Monday, March 26, 2012

Sickness Update

So I realize I haven't been posting much lately but I just feel like I don't have much to write about. I have the same old complaints and its discouraging. I'm still sick. Nine months of being sick and I'm no closer to be being better than I was last June. I'm having trouble finding the good in life lately and I'm just feeling so down. Being sick is hard. Not only do I feel crappy all the time, but it puts a damper on everything. I don't feel like cleaning my house or cooking or doing yardwork or going out to eat or anything. All I want to do is wear my sweatpants and curl up in front of Gilmore Girls. Which I do on a regular basis. But it's getting to be a big stress in life. It's also starting to wear on Dan and I's relationship. We're both frustrated and we're both getting more snappy and less patient. So there are more fights and more fights is just sad. I'm just ready to move on and be healthy and have my normal life back. I feel like everything wouldn't be so hard if I were feeling better. Having to TTA and watch everyone else have babies wouldn't be as hard if I were feeling better, if I knew that we had a goal in mind, a date that we could start TTC again. But for now, I'm just treading water. I'm not moving anywhere and it's depressing.

So for the update. I called the internist's office this morning just to make sure my idiot doctor had actually sent the referral like I asked. She did. But the doctor has just returned from vacation today and has some catching up to do. He will take a look at my referral this week and let the receptionist know what tests I need to get done and then a "package" will be sent to me this week (hopefully). So maybe by next week I will have more of an idea of what's going on? But hey, at least I'm taking a step in the right direction. The referral was sent and they're working on it. Now I just have to wait patiently to find out what my next step is.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What should have been

Today should have been my twins first birthday. Today I should be having a party celebrating the lives of two little miracles. Today should be a lot different. I wonder what our lives would be like now if Casey & Jaimie hadn't died and had entered the world in March 2011. I'm going to try and not focus too much on that. It just makes me sad. But today I remember my precious babies that were taken away from me too soon. They will always be in my heart.

On a random side note, it has been a year since I started this blog. Wow, time sure does fly.

Monday, March 12, 2012

What would make me happy?

Today my therapist asked me what would make me happy. And I said I don't know. Because really, I'm at the point that I don't know what would make me happy. I keep thinking that if I felt better I would be happier, if I quit my job and got to be a stay at home wife I would be happier, if I got pregnant and stayed pregnant I would be happier. But would I? Would I actually be happier if I accomplished all these things? Or is there something deeper going on, something that can't be "fixed" with a change of situation. I don't know. I honestly don't know. All I know is that right now, in my current situation, I'm not happy. I'm almost down right miserable.

I talked to my boss about going part time. I'm not sure how it went. I started crying so she wanted to know why and then we talked about how I wasn't happy and I was really struggling with a lot of things and I didn't think work was helping. I told her that I just wanted to be a stay at home wife and working was never a part of my dream. I told her that I was so sick of being sick. I don't know how she felt about it all but she was nice and understanding and suggested maybe taking sick leave instead of going part time. But she also did say that she would think about it and we would talk again once she got back from her vacation. I figured it would have to wait until then. So, here we are just waiting again. And I'm happily researching sick leave...

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Loss of Innocence

The loss of my innocence is one of the things that's really bugging me lately. The fact that I will never get to blissfully enjoy my pregnancy. As soon as I get that positive test I will be terrified. I know that things go wrong and I know that it can happen to me and I know that it can happen more than once. I also hate that I will be be watching the days go by and counting down to my first ultrasound which will be early, I'm hoping for 6 or 7 weeks. I hate that even when I see a heartbeat I'll know that I could still lose my precious baby. A heartbeat doesn't guarantee anything. I'll be holding my breath at 8 weeks, just waiting to pass that important milestone for me. But even once I do, I don't think I'll calm down. I know that things can go badly even after the first trimester. I hate that I can't be naive and innocent again like so many of my friends. They don't have an ultrasound until 12 or 20 weeks and they don't even think twice about it. They announce to their whole family before they even hear the heartbeat and think everything will be fine. And it is. For them at least. It's never been fine for me but for everyone else, it is. Well not quite everyone. I do have some friends who have lost babies, even after a heartbeat. But it's the innocent people who bug me the most. The ones who flaunt their pregnancy and complain about morning sickness and don't even want to be pregnant, they are the ones that get under my skin and drive me nuts. I want to scream at them and tell them how lucky they are and appreciate every bit of it. Don't take anything for granted. Ever.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Work

I'm not sure how I feel about my job lately. I guess it's mixed emotions. In my head I know that it's a great job and I am lucky to have it but in my heart, I know it's not for me. With each passing day I like it less and less. There are great things about it, like the hours, the pay, the location, the office, the coworkers, the benefits, etc but the job itself is slowly sucking the life out of me. It's boring. Oh so boring and I hate it. I hate sitting here for 7 hours a day with barely enough to do to fill one hour. I hate that my mind has way too much time to think and focus on all the things I don't have. I hate that I'm still here because I'm supposed to be at home with one year old twins. It sucks and I don't know what to do about it.

I want to quit but we need to prepare for that. And then I feel guilty because it's such a "good" job and I should appreciate that more. The plan is to quit, according to our great "plan". But there will be added stress if I do, especially on Dan. I just feel like it's not a healthy job for me at all. I'm slowly losing my mind and I didn't have much of one to begin with. Maybe I should talk to my boss about cutting back my hours to part time. Maybe I'll be busier that way since I'll be in the office less each week. I'd still get paid but also have some freedom and flexibility. I don't know, maybe that wouldn't help. Maybe I should try finding another job.

I just feel so lost and disoriented lately. And I feel like total crap too. This sickness is taking the life out of me. I'm so discouraged and confused and unhappy. I don't know what to do to fix this, to help me feel better, to lift up my spirits. I just don't know what to do.