It's been a while since I blogged about me, how I'm doing with stopping fertility treatments and how I'm coping. So I thought I would take some time out of this beautiful spring day and do just that.
As a refresher, we did our final IUI in October and got pregnant from it. But then the beginning of November, about 5 days after finding out we were pregnant, we were told we were having a chemical pregnancy (a very early loss) and thus experienced our fourth miscarriage. This marked the end of our journey, as we made the decision to stop treatments and stop trying on our own. This was the end, by our choice, but still the end. It was heartbreaking and freeing all at once.
To be completely honest, the winter was rough on me. Really rough. I was grieving the loss of another baby while also grieving the loss of pregnancy all together. And to top it all off, we had just moved and were living in a bit of a disaster zone. I cried a lot and was angry a lot and questioned a lot. I felt like life was unfair (because it is) and felt very lost. I had no purpose, no goals, and no future. Well, that's how I felt at least. I kind of had a mini life crisis.
But fortunately, like all things, this pit of despair feeling did eventually diminish. Things slowly got better and I had more good days than bad. Our house was coming together a bit more. Dan and I were talking about things more. The sun started shining more. And my heart started to heal a bit more. I began to see the good again and be able to appreciate what I had. Yes life is unfair, but it is still beautiful.
I know that my heart will always hurt over our road of loss and infertility, that I will never be the same again, and that hard days are for sure in my future. Those days could be this week or next month or next year. This is a rollercoaster I will never get off, but I am trying my best to enjoy the highs and work my way through the valleys.
So dear blog readers, right now, today, this exact moment, I am good.