Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Letting Go

As some of you already know, the IUI cycle we did in October was our last one. And by last one, I really mean it. We're done with treatments, we're done with losses, we're done trying to get pregnant. This is the end.

It feels so strange to type those words. So final. And yet, I'm well aware that the reality of it has not sunk in. I don't think it has really hit me that after five and a half years, this all consuming quest to get pregnant and have a baby is done. It has been such a huge part of our lives and hearts, it's not something that we will be able to let go of quickly.

We are now embarking on the journey of letting go. Letting go of this dream to have a biological child.


It is really hard. All I can think about is everything we will miss out on. We will never see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test. We will never be able to announce to friends and family that I'm pregnant. We will never know what it feels like to be kicked by the baby growing inside me. I will never buy maternity clothes. I will never have a beautiful baby bump that everyone comments on. I will never know what labour feels like. We will never know what the combination of our genes will look like on a baby. We will never get to experience any of this and it hurts so much.

This is a huge loss. This is not something that we will just get over. This is a dream that we need to let go of and yet I am aware that we will never fully let go of it. We will be dealing with the pain that comes from this decision for the rest of our lives. That is a long time. These past five and a half years have affected us in ways we could never imagine and they will continue to do so for a long time. Infertility has changed us and we will never be the same.

We are making the decision to stop and even though it has been so hard to make, we are okay with it. This is not a decision we made lightly, but we are both ready. We are closing a door and taking some time to grieve before facing whatever adventure is next for us. We have been discussing the idea of adoption but have not made any decisions about it, we need more information first and we want to take our time.

That is where we are at and we wanted you to know. You have walked this journey with us so far and we want you to continue walking it with us, if you are willing. Thank you for your love and support, dear readers, you mean the world to me.

***Disclaimer***
We are choosing to be open about this part of our journey because we need the support and love from our friends and family as we move forward. I also want to help raise awareness of infertility and pregnancy loss, helping make it less of a taboo subject. If you are struggling with infertility or have experienced multiple losses like myself, please know you are not alone. This is a hard road to walk down but there are others who can come along you and support you. 

Having said that, it is NEVER appropriate to ask anyone (not just myself) about the status of a woman's uterus. Do not tell us that we will now get pregnant because we have stopped trying. Do not tell us that moving forward with adoption (if we so choose to) will lead us to getting pregnant on our own. Do not tell me about your sister's kid's friend's cousin who stopped trying and then had a baby, IT DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. This is our story and you do not know what the future holds for us. If you tell us any of the above statements, be prepared to be corrected. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers but will not be answering questions we feel uncomfortable answering. We will share parts of our story as we feel led to. Thank you!

14 comments:

  1. Life is completely unpredictable. I think sometimes what we envision our lives being might be impossible. However, that doesnt mean our lives wont be even better than what we ever thought possible. Who knows what the future will hold for both of you! There may be something around the next bend which will give you a new dream and help you move forward into this unknown life.

    Hugs!

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    1. I like the way you think. Thank you for the reminder that life is still good and the I never know what the future holds. Keep on keeping on!

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  2. Thinking of you Jennie. Your attempts to have a baby and the losses you have suffered together are gone but will never be forgotten. Other things will happen, you will have new dreams. They won't replace the sadness you feel right now, but hopefully these new things will dilute the sadness with some new happy times. I wouldn't dream of asking questions, but look forward to you returning to your blog and imparting your news about your new home and so on. When do you move?

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to know others care.

      We move next Monday, the 30th.

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    2. I will be thinking of you both.

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  3. no words will comfort what you are experiencing , but know that if you need to talk about your journey , there are ears willing to listen and be still with you as you do.
    Praying for you as you cope and grieve and move through the motions <3

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    1. Thank you so much Amanda, that means a lot to me.

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  4. This is well said, Jennie. This is always going to be hard, and only those of us that know this grief can even partially understand what it means. Even after a year and a half of trying to move on, I still feel my heart break all the time, so I can just tell you that that is normal. Be gentle with yourself and each other.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your experience. It's so hard to move on and I hate that this is going to always be a part of me and my story. Thank you for the words of wisdom.

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  5. You have both been through a lot these last 5 years. Hold on tight to each other as you both continue to heal. I wish I had your courage to tell people what NOT to say when we were going through it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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    1. I only have courage to tell people what NOT to say on here. In real life, I'm a wimp and always just smile and nod. I really appreciate the thoughts and prayers.

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  6. I just wish you the best, and hope you find ways to live a beautiful life regardless.

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    1. Thank you, I really appreciate that. I'm trying to find those beautiful life ways, but it can be hard sometimes, as I'm sure you're aware of.

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  7. I'm so sorry you have to make this decision. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

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