Monday, February 18, 2013

My Heart Aches

My heart is heavy. Today marks two years since our last loss.

Two years since we were last pregnant.

I cannot believe that it has already been two years. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would experience a loss. And we have had two losses, three babies. It has now been two years since that fateful day when we were told yet another one of our babies' hearts had stopped beating.

Two whole years.

I have never been so tempted to swear before in my life.

We started this journey to having kids in June 2010 and here we are in February 2013 no closer than we were then to fulfilling that dream of having a baby.

I hate this so much. I hate this journey that we have had to travel. I hate how bitter I have become. I hate feeling left behind. Back in 2010, we only had one set of friends who had kids. Now we have none who don't have kids. They have all passed us by.

I was so full of joy and hope and excitement for the future back in 2010. I was young and naive. I thought that once we got pregnant, the hard part would be over. We would have a baby nine months later. That's how it's supposed to work right?

Wrong. Thirty-three months later and we do not have a baby. Yes, you read that right. Thirty-three months.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be normal again. If there will ever be a day when a part of me doesn't die each time I hear another pregnancy announcement. When I don't shed tears every time someone else gets to take their babies home. Will there be a day when my bitterness and jealousy doesn't overtake my happiness for someone else?

Two years. How can it be two years since I had my precious baby inside of me? Since I had a small sliver of hope that maybe we would actually get to keep this one?

Will we ever successfully carry a pregnancy to term? Will we ever get to take our baby home, to our house, and get to raise it?

When will it be our turn?

Two years ago I was lying in an ultrasound room, hoping with every fiber of my being that the tech would say that she saw the heartbeat. But she didn't. She didn't say anything at all. And that is when I knew. I knew it was over but I didn't want to admit it. I finally worked up the courage to ask her if there was still a heartbeat and she said no. She was sorry but there was no heartbeat.

I cried. I cried a lot.

I have cried so many tears over these past two years.

Tears of sorrow, of anger, of hopelessness.

Silent tears. Ugly tears.

Dustin, I miss you more than words can say. You will always be my baby and I will always be your mom.

Yes, my heart aches today.

12 comments:

  1. So many hugs for you today, my friend. It just isn't fair. I hate that you have had to endure so much pain. I wish I could take it all away.

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  2. You have been on my heart all month, my dear friend, and more than ever today. My arms are reaching across these many miles to hug you close.

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  3. You're always on my mind Jennie! I know how much this sucks and I'm praying so incredibly hard that your turn is coming very, very soon. So many ((((HUGS)))) today (and always)!

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  4. Love you guys and praying for you. I miss them too.

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  5. My heart aches for you Jenn. Sending lots of love.

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  6. Thank you everyone for the kind words. Yesterday was hard, but I think the days leading up to it were worse.

    I appreciate all your love and hugs more than I can ever say.

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  7. I wish there was something I could say to help, but there isnt. I wish with all my heart that you get your dream soon

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  8. Jenn, big (hugs). I'm here if you need me dear friend.

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  9. Hi Jenny,

    May God wrap His arms around you and comfort you in this time. It is so hard... We had to dream for 5 years before we had a baby, of which we spent almost an entire year trying, I lost one before we got pregnant again. I know it is not the same as your situation, but I do remember the feelings you were describing - of not really being able to feel joy about friends announcing their pregnancies. Or joy in general. And yes, I understand how scary it was having an ultrasound praying for a heartbeat... been there too. I will keep you in my prayers - May God heal your heart...

    On a side note, I sometimes think hormones play a big part in not getting pregnant/loosing a baby. I started taking a supplement called Estrosense. After trying so long to conceive, we were pregnant 2 months later. It really did help to regulate my hormones. I am going to start taking it again.

    God bless you Jenn, on this journey... He knows your heart and your desire to be a Mommy.

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  10. just discovered your blog. my heart goes out to you, as i have been where you are. it took us 14 years to get pregnant. i miscarried after 2 months. got pregnant again a year later, and again, miscarried after 2 months. lots of "why me, God??" i've come to peace about it, knowing He knows why. still don't understand, but know that i have 2 babies waiting for me in heaven. May God bring you peace, too. lynne

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  11. Lynne - Thank you for your kind words. It is a difficult journey, that's for sure. I am excited to meet my babies one day in heaven. :)

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