Monday, December 24, 2012

It Still Hurts

It is Christmas eve, the stockings are hung, the cookies are baked, the lights are up and our evening is planned. I'm excited to start our own traditions and spend Christmas in our house together for the first time. I'm excited that there is snow on the ground and that we might have a white Christmas after all. I'm excited to give Dan the presents I picked out for him and to see Mia's pleasure when we give her the new bone we bought. I am excited for Christmas.

But I'm also sad. I'm sad that we are celebrating another Christmas without kids. I'm sad that there are only three stockings hung by the fire. I'm sad that there are no presents under the tree with our babies names on them. I'm sad that there won't be any little giggles of delight over tearing wrapping paper or discovering a fun new gift. I'm sad for Christmas.

Jaimie & Casey

It still hurts. Losing three babies hurts. Thinking of how different this Christmas should be hurts. Watching other people celebrate for the first time with a new baby hurts. Thinking that we might even see yet another Christmas without a baby hurts.


This isn't something that you get over or move on from or forget. I was pregnant. Twice. I carried my babies for 8 short weeks but in that small window of time, I had dreams for them. I imagined how different our lives would be, how different holidays would be, how nothing would ever be the same again. And those dreams were crushed when my babies' hearts stopped beating. It's true, nothing will ever be the same again but different reasons than I originally thought. As I celebrate this Christmas season, I will be thinking of Casey, Jaimie and Dustin. They aren't forgotten and they never will be. They will forever be my babies.

If you know someone who has had a loss or is struggling with infertility remember that they are probably hurting this year. The level of hurt will be different for everyone. For some it will be fresher, others it will be a pain they are used to. But there is still pain. Also remember that there will be women hurting in silence, you may not know their story or what they are struggling with this year. Be kind, tell them you are thinking of them, give them a hug and please be careful with your words. Asking anyone when they are planning on starting a family, commenting on how kids make this time of year so much better, or announcing a pregnancy at a family dinner can all be hurtful. Be sensitive. 


  1. I wish my family (aunt and grandmother) could have read this! Wonderful!

  2. (Hugs) Very well written. They will never be forgotten.

  3. Beautiful, Jenn! Our latest loss is so fresh that celebrating Christmas Eve last night felt like a big sham. You put into words the pain Jeff and I are feeling along with the honest attempt to find joy in the season. Much, much love, dear friend.

  4. I am sending love and hugs to all three of you wonderful ladies. I hate how this time of year is so hard.

  5. ((HUGS)) I hope you saw my Facebook post. I was thinking of you and everyone who is hurting this Christmas.