Today is March 14th, a day that will always be engraved into my memory as the day that our twins should be celebrating their birthday. I'm fully aware that if we had carried those babies to term, they would have been born before their official due date of March 14th. But since we lost them at 8 weeks, I will still always feel like today would have been their birthday.
Today they would have been turning five, which seems so old. I can't really imagine myself having five year olds. I wonder what they would have been like, what their little personalities would have been. I wonder if they would have been boys or girls or one of each. I wonder who they would have looked like, more me or Dan or a nice mix of both. I wonder so much these days.
Today it is raining and grey out, which matches my mood. I'm not depressed and hiding out in bed crying but I'm also not super cheery and motivated to do much. I'm kind of in between, in a melancholic sort of state. Just thinking and remembering and hurting a little. I have a few things that need to get done today (hello house renovations) but after that I think I might just sit and knit for a bit. Just be.
Today I think of my sweet first babies, Casey and Jaimie, and think back to when I innocently thought they would be coming home with us in March five years ago. I love you to the moon and back and always always will.