Friday, August 10, 2012

Two Years

It has been two years since that fateful day back in August 2010. We were about to head out for our vacation to Alberta and I was anxiously awaiting a call from my doctor telling me that my ultrasound went well and by some miracle there were now two heartbeats. I never imagined what that phone call would be like and how it would affect my future. I remember it like it was yesterday. Dan was still at work, it was after 4:00pm and I was worried since I knew their office closed at 4:00. The phone rang and I grabbed it. The lady on the other end didn't sound cheery. She said she had some bad news for me and I remember sitting down in my living room, on my grey and black striped couch as she told me that I had lost both babies. Baby B had disappeared and Baby A was measuring at 8 weeks with no heartbeat. She then went on to tell me my options but I had kind of stopped listening. I knew that nothing could be done before we left for our trip in an hour and I just wanted to get off the phone. I held it together until I said goodbye and then I went up to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed in tears heart-wrenching sobs. The kind of sobs that shake your entire body and you can't breathe or do anything basically. And that is where Dan found some 20 minutes later when he returned from work. All I could choke out was that we had lost both babies and he held me and we cried together. I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to call my mom and I just cried some more on the phone with her. Dan then made the remainder of the phone calls while I cried some more.

I then had to pull myself together enough to get up and angrily yank my prenatal vitamins and pregnancy books out of my suitcase before packing everything up and heading to the hotel. Our flight was early the next morning so we were staying in a hotel close to the airport. I remember crying some more in the car and then more crazy sobbing once at the hotel. I had no appetite and we ended up throwing away half a berry pie that we had brought along. It was one of the hardest days of my life.

To those of my readers who know what this feels like, I am so sorry. I hate that anyone has to go through this and know the pain of losing a child. I understand and I am sending each and every one of you a hug. And to those of my readers who have never known this pain, be kind those people you know who have. Never tell them that it was early or that something was wrong with the baby or that they can have more babies. Never tell them that they should be over it by now. It has been two years since I lost my first two precious babies and not a day goes by that I don't think of them and think of what should have been. It still hurts and I will never ever be over them. They changed my life and will forever have a special place in my heart.

I love you Casey and Jaimie. Thank you for making me a mother and teaching me how strong a love you can have for someone you didn't know for long and never got the chance to meet.


  1. (((hugs))) I wish this had never happened to you, to any of us. It's so unfair and you're's not something we'll ever forget or just "get over".

  2. I am so sorry for your loss and how painful it must be for you reliving it all again today. I know exactly how you feel and I wish I could take all the pain away... my heart breaks for you.


  3. *hugs* I hate that we have had that pain. I wish there was a magic cure to make everything right in the world. Make all of us mothers and have carefree pregnancies.