Thursday, March 8, 2012
Loss of Innocence
The loss of my innocence is one of the things that's really bugging me lately. The fact that I will never get to blissfully enjoy my pregnancy. As soon as I get that positive test I will be terrified. I know that things go wrong and I know that it can happen to me and I know that it can happen more than once. I also hate that I will be be watching the days go by and counting down to my first ultrasound which will be early, I'm hoping for 6 or 7 weeks. I hate that even when I see a heartbeat I'll know that I could still lose my precious baby. A heartbeat doesn't guarantee anything. I'll be holding my breath at 8 weeks, just waiting to pass that important milestone for me. But even once I do, I don't think I'll calm down. I know that things can go badly even after the first trimester. I hate that I can't be naive and innocent again like so many of my friends. They don't have an ultrasound until 12 or 20 weeks and they don't even think twice about it. They announce to their whole family before they even hear the heartbeat and think everything will be fine. And it is. For them at least. It's never been fine for me but for everyone else, it is. Well not quite everyone. I do have some friends who have lost babies, even after a heartbeat. But it's the innocent people who bug me the most. The ones who flaunt their pregnancy and complain about morning sickness and don't even want to be pregnant, they are the ones that get under my skin and drive me nuts. I want to scream at them and tell them how lucky they are and appreciate every bit of it. Don't take anything for granted. Ever.