Today I feel sad. Oh so sad. I'm sad that my babies died and that I'm still sick and that we've been TTA for 14 months and that we aren't even close to TTC again. I'm sad that it's CD1 and I'm sad that other people seem to stay pregnant when I don't. I'm sad that I'm so bitter and that I judge other parents and that I'm just all around miserable. I don't like pregnant people. I can't help it. I just can't seem to be happy for them and being around them brings me down. It's just a reminder of what I don't have, something that I want with all my heart. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom and some days I feel like it's never going to happen for me. I know that I'm still young and that I won't be sick forever and that we'll be able to try again and we may still have a baby. But for now, I feel like its so far into the future I can't even imagine it. I'm stuck in this place treading water and not heading anywhere.
On Sunday I felt alone at church. Dan was in the sound booth and I just sat by myself all pathetic like in a pew. I wanted to sit with my friends but they were in the "Reserved for Parents with Young Children" section. And I can't sit there since I don't have young children. It stung and I got very grumpy. Miserable miserable me. I'm pretty sure everyone is sick of being around me. Especially Dan. Poor guy, I can't imagine how annoying it must be to be around a sickly pathetic person who complains 24/7. And who hates all pregnant women. Fine, not all pregnant women. Just a fair chunk of them. And I wouldn't say hate, that's a pretty strong word. How about "insanely jealous to the point of tears of most pregnant women"? That sounds a little less harsh and a little more realistic. I just want to be them. I want to be innocent and naive and blissfully happy again. I want to go back to summer 2010 when I was on top of the world.
I better stop before I start crying at work, that's not very profesessional.