Sunday, April 29, 2012

More to be thankful for

Thankful List
    48. Turtles sunning on a log
    49. First tulips blooming
    50.Sandals on my feet
    51. The aroma of a cake baking
    51. My new camera

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Saturday Full of Sun

Thankful List
    41. Laundry blowing in the wind
    42. Birds singing
    43.Clean dishes
    44. Fresh flowers on my table
    45. House plants full of life and greenery
    46. Visits from the in-laws
    47. Warmer weather

Friday, April 27, 2012


Another day, another dollar. Today was better than yesterday but I still felt sick. At least I could stay at work the whole day without having to leave early and I didn't get as sick as I did yesterday. But still, I wish I were feeling better than I am. My SIL told me that it has to get worse before it gets better and I'm hoping that it gets better soon. For now though, I'm just taking it one day at a time. And I'm trying to remain thankful for the little things.

Thankful List
    34. Work to keep me busy
    35. Coupons and free milk
    36. Duvet to keep me cozy
    37. French Onion Sun Chips
    38. Sorbet 
    39. Income Tax Returns
    40. Heat

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Health Update

So I had my first naturopath appointment yesterday and I think it was a success. She spent the first hour going over my symptoms in detail and talking about how I feel and actually making me feel like she cared and wanted to help me. So that was encouraging. She did some other tests and I will have my full assessment when I go back in 3 weeks. She gave me 3 different supplements to start and she wants me to cut out dairy. So I started as soon as I got home and so far... I feel like crap. Like super super crappy, worse than normal crappy, curl up on the couch crappy. I'm hoping it's just my body trying to adjust and ultimately will start making me feel better. I'm trying to remain positive though. You have to feel worse before you feel better right? Right???

Now onto my daily list of thanks.

Thankful List
    31. Raspberry jam
    32. Coupons
    33. Gilmore Girls

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I am Blessed

Thankful List
    23. Doctors who listen
    24. Feeling positive
    25. Leftovers for dinner
    26. Sun on my face
    27. Clean dishes
    28. Snuggles with Dan
    29. Cute little cactus plants in cute colourful pots sitting in the sun
    30. Flowers delivered to me at work

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

It's a little harder today

Today was a little tougher to think of things I'm thankful for. It wasn't a horrible day but I was tired and my head hurt and I felt sick and was bored. Which is when I really need to think harder of things I'm thankful for. So here is my attempt at today.

Thankful List
    19. Friends who understand
    20. My car
    21. Dan's smiling face when I come home
    22. Mia welcoming me at the door

Monday, April 23, 2012

Another Thankful Day

Thankful List
    12. New little tree buds
    13. Raindrops in the swamp
    14. Mid-day naps
   15. Mia's birthday
   16. Emergency funds
   17. Cute bangs
   18. Homemade pita chips 

So far I'm really enjoying this task of finding things to be thankful for. At first its a little hard and I have to think and think but after I get started, they come to me so quickly. I have a lot to be thankful for, a lot to thank God for. Life really isn't that bad.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Continuing to give thanks

Thankful List
    7. Friends
    8. Adorable babies with perfect smiles
    9. Homemade spaghetti sauce
   10. Nice spring weather
   11. Baby chicks

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Giving Thanks

I just started reading a book that a good friend sent to me a couple months ago. She is also going through a hard time, though different than me. Life has its hardships in different forms. I don't know why I didn't start it sooner but for some reason it got pushed around and hidden under a pile of things in my laundry room. Yes, books in my laundry room. Serves me right to not clean and organize enough that I misplace a book for 3 months. Oh well. Back to the book. It's called One Thousand Gifts and is written by Ann Voskamp. I'm only on Chapter 3 but so far I'm liking it. It makes you think and I like books that make me think. One of the things that has really grabbed my attention in it is learning to be thankful. Learn to give thanks. Thanks for everything in your life, for the gifts that God has given you. To be content with your life where it is at, content in every situation. She quotes Philippians 4:11-12. I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. Learn to be content, learn to live fully, learn to give thanks.

I want to be thankful for my life, for what I have. She then started a list of 1,000 things she loves. That is a lot of things and I don't know if I can quite list that many but I want to start a list of things I'm thankful for. I'm going to try and add to it daily and I want to do it on my blog so that it can be a reminder to me. I have a good life and I need to learn to be thankful for it. The key word there is learn. So, without further ado, I start my list.

Thankful List
  1. My house that I love
  2. Dan helping vacuum
  3. My diamond ring
  4. Food in my fridge
  5. Daffodils in my garden
  6. Music to dance to 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Sad Day

Today I feel sad. Oh so sad. I'm sad that my babies died and that I'm still sick and that we've been TTA for 14 months and that we aren't even close to TTC again. I'm sad that it's CD1 and I'm sad that other people seem to stay pregnant when I don't. I'm sad that I'm so bitter and that I judge other parents and that I'm just all around miserable. I don't like pregnant people. I can't help it. I just can't seem to be happy for them and being around them brings me down. It's just a reminder of what I don't have, something that I want with all my heart. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom and some days I feel like it's never going to happen for me. I know that I'm still young and that I won't be sick forever and that we'll be able to try again and we may still have a baby. But for now, I feel like its so far into the future I can't even imagine it. I'm stuck in this place treading water and not heading anywhere.

