Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Sickness and Therapy

I was reading back through my blog last week and I realized that I haven't been very good at updating my followers on what's going on in my life. I mean, you all know how I'm feeling emotionally but I'm not good at writing about my health and such. So here is an update on me.

I'm still sick. I have now been sick for 8 months. And while I do have good days and good weeks and even good months, I keep going back to being sick. It is so discouraging and I'm beyond frustrated. My doctor doesn't care about me at all and thinks it's a virus that will pass. But I really think that there must be more that can be done, more than can be investigated, more that can be tried. Something is wrong with me and I need to find out what it is. I'm also concerned about my weight. I lost 10 pounds in two months back in the fall and haven't gained anything back. Well, one pound which really isn't that much. I was underweight before this whole thing started and now I'm really underweight. I just want to be better again. So, I am trying to get in to see a doctor of internal medicine and maybe he'll be able to help me. I just have to get a referral from my stupid doctor first. Blah.

I have also started seeing a psychologist. Back in January we decided it was time for me to get some help as I was not handling things very well. I've been three times and so far it's been good. I think that it's helping me to see that my feelings are normal and I have to acknowledge them and stop pushing them aside as not important. This is how I feel and I have to deal with it. Hopefully I will continue to benefit from the appointments.

That is basically the update on me. Hopefully I'll be able to give more positive updates soon.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Grocery Money

Oh, as an update to my budgeting post where I said I had tweaked my grocery list for this week to actually meet my goal, I almost did. I had my lists and I didn't do any impulse buys but there were a few things I had forgotten about that I needed to pick up. I calculated things while I was in the store and I tweaked some more and used some coupons and got through the cash and only spend $2.42 over my goal! So I think I did not too bad for my first week. I plan on trying harder next week and getting it actually under my goal but hey, I won't beat myself up over it. I'm proud of myself and I plan on doing better next time!

Sigh

I've been sighing a lot lately and I don't know why. Maybe something is going on in my heart/head that I'm unaware of, some hidden grief. I don't know. All I know is that I sigh and then Dan asks what's wrong and I realize that I didn't even know I had sighed. I'm just feeling down lately. I can't quite explain it and I can't quite pinpoint the root of it but I'm just discouraged. I'm discouraged that I've been sick for 8 months and I'm discouraged that I'm still working at my job I hate and I'm discouraged that we are still TTA and will be for a while yet and I'm discouraged that my life isn't going like I had planned. And then I hate myself for feeling so discouraged and grumpy when really I should be appreciating what I do have. I have a great house and a great paying job and we're able to put aside money and save up for stuff and I have good friends and a good husband. I just can't seem to focus on all the good. The bad just swallows it up. I just think about all the bad things and all the things I don't have and I get discouraged. I'm at a point where I don't even know what would make me feel better, if anything. I just don't know what to do. I'm at a loss and I'm discouraged. Blah. What a crappy night this is. More like what a crappy week/month/year this is.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Budgeting

I decided to do a post on budgeting because it has been on my  mind a lot lately. I would love to be a stay-at-home-mom one day but since that plan isn't going exactly as I had seen it, I need to fall back to plan B. Be a stay-at-home-wife. I think I was born in the wrong century. All I have ever wanted to do was be a mom and stay at home and cook and clean and have gardens and take care of the house. That is what I want to do. But that is not what I'm doing. I am working at a job I don't enjoy. In fact, I like it less and less each day. I have been working there for two and a half years and I'm ready to move on. So here is the plan, Plan B. Quit and become a stay-at-home-wife. Now if only it were as simple as that...

Dan and I are much too responsible to just have me quit my job just because I want to. Wait, let me rephrase that. We are much to responsible for me to just quit my job without careful planning and preparation. So that is the stage we are in now. The planning and preparation stage. We are doing a trial period of living off of just Dan's income and putting mine into savings. It's going okay I guess but we could be doing better. We're still pretty good at spending money. Which leads me to the title of this post, budgeting.

We need to budget better. More like we need to stick to our budget better. I make the budget at the beginning of the month and we're all gung-ho about it for the first little while. But then we see something we want so we buy it and then we go over in a category and feel discouraged and then by the end of the month we have just given up and think to ourselves that we'll do better next month. And then repeat. We need to get out of this slump. We used to be good at budgeting. Back in 2009 I was nicknamed "Budgetron" by my brother because we were doing so well with budgeting. And we did great. We paid off all our debt and started saving up for a house. And we did most of this without me working and Dan was on EI. So I know we can live off of less if we just put our minds to it. Yes our expenses have gone up since 2009 but we're also making more now than we were then.

