It has been one year since we found out we lost Dustin. Basically to the hour. Last year, on the afternoon of February 18th, we went in for an ultrasound to see if our baby's heart was still beating. I knew the odds but I was cautiously optimistic seeing as the bleeding had stopped. Even though I tried to prepare myself for the worst, nothing can really prepare you to hear those words, "I can't find a heartbeat". I can remember lying there on the table, anger welling up inside of me as the poor ultrasound tech had to tell me what no mother should ever have to hear. I can remember it all so well. She left to talk to the doctor and let me get dressed. As I put on my pants it really hit me and I just crumbled into a ball and cried. I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried that hard. Dan came in and just held me through my tears and my anger and my heartbreak. It was on the Family Day long weekend and as everyone else was celebrating being a family, ours was falling apart yet again. I was sent home with instructions on what to do if the bleeding got bad. I wasn't worried. The bleeding had stopped and I knew that my body was once again not going to cooperate and do what it had to do. I remember leaving the hospital angry. Angry that this happened to us yet again. Angry that our babies kept dying and other people got to keep theirs. Angry that my body let me down again. Angry that I had told anyone. Angry about everything. I went home and went into a numb state. The coping state I guess. The state that you go into when your mind knows you can't handle what it has to and just lets you get through the next couple of days. I barely cried that first week. After the initial cry in the ultrasound room, I actually held it together pretty good for a while. Until it really hit. And then it hit hard. And honestly, I feel like it just keeps hitting me over and over and over again. As soon as I think I'm getting better, I get knocked down again.
I can't believe it has been a whole year since I was pregnant. A whole year since I had a tiny little human growing inside of me. Dustin, I miss you more than words can say. You will always be my baby and I will always be your mom.