The Christmas season is upon us and this is the time of year where my emotions are all over the place. One minute I am happy and excited to get our tree and continue on the traditions we have started the last few years and the next minute all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Here's the thing of it folks, Christmas when dealing with infertility is hard. So so hard. It's a time of the year that is so focused on kids and the joy that they bring you and everyone tells you "just wait until you have kids and this time of the year will be even more magical". :::punch to the gut:::
We so desperately want a family, to be able to share our traditions with them, to see the wonder of Christmas through a child's eyes. We want all of that and have wanted it for years, and yet, we don't have it. This is our seventh Christmas since we started trying and it stings. Each Christmas that comes and goes is like a giant mark on a giant failure list. It's another reminder that we don't have what we have been aiming for, what we have been working towards for over 6 years. Not having kids is extra hard this time of year.
It also doesn't help that my house is a complete disaster zone. It is messy and dusty and dirty and cluttered and I just can't handle it anymore. Seriously, I can't. I want to run away and hide and not deal with the mess because I honestly don't know where to start with it all. I got through last Christmas thinking how it was just one bad year and next year we would be settled and could fully decorate. Not so. If we are even able to find room for a tree I will be surprised. It's overwhelming me and I am having almost daily meltdowns over it. Renovations are not for the faint of heart and folks, I am feeling very faint hearted lately.
To top it all off, I think that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Winter is hard for me and always has been, but I feel the sadness coming on earlier this year. I do have a lot of triggers right now though, so maybe I should go easy on myself.
Triggers for the melancholy mood:
2) crazy messy house
3) no room for decorations
4) the anniversary of my Dad's death is coming up
5) work is hard right now
Blah. Sorry to not post in forever and then just come on here and spew such sadness. Just keeping it real for you guys. I will try and be back in the not too distant future to share house update pics. And by that I mean share pictures of my cluttered space. Sigh.
How is everyone else doing? How do you feel about the holidays?