Saturday, September 28, 2013

I Thought You Should Know

Since this is my blog about life and loss is a part of life, today I'm blogging about loss.

We are currently going through our third miscarriage. I can't believe that I am even typing this, as I never really thought it would happen again.

We found out on Wednesday, when we went in for our 9 week ultrasound. We had seen a healthy heartbeat two weeks prior but on Wednesday, there wasn't one anymore. Again. This is an all too familiar road for us.

I had my D&C on Thursday, since my body once again didn't recognize the baby had died.

And now I am at home recovering. Physically at least.

I don't think it's entirely sunk in yet and I'm still in the numb stage. I know that it will hit though and I know it will hit hard. It always does.

We named our baby Daylin and I wrote up a page on Daylin's story, if you want to read more.

I'm being open about this loss because I have been open about my other losses. My babies are loved and they existed and I want others to know. Miscarriages happen and I want to help make it less of a taboo subject. Obviously, sharing about your loss is a very personal choice and I don't judge those who choose to keep it private. In fact, I was tempted to not tell anyone about this loss. But I want others to know that Daylin existed, even if it was only for five short weeks.

I am the proud mother of four babies, even if they aren't here with me. And I want others to know.

But I will also put a disclaimer with this post. We are still in the very raw emotional stage of this loss. When we shared about our last two, it had been a couple months and we were a little more healed. We need the love and support from others right now, we need to be upheld by family and friends, we need to be wrapped in comfort.

But we also need you to be gentle with us. We need you to be patient with us. If we distance ourselves from others, especially those who are pregnant or have babies or young children, please do not take it personally. We still love you and we're still happy for you but it hurts. It hurts to see others having something we so desperately want. It's hard to be strong when our hearts are breaking. It's hard to be brave when all we want to do is hide from the world.

Just give us time. We will always carry this hurt and pain with us but over time, it will be easier to bear. I know that. I know that because we have been through this before. And we have survived.

Also, I will do my best to continue to blog on a regular basis and keep up the variety of posts that you have become accustomed to. But if I miss a day or two, please forgive me.

32 comments:

  1. Just this morning, Jeff said it was killing him that you and Dan don't live around the corner, that he can't take Dan out for some fishing while you and I indulge in a Friends marathon and eat fruit snacks and Miss Vicki's chips and GF Betty Crocker cookies. I can only start to imagine the sadness you are feeling right now, and I just want to take it away and make it all better. I want to do something--anything--so you hurt a little less.

    I think that's how I know you're one of my dearest friends, and that Daylin will forever be part of my life.

    You have my heart and love.

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  2. Jenny and Dan, I am sorry for your loss. I will uphold both of you in pray .... and thank you for being open ... because this will help others. I know it!! HUGS

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  3. Tory - You make me cry. But good tears. Thank you for being so amazing and supportive through this and I too wish that you guys lived closer. I could totally use a day with you, Friends and junk food. Love you.

    Bunny - Thank you for praying, for we definitely need it. And I really do truly hope that reading my journey will help others feel less alone.

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  4. I'm so sorry, Jenn. I wish there was something, anything I could do for you and Dan. Please know that I am thinking about you both and holding you in my heart. Daylin (what a pretty name!), Casey, Jaimie, and Dustin, too.

    I love you! HUGS!

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  5. Stasy - Just knowing that we are loved and thought of is enough. Thank you.

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  6. You are a strong woman Jennie. And both you and Dan are in my constant thoughts and prayers these days. Love you.

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  7. Jackie - Some days I don't feel very strong. But thank you and I love you too.

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  8. Love this - love your honesty and saying exactly what's on your heart, so people know exactly how they can pray, help, think, not be awkward/say the wrong/stupid thing. Love you guys lots and lots - you my sista from anotha mista!

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  9. Vicky - I'm really glad that it came across that way because that was what I was going for. I wanted it to be honest and real. And I love you too!

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  10. I am so so sorry for your loss, when I saw your post about it I cried for you. It's just not fair. You are so strong to share your stories, I wish pregnancy loss wasn't such a taboo topic.

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  11. Dear Jenn: I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I'm sitting here crying with you, having just read your post. Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a baby, never mind four babies! We will lift you up in our prayers through this very difficult time. Wonderful to have the ultrasound picture this time.

