Today is a day of so many feelings. Feelings of sadness mostly, as I try to keep my chin up and make the most of today. But in all honestly, I find today a little soul crushing.
Today is the day to celebrate fathers and everywhere you look, there appears to be a happy little family out and about with a proud father in the midst. Not us though. Never us.
We don't have any kids to look up at Dan and think he's the best dad in the world. No one to think he is the strongest or bravest or funnest man who ever walked this earth. No one to jump into his arms and give him a big hug and say "Happy Father's Day Daddy".
What we get instead is a sinking feeling as we lie in bed listening to the birds sing and feel the sun stream in. A cloud hanging over us as we get up, get our breakfast and eat in silence. A feeling of jealousy and sadness all mixed into one as we peruse through Facebook and are inundated with Father's Day posts.
We want what everyone else seems to have. We want it so much.
Today is extra hard for me too, because I don't have my Dad here to celebrate with anymore. Even though this will be the third Father's Day since he died, it is hitting me the hardest. I just have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I try my best to get through today.
I miss him a lot. I miss his smile and his humour and his hugs. I miss hearing his voice, telling me he loves me and is proud of me. I miss being able to call him today and tell him he is the best Dad in the whole wide world. I just miss him so much.
Maybe I should stop trying so hard and just succumb to the sadness and curl up in bed and cry. Because today is hard and that is okay. Hard days happen to the best of us.