My heart is heavy. Today marks two years since our last loss.
Two years since we were last pregnant.
I cannot believe that it has already been two years. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would experience a loss. And we have had two losses, three babies. It has now been two years since that fateful day when we were told yet another one of our babies' hearts had stopped beating.
Two whole years.
I have never been so tempted to swear before in my life.
We started this journey to having kids in June 2010 and here we are in February 2013 no closer than we were then to fulfilling that dream of having a baby.
I hate this so much. I hate this journey that we have had to travel. I hate how bitter I have become. I hate feeling left behind. Back in 2010, we only had one set of friends who had kids. Now we have none who don't have kids. They have all passed us by.
I was so full of joy and hope and excitement for the future back in 2010. I was young and naive. I thought that once we got pregnant, the hard part would be over. We would have a baby nine months later. That's how it's supposed to work right?
Wrong. Thirty-three months later and we do not have a baby. Yes, you read that right. Thirty-three months.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be normal again. If there will ever be a day when a part of me doesn't die each time I hear another pregnancy announcement. When I don't shed tears every time someone else gets to take their babies home. Will there be a day when my bitterness and jealousy doesn't overtake my happiness for someone else?
Two years. How can it be two years since I had my precious baby inside of me? Since I had a small sliver of hope that maybe we would actually get to keep this one?
Will we ever successfully carry a pregnancy to term? Will we ever get to take our baby home, to our house, and get to raise it?
When will it be our turn?
Two years ago I was lying in an ultrasound room, hoping with every fiber of my being that the tech would say that she saw the heartbeat. But she didn't. She didn't say anything at all. And that is when I knew. I knew it was over but I didn't want to admit it. I finally worked up the courage to ask her if there was still a heartbeat and she said no. She was sorry but there was no heartbeat.
I cried. I cried a lot.
I have cried so many tears over these past two years.
Tears of sorrow, of anger, of hopelessness.
Silent tears. Ugly tears.
Dustin, I miss you more than words can say. You will always be my baby and I will always be your mom.
Yes, my heart aches today.