Friday, August 9, 2013

Keeping It Real

I like to keep it real on my blog. To show that my house is not perfect, to tell you that all my cooking/baking adventures do not work out and that sometimes I get sad and depressed.

Some of you have been following my blog since the very beginning, others of you joined me in my journey sometime last year and still some of you are new readers.

For those who don't know, my blog started out as a loss blog. All my posts back then were depressing and melancholy, talking about how much I hated my life, how much I missed my babies and how everything just sucked. But as I have healed and moved on, my blog has transformed into what it is today. For you and for me. I find it therapeutic to blog about happy things in my life, to talk about the good and the blessings, and for the most part, I do pretty good with it.

But today, today is one of those not so happy posts. Today, I am keeping it real.

This weekend is a sad milestone for me. Three years ago I was thrown into the world of being a loss mom. Three years ago I found out my twins had died. That all those hopes and dreams I had for them had vanished. And I had to learn to cope.

It's been a rough three years, that's for sure. I have cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I have swore more than I have ever swore before in my life. I have been more mad, angry, bitter and jealous than I have ever been before. This world of loss isn't something that I would ever wish on anyone. 

But over these past three years, I have changed. I have learned that life just plain sucks sometimes. That life isn't fair and that it doesn't go as planned. That no matter how much you want something or pray for something, you don't always get your way. I have learned to face each day, even when it's the last thing I wanted to do. My marriage has grown stronger and more beautiful, even though there were some dark times. I have matured, gained strength and have developed a wisdom I didn't expect to have at this age. I have become more sensitive to others and have learned to be more careful with my words.

And today, today I stand and I am proud of the woman I have become. I wouldn't trade these past three years. I used to wish that I could go back in time, back to when I was more naive and life seemed better. But no, I'm happy that I have gone through these past three years. Pregnancy, loss, depression, sickness, infertility, food intolerances, accidents, and much much more.

Because today, I am a stronger better person. And for that, I am thankful.

But despite all that, I still have crappy days. Days where I wish that this wasn't my life. Days where I am so jealous of everyone with kids that I actually physically hurt, when a pregnancy announcement feels like a knife in the heart and I ugly cry for hours. When I can't believe that it has been three years since our first loss and we are no closer to having a baby than we were then. When I look around at my friends and family and can't help but think, "that should be me". It should be me chasing after toddlers, planning birthday parties, announcing I'm pregnant, going to ultrasounds, hearing heartbeats and finally giving Dan that son or daughter he deserves. It should be me.

But it isn't. And today, that reality just plain sucks.


  1. Im sorry you are having a rough day, but I am glad we are here to give you support! You certainly arent alone in any of this!


  2. Big (((HUGS))) sweetie. You are an amazing woman and will be an even more amazing mom.

  3. I am so sorry for the rough day you're having.. theres no words, except that it ISN'T fair.. ((hugs)) be good to yourself this week and I will be thinking of you..

  4. I'm relatively new to your blog and your post today made me want to go back and read your very early posts. I did this and I have to say you really HAVE come a LONG way since those days. You should feel very proud of yourself for your strength and courage in facing up to something so sad and coming out of it in a positive way. I'm sure you will be rewarded. My thoughts are with you. sending lots of hugs! Anne

  5. Casey - Thank you, it's nice to know that I have others supporting me through this.

    Jenek - Hugs to you too. You always know just what to say.

    Vicky - Love you too.

    Kate - Thank you. I have a fun week coming up to hopefully distract me.

    Mrs. Lopez - Thanks for the hugs.

    Anne - Thank you so much. You don't know how much your words mean to me. Some days, when I'm having a hard time, its easy to just wallow. But I know that I have come a long ways and it's nice when others can see that too.

  6. I wrote a reply yesterday, but the interwebs clearly ate it. I just wanted to applaud your honesty and to thank you for admitting that time doesn't heal all wounds and that seeing the silver lining doesn't make it worth it to stand under the clouds for years on end. I can't wait to give you a huge, in-person hug tomorrow!!!!

  7. I happened upon your blog a few months ago in a random google search on backyard blueberries, but after reading your story, I've made it a point to come back regularly because I'm a loss mama, too. Everything you said in this post is so true. I've had 4 losses spanning the past 3 1/2 years and we are currently trying to adopt, and those moments still sneak up on me all the time. I so appreciate your openness and bravery to speak so honestly about your losses and how much it sucks to feel this way. Thank you for this post.

  8. Tory - I figured you would understand completely. I try to keep it real and be honest on here and it's nice when people appreciate it. I'm always a little nervous before hitting "post" on posts like this one. And i can't wait to give you a hug too!

    Maria - I love that you happened upon my blog in a Google search! It's always fun to hear how people find me. I'm so sorry for your losses and that you can relate to this crappy journey. I try to speak openly about my losses so that others can too and know they aren't alone. It's hard sometimes though. I hope that your adoption journey goes as smoothly as possible and you are holding your precious child in your arms soon.