Tuesday, April 19, 2016

I'm Good

It's been a while since I blogged about me, how I'm doing with stopping fertility treatments and how I'm coping. So I thought I would take some time out of this beautiful spring day and do just that.

As a refresher, we did our final IUI in October and got pregnant from it. But then the beginning of November, about 5 days after finding out we were pregnant, we were told we were having a chemical pregnancy (a very early loss) and thus experienced our fourth miscarriage. This marked the end of our journey, as we made the decision to stop treatments and stop trying on our own. This was the end, by our choice, but still the end. It was heartbreaking and freeing all at once.

To be completely honest, the winter was rough on me. Really rough. I was grieving the loss of another baby while also grieving the loss of pregnancy all together. And to top it all off, we had just moved and were living in a bit of a disaster zone. I cried a lot and was angry a lot and questioned a lot. I felt like life was unfair (because it is) and felt very lost. I had no purpose, no goals, and no future. Well, that's how I felt at least. I kind of had a mini life crisis.

But fortunately, like all things, this pit of despair feeling did eventually diminish. Things slowly got better and I had more good days than bad. Our house was coming together a bit more. Dan and I were talking about things more. The sun started shining more. And my heart started to heal a bit more. I began to see the good again and be able to appreciate what I had. Yes life is unfair, but it is still beautiful.

Lately, I've been doing really good. I'm in a good place and I feel like I'm healing more and more each day. I've been able to do things that I never thought I'd be able to do, like go to my sister-in-law's ultrasound appointment and look at the screen. That office has only held sadness and heartache for me and going back there for a happy thing, for someone else, was hard. But hard in a good way. I felt like I was taking a step forward and I am so appreciative that she allowed me to take that step with her.

I know that my heart will always hurt over our road of loss and infertility, that I will never be the same again, and that hard days are for sure in my future. Those days could be this week or next month or next year. This is a rollercoaster I will never get off, but I am trying my best to enjoy the highs and work my way through the valleys.

So dear blog readers, right now, today, this exact moment, I am good.


12 comments:

  1. Glad you are good. And appreciative of your honesty and openness. You are a strong and beautiful woman.

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  2. Love and light, my very dear friend.

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  3. So glad you're good. I could have written the very same post, except about our life since the death of our oldest son last May. You said it very well, life does return, the sun still shines, and you gradually feel better. In my case I try to make every day an adventure on his behalf. May you find good reasons to keep loving life!

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    1. It's true that time does heal, at least in part. I'm glad you've been doing good too.

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  4. I'm glad you are doing good, I hope the days & months ahead bring more good things as well as continued healing.

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    1. Thank you! I find summer is usually a happier time for me in general, so here's to hoping life continues to be good for us.

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  6. I'm just catching up now on several posts, and my heart breaks for this one--not for the "good" now but for the pain you went through this winter in particular. I wish I'd been there for you more, but I hope you always feel the love and support from my little corner of the world and know you can reach out anytime you need me. You deserve all the best things, my sweet friend, and I trust there is A Plan for how they're going to come your way.

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    1. Thank you so much. Of course I feel the love from your corner and I know you are always there if I need it. I too am hoping for a good summer and good things to come my way.

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