So looking at our budget, there isn't many places to cut back on. A lot of the categories aren't debatable so I need to focus on the few that are. I am determined to spend less at the grocery store. I always have such great intentions but never follow through with them. Well, I am determined to do better. I sat down over lunch and went through all the flyers and found the best deals and then thought of meals we can eat and tweaked and moved and re-did the grocery list a couple of times. According to my approximate calculations, I have it down to where I want. If I can just stick to it, I will have finally met my spending goal for a week's worth of groceries! I'll keep you posted on how I actually do.

Do any of you have any tips on budgeting or spending less on food? I would love to hear how you do it.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

One Year

It has been one year since we found out we lost Dustin. Basically to the hour. Last year, on the afternoon of February 18th, we went in for an ultrasound to see if our baby's heart was still beating. I knew the odds but I was cautiously optimistic seeing as the bleeding had stopped. Even though I tried to prepare myself for the worst, nothing can really prepare you to hear those words, "I can't find a heartbeat". I can remember lying there on the table, anger welling up inside of me as the poor ultrasound tech had to tell me what no mother should ever have to hear. I can remember it all so well. She left to talk to the doctor and let me get dressed. As I put on my pants it really hit me and I just crumbled into a ball and cried. I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried that hard. Dan came in and just held me through my tears and my anger and my heartbreak. It was on the Family Day long weekend and as everyone else was celebrating being a family, ours was falling apart yet again. I was sent home with instructions on what to do if the bleeding got bad. I wasn't worried. The bleeding had stopped and I knew that my body was once again not going to cooperate and do what it had to do. I remember leaving the hospital angry. Angry that this happened to us yet again. Angry that our babies kept dying and other people got to keep theirs. Angry that my body let me down again. Angry that I had told anyone. Angry about everything. I went home and went into a numb state. The coping state I guess. The state that you go into when your mind knows you can't handle what it has to and just lets you get through the next couple of days. I barely cried that first week. After the initial cry in the ultrasound room, I actually held it together pretty good for a while. Until it really hit. And then it hit hard. And honestly, I feel like it just keeps hitting me over and over and over again. As soon as I think I'm getting better, I get knocked down again.

I can't believe it has been a whole year since I was pregnant. A whole year since I had a tiny little human growing inside of me. Dustin, I miss you more than words can say. You will always be my baby and I will always be your mom.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Hodge Podge of a Post

So remember way back when, in like November or something, when I said I would post pictures of my Christmas presents? Well, I'm now going to do so. But while I'm at it, I will also post some other random pictures of stuff that I've been doing around here.

Magazine Coaster that took 2 hours to make. It is rolled up strips of magazines that are then rolled together. Very time consuming but also very pretty.

Coaster with glass on it

Beginning of scarf for my mom, I didn't actually get a finished product picture. Oops!

Start of clutches for my nieces. I unfortunately also forgot to take a finished product shot. The bracelets you see in the picture were the handles on the clutches.
Cork Trivet. I sliced the corks and then sewed them together in this pattern. I forgot to take any "in progress" shots.

Cutting up the pictures so that they would fit on the memory cards.

Tracing the size to help with the cutting.

The backs of each memory card. Lizards for Jacob (my nephew)!

One of the many layers of mod podge we put on them.

I used this a lot. Both for the coasters and the memory game.
And that concludes all pictures pertaining to Christmas gifts. Once again, I apologize for not actually having very many good "in progress" pictures for some and then not any "finished" pictures for others. Oops!

Now, here is the baby blanket that I started knitting in May of 2010. Obviously I'm not a very dedicated knitter. But I finished it!

Pretty baby blanket
A close up of the colours and pattern. Sorry that my camera isn't that great.

Pretty! I can't figure out how to turn this picture, so sorry!
And since I'm on a roll, I thought I would add a picture of the fabulous cookies I made last night! Oreo Chocolate chip!
Yummy!
Alright, that's enough for one post. But I will be back later to post some more of my DIY projects I've been doing. Don't hold your breath though, it could take me a couple months to get around to it.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A month of memories

February is a month full of memories for me, some good, some bad. Let's start with the good. It was in February 2011 that I got to see our precious baby's heartbeat for the first time. We got to tell my family about Dustin and bask in the happiness of that announcement for a couple of days. Dan bought flowers for me and the baby on Valentine's day and made me a nice meal. Those are happy memories but bittersweet at the same time.

It was also in that same month that I started bleeding a ridiculous amount and spent the day in the ER. I passed out, got poked 10 times with needles and was told that our baby might not make it. I saw Dustin's heart beat for the last time and I had to go through the heart break of hearing "I can't find a heartbeat" yet again. I had to tell my family that we had lost another baby. I had to have another D&C. And I had to learn to cope with each passing day.

I can't believe that it's almost been a year since we said goodbye to Dustin. A whole year. Some days it feels like it's been forever and I can barely remember what it felt like to be pregnant but then other days it feels like just yesterday that we were in that ultrasound room getting the bad news.

But I'm going to try and make this month a good one. I'm going to try and have a positive attitude and take each day as it comes. I will concur this!