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  12. Jennie, Dan; John and my hearts ache for you, and you are in our daily thoughts and our prayers. Always. Your children will be remembered and honored by more than yourselves.
    Much love-

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  13. Ellie - Thank you for praying for us.

    Lee - Thank you to both you and John. Love you too.

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  14. Christina - Thank you. While it's hard to share sometimes, I am also aware that by sharing I can be helping someone else know they are not alone. I hate that miscarriage can be so taboo and I hope that one day it is more freely talked about.

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  15. My heart is breaking for you guys. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you as you go through this difficult time; for God to give you both the strength you need to move past this (because you'll never forget).

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  16. My heart is broken for you and Dan. I can't stop thinking "its not FAIR" over and over.. Many prayers for you both in the upcoming days and weeks.

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  17. artistmouse - Thank you for the prayers, they are much appreciated.

    Kate - I totally agree, it's not fair, not fair at all. Thank you for praying.

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  18. so sorry for your loss. I am lifting you and your husband up in prayer as you mourn.

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  19. Trudy - Thank you so much for praying.

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  20. So sorry to hear this news. I will be praying for you are your family. Although I am new to this blog, please know you are a inspiration. You are so brave to share your story.**hugs**

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  21. Oh Jennie I am so sorry for the loss of your little baby. My thoughts are with you :(

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  22. Erin - Thank you for the prayers and hugs.

    Casey - Thank you for thinking of us.

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  23. So many :Hugs:, Jenn. I hate that you are going through this again. This is so incredibly not fair. I'm so sorry.

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  24. Jennie,
    My heart has been thinking of you so so much lately, I had no idea, my heart breaks for you and weeps as you did when we experienced it.
    Know that I am here to talk at anytime and you both are not far from my thoughts, I will be praying for you guys.
    amanda

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  25. Jenn,

    I know I already said it on TB, but it's not like it should only be said once: miscarriage and loss hurts for so much longer, and I am still so sorry for your loss.

    I think it's a good thing that you posted this on the blog, because like you said, it shouldn't be a taboo subject. If a woman wants to keep it private, she should be able to - and if she doesn't, she should be able to talk about it as well.

    I had told my husband about your losses, and your pregnancy when I first found out, and then this most recent loss. I told him about how even though I didn't know you, my heart felt bad for what you are going through, and how I had hoped that this time it would be your Rainbow baby. He suggested how I must have gravitated towards you and felt true grief for Daylin, you and your husband. I feel bad for all loss mama's of course, but - I don't even know how to word it. I just feel for you ~

    I hope some testing gives you the answers that could lead down the road to a take home baby, but for now, just thoughts and prayers for healing (physical, mental, and emotional).

    ~ katigox

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  26. Jennie i am so sorry to hear about your loss, it makes me feel really sad and i can't do anything to help you.Please accept all my support and love through this difficult moment.I know this is your dream and i know you are going to reach it. sometimes the way to reach our dreams are more difficult for some than others.What is important is to keep in mind its dream and follow your heart and everything will come right to you at the right time.I love you. Bisous

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  27. Thinking of you Jennie- and sending hugs across the world. I agree wholeheartedly that these babies are real people and you are right to remember them as such. If you believe in an afterlife I think it is easy to believe that you will see them there. Last year I saw the scan of my future grandson taken at twelve weeks and was totally blown away by the fact that even though he was the size of a plum I could see all his facial features etc. All babies are so special and I think because you value these tiny beings so much there will come a time when you will have a successful pregnancy. In the meantime soak up the love and care that is coming to you from your many blog readers. Good luck Jennie!

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  28. Bridget - Thank you so much for the hugs. It totally sucks that we're going through this again but we really appreciate the love and support we are getting from friends and family.

    Amanda - Thank you so much for thinking of us and praying.

    Katigox - Thank you, thank you so much for your kind words. I too really hope the testing gives us some answers and helps us put a plan in place that will lead to our rainbow baby.

    Soline - Thank you for thinking of us. And thank you for the reminder that reaching our dreams isn't always easy, but it's always worth it in the end. Love you too.

    Anne - Thank you for the hugs and for thinking of me. I do believe that I will be seeing my precious children in heaven one day. But that doesn't take away from the pain and the hurt and the desire that they be here with me now.

    Jenek - Thank you for the love.

    Rachel - Thank you for the prayers.

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  29. This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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