Monday, November 5, 2018

Invisible Stress

2018 is almost over you guys. Which I know may be a little dramatic, since we still have almost two months before we enter the new year, but I know it will go fast and so I'm going to sit here and say 2018 is almost over. Just let that sink in.

I don't know about you, but 2018 has been a really hard year for me. Like really really hard. If I look back at the events of the year though, nothing huge stands out as something that should have made the year hard. No traumatic events, no huge life changes, no one thing that made it hard. But my body and mind are telling me otherwise. 2018 is the year that everything finally caught up with me.

My body is showing signs of stress and anxiety, slowly giving way to the last eight years of limbo and waiting. Because that is what is killing me this year, all the limbo and waiting. The constant unknown of where we are at and where we are going and what our life holds. I know that no one really knows the answer to any of these things, but this year I'm letting myself think more on the fact that kids may not be in our future and that thought terrifies me. It has made me question so much of my life and has brought on a lot of emotions and feelings and stress.

This summer was bad for feelings of being overwhelmed. I would go to work and come home and sit and panic about all the stuff that was overwhelming me. Little things like cleaning the bathroom, running errands after work and making supper. Basically, just existing. It was too much and I wasn't handling it well.

It's gotten better since then, as in I can function and go about daily activities, but my body is still holding a lot of the stress and anxiety. I'm trying to work through it, practicing real self care, but it's hard.

It's especially hard since I don't really feel like I have a good reason to feel this way. But even as I tell that to myself, I know I have a good reason. Many reasons actually.

We've been trying to start our family for 8 1/2 years.

We've had multiple miscarriages and struggled with infertility.

We've done unsuccessful fertility treatments.

We've made the decision to no longer try for a biological child.

We've been waiting to adopt for 2 1/2 years.

We've had to update our home study and get a new adoption worker.

We've renovated an entire house in less than 3 years.

We've been running our own business for 6 1/2 years.

We've been in a constant state of limbo and waiting for over 8 years. 8 long years.

We've had to start thinking about what our lives will be like without any children in our home.

So ya, next time I start to tell myself that my stress and anxiety isn't justifiable, I'll need to remind myself of these reasons. While they aren't apparent when looking at us, these are all reasons that have affected my mental health in so many ways and 2018 just happened to be the year where it has all caught up with me.

2019 is hopefully going to be a year of rest and learning to balance things a little better. But in the meantime, if you're struggling this year too, know that you're not alone.