Wednesday, January 30, 2019

What If It Isn't Worth It?

You hear it a lot in the infertility community, the little sentence that gives you hope when you're first starting out.

"When all this is over and you're holding your precious baby in your arms, all the struggles and hardships and pain will be worth it."

But after 8 long years of waiting for our happy ending and beginning to feel like it is probably never going to come, it's really hard to hang on to that hope.

What if our end doesn't leave us with a baby? What if it isn't worth the wait? What then?

All the negative (and sometimes positive) pregnancy tests, the ultrasounds with no heartbeats, the blood draws, the early morning trips to Toronto, the medications, the injections, the monitoring ultrasounds, the empty due dates, the mountains of adoption paperwork, the times the birth mom didn't choose us, the never ending waiting for something that may never come, what if all of that is for nothing. All the emotions, the tears, the hope, the grief, the anger, the roller coaster, what if it isn't worth anything?

The new question that looms ahead of me so starkly isn't full of hope and happy endings. It's just two little words.


I don't know what my future holds, but for right now, in this moment, I am terrified of it. I'm terrified that it will not end with a baby and all of these last 8 years won't be worth it. I'm terrified that I will end up a broken person who doesn't know how to pick up the pieces. I'm terrified that I will not be able to live a full life childless. I'm just plain terrified.

Today is Bell Let's Talk day and so I am talking. It's not necessarily pretty but it's how I am feeling deep down. Do you have something you want to share? I'm here to listen. 

2 comments:

  1. Dear Jenn: Last Feb I had heart surgery and came out of it paralyzed from the chest down. As well I was on dialysis for 4 months. It's hell frankly, so much we have lost in the rest of our life. When the time comes, you'll do fine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my goodness, I cannot even imagine. I'm so sorry that you have had such a rough year. I'm thinking of you.

      Also, sorry this comment is so late, I wasn't getting notified I had new comments!

      Delete