On Sunday I felt alone at church. Dan was in the sound booth and I just sat by myself all pathetic like in a pew. I wanted to sit with my friends but they were in the "Reserved for Parents with Young Children" section. And I can't sit there since I don't have young children. It stung and I got very grumpy. Miserable miserable me. I'm pretty sure everyone is sick of being around me. Especially Dan. Poor guy, I can't imagine how annoying it must be to be around a sickly pathetic person who complains 24/7. And who hates all pregnant women. Fine, not all pregnant women. Just a fair chunk of them. And I wouldn't say hate, that's a pretty strong word. How about "insanely jealous to the point of tears of most pregnant women"? That sounds a little less harsh and a little more realistic. I just want to be them. I want to be innocent and naive and blissfully happy again. I want to go back to summer 2010 when I was on top of the world.

I better stop before I start crying at work, that's not very profesessional.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Internist Update!

So I know I said I'd come back and post all about my birthday and share pictures of my gifts but... I haven't yet. Oops. Really though, are you surprised? Remember that 30 day blog challenge I started? Ya, not the greatest at keeping up with posts. Oh well. I'll still try and get around to posting about my birthday once I'm at home with access to my pictures. Until then, deal.

So, I have a happy update! I finally got my appointment scheduled with the internist! It's for June 25th which is great considering the last time I talked to them they said they were booking appointments into August. I'll take June over August any day. And really, two months isn't that long of a wait. June will be here before we know it! In the meantime though, since I'm not a patient person, I have scheduled an appointment with a naturopath. I figured it couldn't hurt and since I could get in with them so much sooner than an internist, I made the appointment. April 25th is the day they gave me, which is like next week. I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork for them and it's pretty detailed so that's encouraging. I've never been to a naturopath before and I'm not quite sure what to expect. And to be honest, I'm a little skeptical. But, I'm willing to give it a shot. If they can help me feel better, I'll take it! I can't just sit around being sick for the rest of my life without at least trying to help myself. It's got to be something fixable, something that I can do to help my insides be happier. If it's a change of diet, I'll do it. If it's a change of exercise, I'll do it. At this point, I'm almost willing to do anything. I can't even remember what it feels like to go an entire day without feeling sick. I'm determined that I will get better!

Friday, April 6, 2012

This, the eve of my 23rd birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be turning 23. Sometimes I feel like I'm so young and then other times I feel like I'm so old. Okay, not old but that I've had a lot happen in my life and a lot of hardships and heartache for being so young. Which is also kind of dumb because no one said young people can't go through hard times. Maybe in my head I figured I would at least be guaranteed good health for a couple more years yet. I'm young, why aren't I healthy? Blah. And I've lost 3 babies before turning 23. Well to be more specific, they died before I was even 22. Sometimes I look around at other people my age and wonder why they have it easier than me. But then I remind myself that I don't know everything, I don't see what goes on behind closed doors or in their lives. For all I know, they could just be putting on a really good front. The grass always looks greener on the other side. I need to stop comparing my life to others.

So, back to my birthday. Nothing is really planned (at least not that I know of) since it's hard to do anything when I'm sick. But I have high hopes for this next year. 23 has got to be better than 22 right? There were some good things about this past year but there was also a lot of bad things. I feel like it was a bit of a wasted year, like we didn't do much and time just stood still. We put off a lot of things in hopes that I would get better. And yet, I'm still sick. Oops, I'm getting sidetracked again. I'm going to make a list of positive things from this past year and then a list of things I'm hoping to do in this next year. Here goes!

Good things that happened when I was 22:
- We bought a house
- Dan planned me a surprise party and we went to Toronto for a concert
- We got Mia
- We moved to our wonderful new house
- We hosted family and friends over the summer
- We had campfires and a big backyard with no crazy neighbours
- I completed more of my courses towards my certificate
- Dan worked for most of it
- I made my own Christmas gifts
- I got bangs
- We started our own business

Things to look forward to:
- Succeeding in our new business venture
- Working on decorating the guest room and guest bathroom
- Camping this summer
- Having more friends over
- Hopefully getting better
- Planting a garden
- Maybe getting pregnant?

There. That's all I can think of tonight. I'll be back tomorrow to show off my new presents and share a picture of me looking all old and 23!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

At a standstill

So after being all encouraged last week about the internist being proactive and hopefully getting an appointment booked soon, I was let down again today. I hadn't heard from them or received anything in the mail so I thought I would call and check up on my referral. Well the doctor hasn't finished deciding what tests I need but it will most likely just be bloodwork. Joy, all I ever get is bloodwork. And since they haven't made any decisions, nothing has been mailed to me. And since nothing has been mailed to me, I'm no further along with this whole friggin' process! I asked for them to call me when the paperwork was ready and I would pick it up in their office, at least that way I won't have to wait on the mail system. But she said they are now booking appointments into the summer. The summer!! That means I'm still going to have to wait a couple of months before even getting in to see him. I knew I'd have to wait but I didn't know I'd have to wait a month before even getting an appointment. And that's only if I hear back from them this week. Boo to waiting and boo to feeling like crap.

In the meantime, Dan plans on shocking the well and getting a UV light filter for it just in case there is some bacteria in there making me sick. Other than that, we have no idea what to do next.