?

Why do you let good people go through such heart wrenching loss? I don't understand it. And maybe I don't want to understand. A friend/acquaintance from The Bump just lost her 3 month old son to SIDS yesterday. This woman has been through so much. She lost triplets and now this. She finally got her rainbow baby in September only to have him taken away from her. I can't even imagine the pain she and her husband are going through right now. My heart aches for them and I feel so useless. It makes me rethink my priorities and reminds me that I should be thankful for each day I have with my loved ones.

If you are reading this, please send out a prayer for my friend and her husband. They will need all the prayers and strength they can get as they learn to face each day without their son.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

12 Goals for 2012

Here are my goals for 2012. I think I made them relatively attainable. I'll do a recap in December to see if I met them all or not.

1. Gain 10 pounds
2. Top off emergency fund to $15,000
3. Put an extra $20,000 on mortgage
4. Make more meals at home
5. Have a vegetable garden
6. Walk more
7. Go camping
8. Finish re-doing living room furniture
9. Have a monthly "date" with Dan
10. Make my own cleaning supplies
11. Get life insurance
12. Get better!

Friday, January 6, 2012

A New Year

It's a new year. 2012 is upon us and I don't feel ready for it. I'm usually excited for a new year with all the newness and potential it holds. I get all excited and make goals and think of all the great things that can happen. But this year, not so much. Sure I made some goals and I'm pretty pleased with them but the overall excitement isn't there. I hate that I feel this way but I do. I just keep thinking that we probably won't even get pregnant this year. And it's getting closer and closer to impossible to even have a baby this year. I'm discouraged. Maybe this discouragement also comes from the fact that it's dreary out and there isn't much sunlight. It is that time of the year to get depressed.

Last year at this time I was so excited. Next week marks the anniversary of my last BFP. I can't believe it's almost been a whole year since I saw those two beautiful pink lines. Wow. Time flies and yet drags by all at the same time.

I'm at work and it's almost time for me to head home so I won't share my goals for 2012 yet. I'll try and post them some time this weekend though. That will be a cheerier post.